it kills me to say this
but i've forgotten what your voice sounds like

it's been twenty-one days
and i am alive
(sometimes)

i want to drown myself in drugs
i want to drown myself in Jesus
i want to drown myself in self-loathing
i want to drown myself in you

the thought of kissing you
brought me solace on
sleepless nights
now it's the source of
my worst nightmares

i tried making dreams my reality
and reality my dreams
but you haunt every crack and crevice
of my being
i can't dust the places i can't reach

i am not well.

no matter how much attention boys give me
no matter how many compliments i get
i am alone
and i miss your shoulder

no matter how many nights i cry myself to sleep
no matter how many saturdays i spend in my room
i am alone
and i miss your voice on the other end of the line

no matter how many books i read
no matter how many of your worlds i spend time in
i am alone
and i crave your embrace

i am alone
i am alone
i am alone

it's four a.m. and i'm craving my best friend

i want the unconditional love
that makes up for heated arguments

i want to hear the story behind every scar

i want to see the side
no one else sees

i want to see your psyche torn
open for me to embrace

i want to feel black curls against
my fingertips and
warm mouth pressed against my own

regretful secrets

if the boy who was
infatuated
with me were still here
who knows what i would do

but for now it's four a.m.
and when i wake up
reality will smother us

i tore apart a white rose today
i tore apart
innocence
purity
spirituality
sympathy

how ironic.

i saw a tan old station wagon chugging down the road
i saw
passion
fear
excitement
beginnings

i look at you
i do not see
love
care
fondness
strength

i see a corpse.

i cried yesterday,
though not because i miss you.

i cried for the person you used to be.
i cried over the boy who couldn't sing
(but i loved when you did)
i cried over the boy whose laugh lit up the room
(and i selfishly loved being the cause of it)
i cried over the boy who would do anything for anyone
(even someone as unworthy as myself)
i cried over the boy who
taught me the video games he played on sad days
(and was patient even when i smashed buttons)
i cried over the boy who cried during my favorite movies
(even though some parts were drowned out by electric touch on my skin)
i cried over the boy who believed he would spend forever with me
(but forever is relative, isn't it?)

i cried yesterday,
though not because i miss you
(even though i’m sure you’d like to think so).

i cried for the person you used to be.