white and cold
like memories old

i wanna be your pretty girl
sink into yours arms and feel your skin on mine
i wanna be gentle and soft and loving
glowing like an angel in the sun
i wanna be gold and white
cold against your deep heat
and isn't it funny
the way your soul flames
and mine frosts over
everyone assumes
that you're the sun
and i'm the moon

yet your hands are always cold
and my skin never cools under their touch

he is chaotic and warm
in a cold unrelenting storm
in good health and good time
the blink of an eye
quiet nights and gentle days
my heart roams
and he is better than ever

my poetry is not art anymore
it isn't expression
it isn't even honest
it's filtered and edited
so as not to be disturbing
or concerning
to any number of people
often all that is left of me then
is anger

but in truth
in a final attempt
at honesty in my art
I am lonely.
and confused and stupid and tired and heartbroken and homesick
and so many other human things

to be disgustingly honest
and simple minded
in the least amount of words
I love you

maybe i could stand
to look outside of myself
for moment too

please don't hurt yourself
it will get better
it will get so much better
i promise
just please
i love you so much
just make it through tonight
just one night at a time
please
don't do it

It's like these words were written by someone else.
I see things that remind of you and they scare me.
You do not scare me.
I am hiding from words which individually mean nothing.
Together they are frightening.
What is this anxiety, why is it haunting me?
Why am I so repelled by what i love?
Because I love you.
I really, truly do.
And I am not repelled by you.
I am repelled by myself.
My own actions and thoughts and feelings.
But that will never be stronger than this.
Us.

its not that i don't love you
(although i really don't)
it's that i can't keep hating myself for you
i cant keep saying im sorry

everything hurts these days
pressing on my heavy, aching chest
the whole world is spiraling
making me dizzy and sick
never a moment of peace
im tired.
god, im always so ******* tired
everything feels heavy
it is exhausting

this is how i feel every day
every ******* day
for as long as i can remember
every ******* day
dragging myself through my own life
not caring about anything

i just want one day
one day that i dont feel like ****
one day that doesnt make my lungs tight
one day that doesnt make my broken heart burn
one day that doesnt fall apart and slip away
like sand through my fingers

im just so ******* tired
of everything
of struggling to keep people in my life
of constantly anticipating the next awful thing
of trying to hope and being crushed
over and over and over

i get you're going through something
and i will be here for you the whole time
but you have to make it out of this alive
because i cant do it without you

is it too late in the game
to try and change?
too close to the end
to start again?

if i changed now, became the person i wish i was
accepted myself and said **** it to my parents
to anyone, everyone who said i was wrong
could i change forever?

i feel like my happiness
isn't worth the struggle anymore
to lose so much, just for what?
peace of mind? comfort?

i feel like the weight, the attention
to who i am, what i want
would be too much

im so ******* lonely
that even love feels
a little too much for me
i don't want to be loved anymore
i just want to rot
im sick of everything
even ****** i can't stand it here
i wanna go home
and drown in the saltwater
let the bubbles from my lips
be my only goodbye
no more dreams of pretty boys
and happy homes
that life was for a girl who died long ago
im sick of trying to be her again
the pretty, peachy, happy girl
she died and she ******* deserved it
for all her sins
pretty boys are liars
and nothing good is real
im tired, no
******* exhausted
and honestly
im ready to die

it was never love
it was a little kid
obsessed with the image
of sunshine and ivy vines
of summer nights and hugs so tight
that he'd lose his breath forever
and become a god himself
it was the dream
of an abused child
a dream of a love that was endless
and unerring and true

dont touch me
god, dont ******* touch me
i dont know why im shaking
stop asking me questions
its too much for my brain
i dont know anything
i dont want to be alone
i thought i had it controlled
thought this could work
but it isnt its not working
and every step closer is a little worse
this isnt art anymore
this is me dying in words on a screen
im losing it
everything
ive already lost my mind
dont pity me though
i wont let you
im not helpless or pathetic
im angry
because i deserved better
from myself and from the rest of you
i hope when im gone
you all learn how to be human
because now
this world isnt worth suffering on
im fed up with stories and metaphors
pretty words
"poetry"
its not a safe space its a ******* nightmare
nowhere is safe anymore
it all hurts
im a disappointment
and a ******* freak
and i ******* hate it here
i hate my body and i hate myself
who i am
learning who i am was supposed to be
fun and romantic and life-changing
instead it just made me lonely
because all i realized was
ive always been my only friend
the others were imaginary all along

anything

its what happens when you dont talk to people
you dont know things

i dont know where i stand or if i have any right to stand at all

i like to assume that you think about me

maybe thats ****** up,
that i hope you miss me
that i want you to want me back

i dont know
i dont know
i never do

i'd **** myself

not suicide, no, even that isn't enough
for all that i've done.

no, i'd rip myself
limb from limb
tear the muscles
that bind my long slender legs
let metal and body meet
shatter the bones that cross
inside my scarred arms
i'd tear out my ugly heart
douse it in kerosene
watch it burn and melt
bubble and turn black
i'd take the stomach
sunken deep inside
cut it lovingly apart
and feed it to the devil
i'd take razor to skin
dig out my empty eyes
shave off my pretty lips
mutilate my lovely face
til the only thing left
is pink and white
burns and scars
like the ones inside

there is not much to say
in the dry heat of today
but sometimes when it rains
i wish you would've stayed

people exist
not just when im around
but always

im not important

i am only about 2%
of everything that happens
in a persons life

and the worst part
is that i never really existed myself.

with so many vague back stories
and gentle lies

nobody knows me

i am nobody

i have to remember that.

be my friend

you don't have to hide things from me
you can tell me about the boy you like
and i want to tell you about her
because i really like her
or anything, literally anything
i just want to talk to you

i miss us before we got so broken
i miss being able to talk to you about anything
i miss making fun of you for all the dumb boys you date
i miss hearing you laugh at all of my stupid antics
i miss running through the halls and laughing at ourselves
i miss sitting by you at lunch and acting like little kids
i miss us when we were good and as happy as we could be

i miss my best friend

okay?
okay.

im done.
i cant do this anymore.
i cant keep crying for you and hoping for you and wanting you.

i want to so badly,
dont get me wrong
i love you

but i give up.

blocked
not because i hate him
but because his words make me angry
and they make me wish i could
i wish i could hate him
but instead
i hate you
i hate the way you talk
i hate the way you refuse
to do anything progressive
i hate you
so much
that i wish you were dead
sometimes
i wish you never said the things you said
i wish you never exposed yourself
i hate that you made yourself vulnerable
again
i hate that you never learn your lesson
i hate the fact
that you can't ever seem to keep something to yourself
and i hate that you can't just be happy
i hate that you have to ruin everything
i hate that you can't just be normal
that you always have to do things the hard way
i hate that you can't just chill
really, just relax
but you cant
and i hate you for it

im so sorry
i wish i could be her again
the girl with a crush
reading a poem
at lunch
not talking about
the elephant in the room
silly and kind
lovely

she is tarnished
frayed
splintered
broken

and that poem can never be the same

because i
will never be the same

i say that so often
for someone that has no idea
just how much she has hurt someone
i couldn't tell you
if i changed him forever
if he has permanent scars
or if i simply swept through his life
like a arid summer breeze
insignificant and unnoticed

i doubt it
i'm not the kind of person easily forgotten
but people always remember the bad things
so that i wonder if there were ever good things
to be remembered at all

sometimes it's easy to forget
why you love someone
how to love someone
that you love them at all

sometimes you have to remember
that love is more than making out
it's not always intense or passionate
it can't always be like that

sometimes love is just
being there for someone
being a friend

sometimes "i love you"
means im here for you
i care about you
and i want you to be happy

sometimes it's really that simple

Please don't remember me
Continue your lives
Be happy
I want you to know
It was never your fault
It was nobody's fault
But mine
And who was I kidding, really?
With my little facade of okayness
Like all things, my life
was temporary

not just here but anywhere
anywhere you need me to be
whenever you need me
i'll always come back
always

i know that you "like" me
and maybe one day i can really like you too
but right now
even if i did
i wouldn't know
because i can't tell my emotions apart anymore
and you, as a person, deserve more than
my broken aching self
i'm sorry

i love you
i love you
ill say again
and again
as many times
as i have to
to get it stuck
in your head
i love you
with no reason
i just do

why does this feel
wrong?
its not even wrong really,
just odd,
different.
like something has been
broken
almost like we're acting,
but i'm not.
are you?
why do i feel distant?
like there's fog, or a thin wall.
has it always been there?
its feels like i'm choking.
my eyes are dry
but they ache for tears
my stomach aches
for something
i'm not sure.
i think
i'm may be going crazy.
i know you don't need this
not now.
i'm supposed to be here for you now.
but i can't help feeling
like something is off.
i just really hope it isn't me.

just in case you were wondering

i put my feelings aside, yes
and i try my best to be a good friend
(and nothing more)
i talk to other girls and guys
and i really do like some of them

but i don't ever stop loving you
it might be quiet and suppressed
but it's still there, still living in my heart like a fire

i won't do or say lovey things for you anymore
because i know that just makes it harder for you
but i will always have that love, deep down
waiting, hoping, for you to come back to me.

i can live with forever
but still
every time i see him
my lungs squeeze tighter
and i just wish he would kiss me
one more time
before forever comes

i want to give you cd mixtapes of your favorite songs
i want to send you 3:00 am messages and bad selfies
i want to put on my favorite skirt and dance with you
i want to take you back to the ocean with me
i want to see your sad smile under the california stars
i want to make everything better, so you never have to be sad again
i want to spend hours memorizing your eyes
i want to go on long road trips, see the wind in your hair
i want to spend the rest of my life trying to make you laugh
i want to take you to festivals and old coffee shops
i want to go to thrift stores with you and try on crazy clothes
i want to listen to your music and love your art
i want to be your number one fan and your best friend
i want to be yours and have you as mine

but most of all, i just want you to be happy.

broken hearts
tend to heal
people move on
         ~          
you're not dying
you will live without me
you will meet another girl
with pretty brown eyes
and a careful soul
or maybe she'll be different
who knows?

point is:
i wont feel bad
for your broken heart
it'll fix itself in time
ask any of the people
that loved me before
you'll get over it
         ~
they always do

I can't
I ******* can't
I can't care anymore
It ***** with my head

But the problem is
I can't stop
If this is what living is
I wish I was ******* dead

my words are who i am
and somewhere along they line
i stopped writing who i was
i wrote for you to read
but i won't do that anymore
i wont let myself
be only for you
my words are who i am
and i am not yours anymore

the colors and motion and *******
the apathy and edge and aloofness

useless brushstrokes
pointless scratches on paper

what is an artist without his ego?

**** emotions and love and ****.
it's all filler.

i keep telling myself that
like a mantra
it'll pass
it wont last
they'll move on
everything will be okay

but what if its not
what if it doesnt
what if it just keeps going and going
forever until we die
and if it does
do i even want to be alive?

everything that you need to be whole
the person that you trust the most
the thing that always makes you smile
easy for you to handle
anything but what i am

because i am not enough for you

you are the only reason i'm here today.
i smile when i think about you.
you make me feel genuinely happy.
i care about you so ******* much it hurts.
i feel all of these things and more.
i feel things i didn't even know existed.
i think i  * * * *  you.
but i'll never tell.