I am seeking order in this chaos, symphonies in inexpressible thoughts
I am trying to attune myself to a reality I can’t hear.
Days pass darkly, tonelessly.

In my head, a cacophony of sounds are violent.
Broken strings of violins, the keys of a piano whose keys have been
Kissed by death. My heart has never known silence -
Reverberating within me is the sound
Of a bird that never learnt to sing, only scream.

I want things finer than words. Instead of this stasis – I crave orchestral magic. I don’t mind if everything I touch turns into a tragedy,
As long as it is art:
I want to master the laws of beauty, and then destroy them.

The more I read,
the more I steal
from you.

I used to need a submarine
to visit the dark depths of my soul
To where the bottom feeders feast
on the dead and feces from the shoal
A completely inhospitable, light-less,
savage, alien underworld
Where the spineless slimy sea cucumber
writhed, wriggled and curled.

Now I prefer to scuba dive my soul
or gaily use snorkel and flippers
Among a rich vivid abundance of life
Up and down the aqua big dippers
But I admit every now and then
at certain dark times of the year
I swim above that unforgiving trench
and can not hold back the tears

**** it
I'll go home
Soon as I’m ******
What’s another night on my own?

Let these wandering feet take me wherever they may go
No peace at home
Or within my bones
I never pick up the phone
But I wait all night
Hoping to get these words right
Like someone else just might
Ask me what I have to say
And just like every other day
The chance slips away
They say
It’s never been the problem
But how we face it
And let's face it
There’s no changing this
Starting to think I’m better off wasted
So I don’t have to face this
Take a bottle to the face
No chaser
I swear to you
This isn't her
She’s just a little unsure
Feeling impure
And increasingly insecure
About nothing in particular
Have you noticed how she avoids the mirror?
Is that any way to live life
A prisoner of your own fear?
Distancing yourself from all you hold dear
Just in case the end is near
This much is clear
You’ll never escape strife if you can’t put down the knife
You’ll never know love if you can’t rise above
Forgive yourself for the things you can’t control
Or it will start to take its toll
Like poison to the soul
You’ll never feel whole
Until someone passes you the bowl
And you start to tumble down the rabbit hole
With no control over where you’ll go
Time moves slow
Thoughts flow to and fro
Comes and goes
Highs and lows
Either way
I know
I’ll end up in bed
Alone
******
Listening to these headphones
Humming along to a melody that no one knows

Bigger scars make better stories
But I've buried these words inside my bones
Staring at the same ceiling for far too long
All these places I have rested my head and none of them feel like home
I would trade my sweetest memory
To feel the breeze
Be at ease
Find some inner peace
Sweet release
I have clawed at flaws
Made friends with the stars
It's easier to lock myself in than deal with these scars
Strangers are passing time
Kissing in cars
While I construct another wall
Hide behind bars

i'm empty.