i’m wearing malbec lipstick at 330 in the afternoon, my own personal hue that stains lips and teeth, drips down my chin so a tongue flicks out to savor the drop. it leaves a maroon trace like i’ve been ******* blood.
when i swill the wine, it captivates me. like i'm swishing around my own blood, praying enough of it sloshes out to **** me.
i’m headed to catholic church in an hour, maybe i’ll light a candle for myself.
god knows i ******* need it.
i’m at that delicate lining, the in-between stage of the five stages of grief. the soft spot at the base of my skull. self-destruct button that’s so tempting, nestled between anger and depression. skip bargaining. take a trip around the sun.
i've lost my hair tie and i want it back.
i've lost my heart and i want it back. ******* give it back.
reapply mauve lipstick the flavor of malbec. go to church. rinse the good off when you get home.
i still feel him inside of me. taking everything. claiming it as his own, two hundred and fifty-eight hours later. like he’s stained me and now i'm tainted and unapproachable. undesirable.
piece of plastic wrap that used to keep his heart fresh, now i'm trash.
now i’m his.

I met a boy who shined like every star I have swallowed,
Wanting of their light.
I met a boy with tropical wind in his hair and a smile like looking down from the summit of a mountain.
And something about the way he says my name makes me go so quiet
Something in how soft he looks when he smiles at me.
If I could I would spend every waking hour describing every perfection,
But I will settle for this.
Because there are two states, ten hours by car, one time zone and so many miles between us.
So I will write poetry.
I will replace all the wondering and wanting that I've kept within my ribs
With something like love
Something like devotion.
And someday when the stars align and I can hold him in my arms
I will say all this to him and more
From the top of a tower overlooking my world
And he will see just how much I mean it.