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nevaeh Apr 2023
Here I come
Crawling back
To the ***** pit
Where I leave it all
The place I go to
To empty out
To feel nothing
For a while
The place I use
Like a ***** rag
To wipe up my mess
And keep it all together
nevaeh Nov 2019
i don't want to die alone.
i crave the touch of another, the feeling of darkness, warmth, security. weight on every inch of my body. a cocoon of some strong, stable arms holding together the pieces of me that want to escape. to disappear.
nevaeh Nov 2021
hop skip jump
to the worst conclusions
she doesn't like you
he's going to leave you
they all despise you
you're the worst
anxiety and paranoia
tickle my brain 24/7
til' i hate myself
and you too
i hate insecurities they make me mean
nevaeh Dec 2019
i wish i could say i'm not good enough for you.
that you deserve someone better,
or that this is a bad decision;
you don't know what you're doing.
or something equally edgy and sad.
but, honestly?
i believe you
and i trust you.
and i love you too.
i feel like i've been waiting my whole life for someone to care about me, and now that it's happened, it feels amazing.
nevaeh Sep 2020
~
if you knew the sun would never rise again
would you love me then?
~
could we be together forever
if forever was only tonight?
~
if it all meant nothing
would i be your everything then?
~
if you knew it was the last time
would you say goodbye?
~
or would you stay then,
until the end?
~
nevaeh Apr 1
somewhere deep within
there's a little me
who got buried under the weight
of every single day
years ago
she got lost to time
i want her back
she wanted to stay alive
and i need that drive
i need me
as i am today
to find her fight
her desire
to survive
nevaeh Dec 2019
a place to burn
the things that muddle
and mess with your mind
leave them to mix
with the charred remains
of yesterday.
burn it all
until what's left is pure
warm and solid bone
complete without fleshy stress
then continue forward
from the fireplace.
nevaeh Jan 2020
i feel like a little kid.
its silly but
even things i've done a million times
feel brand new with you.
i know you would never
be that guy
the one who is only interested
in the relationship
and not the person
but i still want you to like me
even though i know you already do
i feel like i still have to win you over
**** diddly
nevaeh Dec 2020
i remember my wandering days

when my only love were those sick streets and empty sweets
train tracks and broken bottles, running til your body aches
a place where time meant nothing and everything existed
but only i could see it

those days were before you ever knew me
days when i dyed my hair and dried flowers
days when i might have believed in magic
days when it was just me and the night sky
days when i looked down from the edge of the bridge
feeling free and empty and useless and fine with it
those days were called middle school
nevaeh Mar 2020
im okay with someday
someday means maybe
maybe one more kiss
another hug
less tears
maybe there will be
us again

but

someday can also be
forever

not never,
but forever waiting
hoping
holding on to something
that has long since passed

someday can be
forgotten
being alone and hopeless
being in love with the wrong person

someday can be me
getting married
having kids
a career
a life
but stumbling across
the facebook page
of a boy i still love
and forever knowing
what could have been

someday is never quite moving on
someday is being halfway satisfied
someday is better than never

but it still hurts
i already know that even if someday never comes there will always be forever
nevaeh Oct 2020
if you dont want me around
please, dear god, let me know
because right now
one less person to worry about
is not a ******* problem for me.

i have enough **** to deal with
so if you're done with me
just go.

i'll still be here when you come back.
@ rich kids - i cant deal rn - sorry
nevaeh Nov 2021
we're not friends
what we are is a joke
just a pair of kids
playing some ****** up game
where i try and try and try
and you give nothing back
when have i ever not been there for you?
have i not been good enough for you?
because even now
im sitting here
thinking about deleting this
because i know itll hurt your feelings
and *******
i love you
and i cant stop loving you
believe me
ive tried
so sure
go **** yourself
because nobody cares
nobody important at least
nevaeh Jan 2021
wandering and stumbling
along the way
through the dense woods
on a cool sunny day
her soft skin and sweet smile
the fresh breeze through her hair
so simple and calming
the smell of earth in the air
deep green and bright blue
wood and birds and stone
its so easy when i'm with her
to not feel so alone
@ mother nature
nevaeh Mar 2020
it feels like time has stopped
and all i can do
is run from the things that scare me
because i refuse to fight

it took all of 5 minutes
for me to know something was wrong
and so i ran
i left as fast as i could
and i hid from you
from him
from all of it
im sorry
nevaeh Mar 2020
i ****** up
i dont know how
or when
but i did
and i hurt the only people  that i ever loved
the only one i thought loved me
i dont deserve that love
i wish i could just disappear
and never have existed at all
im so ******* stupid i hate myself
nevaeh Sep 2020
i am
everything
anything
nothing at all

i will
do whatever
be whoever
go wherever
i want

im not anything
im everything
****
it
all

i can
i will
i am

i don't care
but i do
im going to
but i wont

even i
don't know
what i'll do next
im wild
nevaeh Dec 2020
fine
whatever
im the bad guy
im always the ******* bad guy
let me just sit here quietly for you
and let you tell me all my sins

im a liar and a cheat
im a sneak and a thief
ive never done anything right
and i'll die before anyone loves me

yes, its all my fault
everything is always
my ******* fault
your ****** up psyche
has nothing to do with the **** you pump into your body like candy
no way, nuh uh
thats my fault too, isnt it?
im gonna **** that *****
nevaeh Mar 2021
i hope when i die
every last one of you
cries your ******* eyes out
i hope you say sweet meaningless things
over my open grave
i hope you say that i was a friend
a sister, and a loving daughter
i hope you all drown in your ******* lies
you dont know me
none of you know me
when was the last time any of you cared how i felt?
how long has it been since you gave a ****?
no, *******, i hope you all ******* burn.
im so done with everything just go away
nevaeh Sep 2020
~
1. try on everything in your closet and determine that you look awful no matter what you wear

2. play rachmaninovs elégie op. 3 no. 1 with the synthesizer tuned to sound like a robot so the fact that it's for dead people feels less heavy

3.  turn literally everything into art - including yourself and all reachable surfaces - paint, write poetry, make music, dance and be free

4. drink more water in one sitting than you have consumed in your entire life

5. put a box fan at the end of your bed, therefor inflating your blankets and effectively making a sick blanket air cave

6. reflect on every terrible thing you have done and all of the people you've lost

7. spiral into a deep depression and wonder why you're even alive when the only things you have to live for are universes away

8. remember that life itself is pointless and that nothing means anything until you force it to

9. pet your cat because shes a beautiful girl and she deserves all of the love in the world and more

10. absolutely, no matter what, never ever go to sleep.
~
its only when im dreaming that i remember what it's like to feel loved
nevaeh Dec 2020
we dont have to be better people
i am perfectly fine sitting here
just being sad lonely ******* together
with you
nevaeh Oct 2022
some days i am real
a living breathing person
i speak and laugh and smile
but not today
today i am made of air
as tangible as love
but containing none of it
nevaeh Apr 2022
walking down main street
but for once it's just my feet
quietly beating the ground
my soft breath's the only sound
the lights are on in every home
but still i know that i'm alone
idk i wrote this in february
nevaeh Dec 2020
december is pretty cool ig
the girl i like got me a present
and she LOVES the one i got her
lots of celebration and rituals and stuff
i made some bread
okay i made a lot of bread
and ive dried my herbs
so idk man
its december
lets just vibe
as of this solstice, in celebration of starting afresh, i hereby deem the new year void of all previous dramatics and loves and anger. basically im just gonna vibe - take it or leave it.
nevaeh Mar 2020
it is physical pain
it is literally ripping me apart
an animal
it wants me dead
and i wish i were

it is a toxin
injected in my lungs
my throat burns
with things
i cant say

it is heavy
and black in my stomach
i cant eat
it will **** me
and i cant leave him again

it is a tumor
in my brain
swelling
and filling my skull
but i feel empty

it is terrible
i cant do this
it
is
me
nevaeh Nov 2020
your name on a screen
at a red light

how easy it should be
to just say
"i miss you, i feel like ****, and i want you back"

i hate it
i hate this

i hate crying on her shoulder
because it should be yours
i hate going to her
when i want to be with you
i hate the constant ache in my chest
when i remember how much i loved you
how much i still love you

i hate the way my dreams are full of you
your voice and the smell of your hair in the morning
i hate not knowing if you're still there
i hate watching you fall apart
i hate it so much
everything hurts
nevaeh Aug 2020
its okay
if it is

i don't need you anymore.

so love and be loved my friends!

i am glorious
i am golden
in my heart i am loved

you don't even hafta pretend
to like me

bring on your anger
bring it on!

because i am loved
by myself
and that is golden
really guys, there is nothing more powerful, more healing, than loving yourself. you will all get there one day friends, keep hope in your heart and you will rise up! <3
nevaeh Jan 2021
i remember nights of running through the grass
catching the moths that fluttered around the dim street lights
blowing dandelion fluff into the dark sky

the sound of bare feet on endless black rivers of asphalt
the hum of late night drivers on the highway just a few fences over
hushed laughter echoing back from the empty night

i remember when we were kids
when math was easy and our hearts were free
unburdened by love or lust

i remember being cheerful and sad
but never both at once, i remember being simple
when everyone said what they meant

when i went on cute little dates with pretty girls
hold her hand and buy her a soda, going nowhere, but having fun
drop her off under the porch light and kiss her cheek

i remember sleepovers and secrets
whispers through the dark, when friends were just friends
when joining the circus was just a dream

before addictions and *** and heartbreak
i remember the humble, effortless, quiet nights
saying goodnight on good nights
remember when nighttime was magical and fun? now it all just seems so heavy.
nevaeh Oct 2020
how did i go from
so quiet to so loud

its hard to believe
there used to be people
that didn't know my name
not really a bad thing just a thing
nevaeh Sep 2020
bare feet on the asphalt
empty cans clatter
spray paint cans rattle
running
          running              
                     running                            
from everything we've done
from our responsibilities
from the inevitable
from ourselves, mostly.
~
but never mind all that
tonight there is just
us heathens and the moon
and aerosol colors in a can
tonight we have a bone to pick
with the universe
for making us dysfunctional
for building us broken
~
tonight we will love
no matter the cost
so what if we're hung
is it really a loss?
~
"we" is just me
and the echoes in my brain
the reverberations of myself
in a space once full of color
left black and white
~
i will color it
color it all
shapes and colors
no words
no images
just abstract emotions
just me and memories of you
~
just me
and a stranger
where you used to be
you know, that empty space inside of me that nothing else can fill.
the place filled by a stranger
because not thinking about things is easier than thinking about them
because not talking at all
is easier than trying to figure out what to say
nevaeh Apr 2020
stuck in a loop
of i love you
a repeat song
playing for an empty room

is it you
or is it just the gramophone
good ol' eddie was pretty legit
nevaeh Apr 2020
kicking cans
making plans
giving up
letting go

kicking and crying
screaming and trying
panicking in quicksand
sinking faster

let it go
let him go

its all you can do

you can't change a person
you can't make the world yours
all you can do is hear his words
and take them with you
just add another song to your playlist
and let him go
nevaeh Nov 2020
not feminine
not delicate or sweet
my hands were not made for gentle things

i have long fingers
and aching bones
my joints are ******
my knuckles are bruised
my skin is scarred

my hands were not made to be beautiful
they were made for communication and creation
they were made for climbing and fighting
they were made to make things beautiful
and for appreciating the things that already are
lemme touch ur soul and ill make it pretty
nevaeh Apr 2021
i realized something
recently

i don't care anymore
what people think of me

i love my friends
and i have real ones now
people that make me laugh
and never judge

they think of me
i love them, im so happy i met them <3
nevaeh Mar 2020
everything
just
everything
nevaeh Jan 2020
it feels like im saying
and writing
the same things over and over
but they are important to me
and i need them to be heard
to be seen
so i will not stop
until i am understood
by all of you
and by myself
sometimes i think poetry isn't for me, but giving up is not an option anymore.
nevaeh Oct 2023
looking across
the cold rush of water,
I toss my shoes.
they land, one scattering from the other
on the opposite side of the river.
the cold stones are distantly spaced
and slick from algae,
and god-knows-what green stuff.
my heart skitters past my lungs,
hiding like the little girl she is-
tucked away, afraid.
what if I fall in?
what if I slip?
i could just stay here,
on this end.
nevaeh Feb 2021
****
when he walked in
i was happy to see him
elated, even
he's the only person
in these past few months
thats treated me like an equal
like a human being
the one person who's shown me respect
listened to me speak
and tried to understand
and ****
i was so happy

and now
i feel like im drowning in mud
my brain feels sticky
and heavy
and slow
and i
i ******* hate this i hate being here i ******* hate being alive why can't anyone love me why am i so ******* unlovable
nevaeh Sep 2020
~
oh stars, how do you shine
on a night like tonight?
oh moon, you coward soul,
why do you hide?
~
sleep evades us,
we midnight thinkers
we conscious dreamers
us poets of the night
~
we that drag ourselves
to and fro
under the sun
we that welcome
miss midnight
and her quiet humdrum
~
we that smile
under the cool moon
under the burning stars
and cry out
hello, midnight!
~
insomnia is better with friends
nevaeh Sep 2020
i can't do anything more
from this point on
you do whatever you're doing
and all i'm going to do
is smile

questions? comments?
save em

im sick of this ****
destiny's a *****
nevaeh Mar 2020
i need time
now i'm the one
asking for time

but i  need time to myself
for myself

i need time to be alone
so that next time
this won't hurt so much

next time i'll be ready

it was my fault
in the end
for getting used to having friends
having people
having support
and i miss it now

but next time i'll be ready
next time being alone
won't be so lonely
nevaeh Nov 2020
she's an indie girl
all neon pink and green
with her wavy hair
her chains n' beads
she's got fishnet tights
and a cute little skirt
big stompy boots
and an oversized shirt
sunset colored eyes
and sweet sticky lips
she's all by herself
and she still gets her kicks
i actually feel really good about myself right now
nevaeh Sep 2020
you aren't better than me
you're just as ****** up
and if i hear you make
one more ******* comment
about the way i live my life
you will be coughing up teeth
for a month.
i ******* hate people
nevaeh Mar 2021
my skin is a traitor
flaming and red
hot to the touch
leaving invisible scorch marks
on everything i touch
directly opposing
the chill inside
the freezing cold
of my careless mind
im so tired and i hate this
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