hah
as if it matters how
hard I try
you will always be there
you will always make
my heart ache
as soon as I see
your face and hear your
voice everything I have
tried so hard to forget
comes crashing back through
my mind making me wonder
what happened and
why did you leave
and why didn’t I follow

no matter what
you will always
be in the back of my mind
and in the back of my heart will
always be the question
what if

I watch as I trace my finger against the wall
taking in the noise it makes as the nail comes in
contact with the wallpaper

there must be more to life than this
having the little things impact me the way they do
not knowing what to do with this heavy heart of mine
not knowing how to continue on

my body feels so weighed down
and my head is battling the fog

i’m looking for the light
to save me from the darkness
but something tells me
it’s not coming

I am in a rut
an awful rut that I don’t know how to get out of
I find myself reaching for different things to bring me comfort
I’m not even for sure what I need
what I’m searching for
It’s like I have gone numb
It’s like I’m stuck in this current emotion and can’t get out
I’m bored yet content but sad yet feeling okay
I have felt on the verge of tears for the past few days and I don’t know why
I don’t know what my body is waiting for
It’s like I’m waiting for something to break me

pride
that’s what I’m afraid of
rejection
that too
to put yourself out there
to leave everything up to him
with no control
to possibly be laughed at
ignored
the thought terrifies me
of course it could be worth it all
even more than that
but the steps getting there
well I haven’t decided if the risk
is worth it yet

I am all alone
I have lain in this bed for hours
I can’t get up
it won’t let me
my body is frozen in place
as it curses through my veins
leaving me shaking
and unable to catch my breath
I try to form thoughts and
bring myself back
but it jumbles them
and I can’t think
everything is moving too fast
and I can’t think
and I can’t think
and I can’t
and I
I desperately try to think of someone
to help me
my mind goes through all my friends
and family members
no
no one understands
too many questions
I just need a hand
to pull myself out of this
but I am all alone

its 7:47
and all I can think about
are my biggest fears

not the silly ones
like spiders or breaking a bone

(but the big ones)

like what accelerates my heartbeat
and makes time stand still when
I think about it
the ones that leave me
panicked and overwhelmed

but instead of letting the fear control me
I am trying to teach myself to let it
push me to somehow influence my
every move for the better

if I don’t want these fears to be
a reality, then I need to choose
which path to take
(which way to let my mind wander)
to influence my life in a positive way

there are only so many things in my life
that I can control
my thoughts being one of them

fear is in my mind
that’s where all the biggest fears
come from and I’m learning to
fight those one moment
at a time