It hurts. I've found that the exit wounds never fully heal. They stand as a reminder of all the people who have left, are leaving or are going to leave. The pain never dies. The memories live on. Memories of a child, ripped for her family never able to see them again. Forced into a place of  total isolation; knowing no one. memories of the one and only friend you ever had, dying before your eyes, to save your life. Never given the chance to say goodbye.. Of the only person you have ever loved, telling you they love someone else... not knowing why or how or when, but they go. Yeah, it hurts.

I don't know if I'd call this.. this life, living. Yes, physically I am alive. My heart beats, my lungs take in oxygen. But I feel nothing. Walking amongst the crowds invisible to all; without purpose, without responsibility, without hope. No one sees the pain in my eye as a cry for help. It's just normal, regular, me. They tell me to "get over it", "move on", "find someone new", "it'll be okay"; but how? How can I? I have no idea where to begin. Day in and day out he is all I think about. It's almost repulsive really how obsessive I've become. It'd be different if I'd actually spoken to him, I suppose. I haven't said a word to him in over four months besides " Happy New Year", even then it was nothing special. This is pathetic. I am a pathetic. Why can't I just face reality? Accept the truth. In my heart, I know if I ever mattered, he would have reached out.

I'm stuck in a rut. Always the same routine. I'm going through the motions, and I just want it all to end. I want to feel something; something positive! I want to be able to wake up each morning looking forward to life, not when I'll be able to sleep next.. I don't want to just live life, I want to be alive. Feel alive!


So why can't I...

Right now, in this moment, I feel like I'm just barely beginning to be able to catch my breath. Like I've been running, running for years trying to escape you and I'm finally slowing down. It's five months, on the dot; and I still have no idea what I'd say to you, if anything, giving the chance. I don't think I'll ever get bast this mile maker until I fully explain myself to you. It's the only way I'll be able to let you go. Part of me can't help but think I'm merely delusional. I have simply imagined everything we've said together, done together, been together. I made it all seem bigger that it was. I guess the only way is to tell you and see what you say.

But, we all know how soon that'll happen..

When I was younger I always saw growing up as a fun, momentous, life changing experience. I was willing to give up anything to get here. But now, I'd give anything to go back. Growing up is overrated. People change their minds in a blink of an eye, constantly having to look over your shoulder to see who is coming at you with a knife, having to prove yourself to people who are impossible to please. It's not fun; and it's not easy. But it's life.

As I'm looking forward at the light at the end of this never ending tunnel, a few things come to mind in regards to you. Promise to listen carefully to what I say: my few, final requests.

       Promise me that you won't make these same empty promises to the next girl with whom you become involved with. After hearing the same empty, meaningless phrases - I'll always be here, I love you, I'm here for you, You're mine - time and time again, they begin to lose all meaning. They all start to sound like noise. Don't promise her things that you don't intend to do; don't tell her things that you know you don't mean. Once a girl has had the same things repeated to her by guys who constantly leave, they have a much more difficult time believing the ones who stay.

       Promise me that you'll be open and honest with her. If you mean what you say, and say what you  mean, this is the only way she'll be able to acknowledge it. I promise you that honesty and communication really are the two things that she'll want the most.
                                                                                  I know they were for me.

       Be patient with her. She has more than likely had to deal with more than her share of leaving. Reassure her of your intentions, but don't you EVER lie to make her feel better. Don't you dare tell her that you'll always be there for her if your intention is to hit it and quit it. Be honest, it's the least you could do.

Share with her your hopes, dreams, goals, aspirations, past and fears. Women are some of the most loyal, strong, yet ever so fragile creatures to walk this planet. She will stand by your side through think and thin if you give her honesty and consistency.
                                                                        At least, I know I would have.

       If you fall in love with this girl, show her. Show her the depths of your affection for her, but be prepared that it may take time for her to trust it and show it back.

       Finally, If I could tell you anything on your endeavors of going forward I'd say this: Open your eyes! Realize what a gift you've been given and thank God everyday for her. Don't take her kindness, forgiveness, or patience for granted. Realize that not everyone is so lucky to have that.

                                                                      From,
                                                                               Your Flight Commander
                                                                                Your Sunshine.

I can not risk getting close to you, or to anyone again. Because I can honestly say that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if one more person I cared about simply walked out of my life. I can't risk losing someone that important. I won't. So why don't we stop this before it's too late for either of us.

I know I can't commit to you. As much as I wish I could, and as many nights I stay up thinking about you... I can't. Your life is here and I'll be gone soon. I'm leaving and I'll hopefully never come back. I can't spend the little bit of love I have left on you when I know it won't last. I'm not optimistic, but you've given me no reason to be. I'm going and you're staying in this hell hole. This place ***** the light out of my soul. It gives me no reason to stay, I just wish that you would..

I want you to want me, like I want you. I want you to need me, like I need you. I want to be the person you think about when you can't sleep at night, and when you first wake up in the morning. I want little things like a song, a commercial, or a piece of clothing to remind you of me. I want you to imagine us together. Imagine all the things we could be, do, and see. Together. Us. You and me. I want us to be more than just friends. I want us to be more than what we are or were. I want us to be the couple everyone looks at and is jealous of. I know we could be. I know we could be a power couple, constantly pushing each other to be better. I want to explore new things with you. Let's go on adventures, let's go get lost together. I want to build something so big, so pure, so real with you that it never really ends. I want you to want this. I want you to want me.

I'm good with words. I know how to build people up or completely break them. I've realized that people tend to take on one another's stress and worry about them or sympathize for them. That's why I don't like sharing my stress or making a big deal out of my problems. Even if it kills me, sharing is the last thing I want to do. I don't want to vent to you and unload my burden just so that now you.must carry it. It's my struggle. My burden. My life. I have no choice but to carry it. I don't want peoples sympathy. I don't want them to worry about me. I simply want them to understand what I'm going through and move on. Because, that's all I'm worth.

I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop wanting you. Nothing anyone can do or say can fill this hole you've left. It's like I'm walking around with only one leg, one arm, one eye, one lung, one half of my heart. I don't know how to fix it, to fill it. I want to be able to make it through the day without being reminded of what I should have said, could have done, might have had... You were all I wanted, all I want. Nothing really has changed except now you're there, I'm here. You still don't notice me, see me. You're still content with not letting anyone in. You still don't see that I see through the ******* you hand out, I see what's really going on. But, you don't know that, you can't realize that. For some reason.. I still want you. I still want you even though you ignore me. I still want you even though you talk to other women. I still want you even if you don't want me. And I hate myself for it. Why can't I just let it go, let you go? I'm tired of thinking about you, your sister, your family. I'm tired of having your face pop up in my head thinking I'll see you when I turn the corner. I'm tired of not ever being able to escape you. I'm just tired of it all. I want to know if it ever ends, if I ever stop feeling like I'm drowning. Like I'm buried deep in regrets. I wonder if I ever get a chance to live again...

I'm scared. I don't want to get close to you again just to have you leave. I can't. I've gone through so much to be at this point. A point where I'm not constantly thinking about you, day in and day out wondering if it would ever get easier, better. Yet, still praying I'd never forget you. If it took me six months to get here, how long will it take me to get back? Maybe I don't want to go back. All I really want is to stay in your arms forever. For you to hold me and never let go. Make me feel save, and know it'll all be okay in the end. Too bad we don't always get what we want. Too bad it's not up to me. I know I could make you happy.

What is like to be wanted? To be craved in every aspect? To have some one who simply longs to be in your company? This is a feeling that I am unaccustomed too. I would not know it if I was feeling it; however, I am certain that I want it. I want it for you, for me, for us. I want you to crave me like that. To simply desire me to be with you. My touch, sent, laughter, warmth, voice, my everything. Want me like I want you. Surely, that is all I want.

Why am I like this? How have I become what I once hated? There's no thrill, there isn't a rush, I'm not thriving. I don't know what to do, how to fix it. I simply feel empty, abandoned, alone. The more I pour my heart into you the more it hurts everytime you go. Maybe that's my problem: I always forget that everyone leaves. They move on to something better, happier, calmer. Something "less complicated". I don't care about it being complicated.. All I ever wanted was you. But you don't see me. To you I'm just invisible.