love is not enough
this was beyond my comprehension
love i thought was all consuming
eternal
that when you fall in love
it was everything
became
everything

and how can everything- not be enough?

and love was the way i thought
all consuming
every moment of my life started and ended with her
every time i wanted it was for her
to touch, hold, kiss
she snaked her way into my future and gripped tightly
i never wanted her to let go
and love
became my entire soul
to my core, a glowing white bulb of pure energy and light
and it felt like so much more than enough
it felt like floating
it felt like life

i had to remind myself that she loved me

then it became clear
when i was chanting meaningless words to calm myself, she loves me, she loves me, she-

everything- felt so small

you loved me

I believe you

and still you are miles and miles away and my love that felt boundless, endless

wasn’t enough

not for you

I love you, but-

but

I didn’t hear you when you said it
I wish I did
When you said-

But I know I can’t do this

i wish i had heard your words when my everything
became nothing
When the camera zoomed out on my life and i realized how small i was

comprehension

love is not enough

i think of what i was looking forward to this season
most of it was you
untouched promises of kisses under the mistletoe
we were too far away to pull through
shattered remembrances of my love are swirling in my brain  
something i bet doesn’t happen to you
heartbreak is the flavor this season
it always has been but now i can add onto the list of reasons

you

I have looped around this garden for days
Returning to thorny bushes that scrape my skin
Returning to soft sweet scented flowers
Untouchable but tempting
My legs grow tired
I am weak
And yet I walk this circle constantly
Unending
Never stopping
Ruthless cycles
I have become a slave to selfishness
Reaching for the softness, the beauty of the flowers
To touch their petals with careful hands
Hold them to my lips and feel all that I can
Unreachable but seeable and so I see
I walk to see
And see again
And as I start the next turn my heart only longs
To see more
I pass by the thorns
I am trailing blood
Just please let me touch
Let me come back to the flowers
So the walk does not stop
The loop is unending
I **** myself slowly
My weapon, is want

i thought i wanted you
the romance and love
and i do
but we had it
it was lovely for a week
and then the world came apart bit by bit
you were never able to give
not completely
now we’re friends and i thought I wouldn’t be able to deal
i thought my heart would feel never feel whole again
but i think of you
and i still smile
i think of you and your wonderfulness and
im so full of love
maybe you’ll never be with me again
and maybe
thats ok
because at least you’ll be in my life at all
and that’s enough

you are always enough

it’s 4 am
and i’m trying to understand how this happened
trying to comprehend the hole u left in me
i feel empty
but so full of pain
i feel
incomplete
like i gave you pieces of me

i let you see me
i let you know me
i let myself trust in this
in you
and in doing that i gave something away
i don’t know exactly what it was but i gave it to you
and now your gone and i don’t know
how to get it back
how to get back what you took from me

i lay here
in the dark early morning
wishing i had a way to let this go
wishing i could pretend again
to say ‘hey! wanna do that one thing?’
and you’d say ‘yea sure!’ and we’d pretend

we can’t pretend anymore

and so what now
and so

i lie here broken

missing a part of myself

missing

you

i spent too long addicted to pain
i still bury myself in it compulsively
too long wanting it

happiness has filled me
slowly pouring in
in the form of you
sickly sweet and incredibly good
in the form of accomplishment
in doing something good
tiny bits of happiness coming from
here here and there
things i didn’t see before
people i didn’t know
like you

pain isn’t cute to me anymore
isn’t poetic even if i lace it through my poems

life is still bitter but constantly reaching for sadness tastes so much worse

happiness isn’t a something you choose but now

its an option

and that’s so much