Some people will often list the smell of rain among their favorite smells,
but to me it is an awful stench; a reminder of that hellish night.

Some people are made giddy as they watch the dark clouds gather and anticipate the droplets,
but the air of excitement is something I dread; it suffocates me.

Some people watch the cars zoom by and admire that sound of the wet pavement hissing in response, but this noise is associated with a memory that holds me captive; it is a prison to me.

Some people find the smells and sounds of rainfall to be soothing, but I feel as if the world is mourning with me when it rains; a storm played in the background the night my life was shattered.

Some people marvel at the beauty of lights reflected in water, but I cannot admire these things for fear that I might get stuck in my head; my mind might think we're back living that night again.

Some people used to include myself; no longer, but there is not a day that goes by without a prayer that I might one day return to the world's collection of some people.

Aching
in my heart
in my soul
in my mind
in my breath

Throbbing
in my skull
in my feet
in my bones
in my core

Losing
hope
love
perspective
m
   y
      s
         e
            l
               f

The light that lives within me wavers
But even through this darkness it shines
The flame has shrunk - almost invisible
Shadows become heavy in my mind

The wavering dance; my search for strength
Darkness consumes as light grows weary
The fight cannot be finished just yet
I want to glow, but I flicker just faintly

Sorrow attempts to overthrow joy
The flame burns brighter - no stranger to conflict
My light has been dimmed by prior affliction
Preparing for trials to which I won't submit

The impossible darkness is what fuels my spark
Flames grow after a season of weakness
The fight seemed close, but I was the victor
Uncertainty consumed, the outcome mysterious

My light is magnificent once again
A fire so bright to serve as a beacon
This flame is not natural; I coaxed it to roar
Without continuous fuel it will surely weaken.

Even at my lowest
When darkness thinks to reign
I refuse to be extinguished
Not ever, but especially not today

These are the moments
to live for
When the sun is shining bright
Happiness fills the soul
even more
And the end draws near
after the longest night.

These are the memories
to keep forever
Snow cones, laughter, summer fun
Winter brings darkness,
but I will remember
Friends have no season,
they stay without sun

Jolted awake in the hours between too late and too early
Again
Breathing a heavy sigh at the ever placid night
Again
Wondering when my body will grow tired of its self-destruction
because I do not know how much longer I can survive on will alone

I find myself restless in the glowing hours of the morning
Again
The familiar panic has interrupted my slumber
Again
Darkness still lingers, but the sun’s flame will take over soon
and with it will come the burden of light and expectation

Sleeping through the night would be a red flag; I would lose my footing
Again
Don’t get me wrong- I’d love sleep to happen, but I can’t count on it ever
Again
The nightmares hold me captive, but at least they are familiar
in the sense that I can expect them to visit

I hold on to the hope that one day
I might rest without terror,
but I cannot make it a dream;
there is no room for anything but the monster
Maybe one day I will sleep through the night
Again