i feel like my tastes
in everything-
people, music, fashion,
****, even my lifestyle choices
are all devolving
into some disgusting puddle

i want
to hear
you talk

it can be anything
just say something
to me

lets talk about the little things
and laugh over the phone
just so we don't forget

i need to stop wondering
i need to stop caring
i'm playing myself
setting myself up to get hurt
this isn't worth it
it's not
but god
not seeing him
it hurts almost as much.

do i pretend
like i dont know you?
do i say hello?
make a joke?

i saw you come in
and i hoped you wouldn't see me
im pretty sure you did though

everybody seems to think im going to be a huge ***** about this
but really im just confused
and sorry
and sad.

im starting
to not like my own work.
or myself,
for that matter.

tyou fuckingsuck yklu sdiocl

anything

its what happens when you dont talk to people
you dont know things

i dont know where i stand or if i have any right to stand at all

i like to assume that you think about me

maybe thats ****** up,
that i hope you miss me
that i want you to want me back

i dont know
i dont know
i never do

six days
you said six days was not enough time to fall in love.

but apparently it's enough to fall out of it.

it's been a while
i learned a lot about myself
but there's a lot left to learn, for me and you both
i hope you're ready
im ******* not

oh yea, i'm back
but not the same.
i don't think i will be either,
at least not for very long time
you took it out of me
really...

but don't you mind me,
im doing lovely
especially compared to last month
and i know i said dome things
did some things...

but i hoped seeing you would make things...
different? better?
and i guess there are
i mean, they certainly are different...

now i can't breathe
without choking on something
on my words
on my feelings
all of those dying nights
almost like they never happened
like...
a dream

but im back now!
im back and better and waiting
waiting for you to notice,
and i think you did
what did you say?
why did you want?
i don't even remember
but im glad you did
because now i have a reason to fix things

i'm really fighting this
making it difficult
it's kind of what i do
im not giving up
not tonight

i just wanna be happy

citrus colored
acid and sweet
balanced
stable
like apricots
and nectarines
sunflower yellow
i want to be free
not perfect or pretty
just want to be me

i need time
now i'm the one
asking for time

but i  need time to myself
for myself

i need time to be alone
so that next time
this won't hurt so much

next time i'll be ready

it was my fault
in the end
for getting used to having friends
having people
having support
and i miss it now

but next time i'll be ready
next time being alone
won't be so lonely

not just here but anywhere
anywhere you need me to be
whenever you need me
i'll always come back
always

logically speaking
this is a terrible decision
and it's liable
that we both end up
worse off than before

red flags are dancing
around my head like pixies
and every interaction
leaves me feeling empty
and ready to cry

but i dont whats wrong
or why i want this so bad

but in my heart
i somehow know
it will leave me defeated and worthless

i will not
go to you

i will not
drag myself backwards
or humiliate myself

if you ever want to talk to me
then grow a pair

because i am not going to throw myself at you
or anyone ever again

i don't hate you
but i will not
go out of my way
to see you

i want to slam my face onto the tile until i black out
i just want to sleep
im so sick of this
im not doing it anymore
im making the decisions, right?
well my decision is:
~chill~
im not pretending
im not trying
just rolling with it
cali style

just go with the flow
i want(need) something real right now.
no more words
no more stupid fake ****
just
chill


okay?

you aren't better than me
you're just as ****** up
and if i hear you make
one more ******* comment
about the way i live my life
you will be coughing up teeth
for a month.

i've been watching you.
i know you know im there.
i've heard about your little jokes.
i see him sitting where i used to sit
walking with you
where i used to belong
talking to you
like he knows you at all.

maybe he does
maybe i never knew you
not the real you

because the you i thought i knew
the you i loved

would not have done this to me.

everything
just
everything

busted up box t.v.
broken nose
bruised cheek
hop skip jump
under the bridge
down the street
there's a fairy tree
surrounded with dead bodies

i want to give you cd mixtapes of your favorite songs
i want to send you 3:00 am messages and bad selfies
i want to put on my favorite skirt and dance with you
i want to take you back to the ocean with me
i want to see your sad smile under the california stars
i want to make everything better, so you never have to be sad again
i want to spend hours memorizing your eyes
i want to go on long road trips, see the wind in your hair
i want to spend the rest of my life trying to make you laugh
i want to take you to festivals and old coffee shops
i want to go to thrift stores with you and try on crazy clothes
i want to listen to your music and love your art
i want to be your number one fan and your best friend
i want to be yours and have you as mine

but most of all, i just want you to be happy.

i know it's dark
i know it hurts

it's gonna be okay, you'll be okay
i'm right here, right in front of you

just take my arms, fall forward
i'll catch you
i will always be here
and i will always catch you

i know it's scary, moving forwards
but right now, it's just one step
just one step away from that ledge

i'm right here
it's going to be okay
i'm here

he is a wolf
and i love his bite
i offer him my throat to hold in his jaws
my heart to hold in his hands

        "you bit me"
        "yeah"
        "not your thing?"
        "i don't know"

maybe it is

please don't hurt yourself
it will get better
it will get so much better
i promise
just please
i love you so much
just make it through tonight
just one night at a time
please
don't do it

here goes nothing:
i still love you.
i won't drag myself around trying to get you to like me, or follow your every move like a lost puppy, but i do still care about you and would like to go back and start completely over. i think we really could be something good together. i know you could be seeing someone else, and im okay with that. i also know that you might be completely repulsed by me, and im okay with that too. i just wanted to say that if you ever wanted to try getting to know the real me, the healthier, kinder, happier me, i'd be more than okay with that.

trying everything there is
to distract myself from you

but i am so afraid
so, so afraid
that one morning
you'll be more than distant
afraid that you'll be gone

i don't sleep anymore
i just sit in bed
staring at my phone
like it will tell me that you're fine
like it will save you

it's none of my business
but i am so
*******
scared

its all just a distraction
a way to forget
that i ******* hate myself.

no i am not "*****".

but when people look at me
and want me
it feels good.

i like feeling wanted

im sorry
the only way ive ever felt loved
is when i felt *****
and wrong
and disgusting

i don't want you to know these things

but i do want you to know
you aren't the only one who's scared.
You aren't the only one that's ****** up.

i personally live at night
**** just hits different
after 10:00 PM

lets be those weirdos
in a gas station at 3 am
lets be cool and smooth
lets go on long drives
down dark empty streets
lets live life
in liminal space

everything just feels more possible
like we could really do anything
night has spooky mysterious vibes
lets be spooky and mysterious together

on my own words
on regret
on misunderstanding
on rage

choking myself over and over
for things i cant help and cant change
and never going blue in the face
because evil doesn't need to breathe

did i hurt your feelings?
did i make you cry?
im sorry if you felt alone,
if i made you wanna die.

i cant help it, im just a *****
it's all been said before
im a manipulative little ****
im just a *****.

i dont like being loved
and i'd hate to fall for you too
so i cant help if i hurt your heart,
its kinda just what i do.

today was my last day with my therapist
he's heard your name a lot in the last year
today we just played air hockey
while i talked about all of the times you made me smile

he didn't say much
he just let me cry

i don't feel better, really
but it was nice to think about you
to not push any memories down
just let it all flow

i miss you.
i'm too tired to feel angry or scared
or anything at all.

i can't explain why
i can't pinpoint exactly how i feel
but i know i still love you
and i'm pretty sure i always will.

i wish you would just
go away
even though im the one following you
i wish you would leave my mind
i wish you could disappear
because being within 50 feet of you
for even a second
hurts like hell
but its all i want

this house
is so ridiculously depressing

i try to lighten it up
fill the walls with my laughter when i can
rebel against the grey
i paint my nails neon
i fill my room with art

i got the best job i could find
i spend my work days
making people happy
inspiring young minds
i built a safe space
a childish place
where little girls can be pirates and pilots and monsters
where little boys can be artists and princesses and play with dolls
where the quietest people can go wild
and the wild can relax in the garden
it's a happy place
filled with good laughter

maybe you should visit

if you hate something
change it.
(because you don't have to be loud or fun)

ditch them
(because sometimes silence is the most exciting)

reputations are nothing more than concepts
the world is barely real as is
(because you are amazing, no matter what)

change it
and forget what others think
(because your health is always the top priority)

he is chaotic and warm
in a cold unrelenting storm
in good health and good time
the blink of an eye
quiet nights and gentle days
my heart roams
and he is better than ever

everything that you need to be whole
the person that you trust the most
the thing that always makes you smile
easy for you to handle
anything but what i am

because i am not enough for you

i like to think
that you think about me
whenever im not around
i like to imagine
that you dream about me
while you're sleeping sound
i like to pretend
that youre missing me
whenever i feel alone
i like to think
that you think about me
even if you dont

i change my voice
i try to make it sound
a little quieter, more feminine
i smile a lot
consciously
i put a hoodie on my dog(?)
don't ask
my laugh is different
again, girlish
and i poke out my tongue
just a little

i dont like me