she prayed in her unique freedom
I witnessed her transformation
breathless I thanked God for my sister
the sister who took the time to listen
and lit a candle for her brothers

They say that suicide is just exhaustion
from trying to be strong,
or brave,
or happy.
From trying to have hope
when everything seems hopeless
and everything is falling apart.

Every night I'm exhausted
from this part I play
day in and day out ––
from hopelessly trying
to make anything work out
when everything I touch falls to pieces.

They say you need something to hold onto,
but the only thing keeping me going
is this playlist sent to me
by a guy who doesn't even care anymore ––
maybe he never did ––
because you don't leave someone hanging
when you know they're hanging by a thread.

Every night I pray
to fall deep asleep
and never have to face another day.
Or to wake up and drive
to a place brand new
where no one can touch me ––
not even you.

You've always been forgetful

You'd forget to turn the lights off
You'd forget to close the toothpaste
You'd forget your clothes in the drier
You'd forget to charge your phone
You'd forget to feed the fish
...

So I did all these things for you

You see, I was convinced that showing you was better than telling you
But you never saw it, now did you?

- Sometimes I'd forget to do all these things on purpose,
so I would remember how it felt like to be with you -

I secretly hope that you can't find your clothes
and your fish die
and your electric bill reaches a 100 billion dollars

Just so you could see
that I was good for you

You know what? No.  __
NO, NO
NO

I do secretly hope that your phone dies
and your clothes get lost
and your fish die
and your toothpaste gets dried up

But only so you could learn the importance of what I used to do
to recognize your faults
and to try and improve, not for me
but for you.

... and I'm not talking about the toothpaste here

You can't demonstrate the change you want to see in someone
if they don't even understand the error in their ways

and so,

I don't want to be the person
who struggles to forgive and forget

I want to be the person
who lives with no regret

knowing that us, ending,
was for the best.

and the best
of each of us

Others promised
to fill your eyes
with stars. Only stars.
But I will populate
your mind with galaxies,
complete the space
with swirling clouds
of asteroids and
black holes to swallow
your sadness. After all,
stars are obviously bright
and beautiful, but alone.
I will help to discover
somewhere within yourself
the need to create
constellations of us,
where our myths
and morals intertwine.
You and I and our
moments, syzygy.
Gravity only exists,
so we can fall together
but still weightless
to see that our mass
doesn’t affect our matter.
How stars collapse
under their own weight,
fading out, is so unlike
the way we expand
amongst the cosmos,
heavenly bodies of ours
joining the rest in the halo,
interstellar where I will
cascade over you, a pulsar
radiating waves of energy.
These shockwaves form
a singularity of us,
with no time or direction
but we know what we are;
a meteor shower for those
still simply Earth bound.
Gazing into the sun, they
promised stars, blinded.
Blinding, our explosion
of formation from nothing.
Let there be planets
where beings flourish
and evolve, and I will
gift you their moons,
the craters filled with
dust of my words hidden
where no winds can
ever disturb them.
They promised you
stars, so you can become
a satellite and orbit
and worship their light.
I will give myself,
a supernova, and you
will learn to craft galaxies
so I can explore them
within you, and revel at
the beauty of the unknown.
Our universe won’t fit
in their telescopes.


**V. K.

I'm sorry I couldn't make you smile,
I know I'm not worthwhile.
Remember I'll always go the extra mile.
I know you think I'm vile.
You're so versatile,
That's your style.
Every once in a while,
We flow like water in the Nile.
But usually I'm the odd tile.

As the rain fell
ripples formed
inside my heart
tickling my emotions

A smell of freshness
protruded my senses
carrying my mind
to a land of peace

like tears of laughter
drops cleanse my soul
in a dream like state
gravity has vanished

hydrated again
my thirst is gone
my spirit awakens
and my wings take flight

By E.Rushton

"Why don't you write something happy?"
Because it'd be a lie.
So no I won't write something happy,
not while I want to die.
Poetry isn't something choose,
it isn't just a skill that I use,
I can't make it stop, it's not my choice,
they're not my ideas, they're just in my voice.

Since the day you went away
I just wanna close my eyes 'til i sleep
Cause I rather see you in my dreams
Than wake up without you