Fluid, flowing, glowing

Don’t disconnect, keep going

Swimming through the water like a tribe of rainbow otters

Reconnecting to the self I’ve been dissecting
For year after year
Fear after fear
With tear after tear I am finally whole
A role and sole rolling back into the fold
Creating a story to be told
Grateful to let this world unfold

From grief to relief with no need for belief
Instead, be a lead, slowly blowing in the breeze
Finally flowing free with ease

Less disconnect, more disco
Reconnected, I can let go
Resurrected, I can now grow

Looking down
From such great heights
My soul grows wings
Finally taking flight


I am small in the largest ways
I am the sun and all its rays
Life is a fragile, fleeting haze
Until it is seen with the sun’s clear gaze


Grief and gratitude stretch me large
Ego surrenders, no longer in charge

I wake, and I break, and in shattering, I slake
The endless thirst, the hunger that takes
I finally find peace, a break, a cease
To the fire, and find a sweet release

Dear Mother,

AKA Mom

Please show me
Show you know me
Show me what I need to see
If not need, perhaps want
And if you can’t, you can punt
Show me what you like
Find joy from within
I will gladly share with you
I will gladly dive in

I wish you saw
The beauty I see
In every falling leaf
From every changing tree

Maybe you did
You just got stuck somewhere
Because life is not fair
And you had so much pain to bear

I wanted you to see
That bare of heart means free
More than it hurts
It lets you finally be

Just be
No need for doing
A clear lens
Free from constant skewing

I love you more
Than I could ever show
You had a true shine
An unbelievable glow

I hope you are out there
Show me
Wonders great and small

If you give me the chance
I swear
I will always take your call

Love,
Derrick

Touch
I want it so much
Electric
Ecstatic
Attachment automatic

As soon as it begins
My head, it swirls, it swims
Intimacy together
Attached not tethered

A hand to hold
A leg to touch
A hug, a kiss
I long so much

The soma
The body
My Nadis, not naughty
It’s healthy, not snotty
Even if she a shawty

We are social creatures
Not a bug, it’s a feature
I’m not a leech or a lecher
Touch is holy; I’m a preacher
A reacher
Let me lead her
On a path under the bleachers

A gentle caress
More, not less
I must confess
I want to undress
You from that sundress
That is unless
It causes duress

Because at the end of the day, I just want to play
To dance, to sway
To lay in golden glimpses of ego eclipses
To live on the edge of ellipsis...

If our lips touch then I may combust
A price worth paying for your trust
To let me in, to let me hold you
Is more special than I ever told you

I enter into the world like a spinning leaf
You feel me, you sense me, I require no belief


I am the wind blowing through the trees
I am the laughter spilling forth with ease
I am the heartbreak that brings you to your knees
I am the sweet, salty call to the seas


I am the power in your hands
I am the weight of life’s demands
I am the shifting, spilling sands
I am the falling star that never lands

I know not what it takes for endless thirst to slake
Forever hungry for another bite to take
Yet, if you can find the means for meaning to make
You may one day find yourself awake

I never felt ok
I never felt not ok
I found a way

I swam backwards, against the grain and granted my pain the grace to keep me sane while feeling so outside my brain that novocaine and Kurt Cobaine could barely find the vein of comfortably numb I need to stay inside my lane

Like Bane I was born in the dark and somehow I found a spark, the light at the end of the tunnel if the tunnel was more like a pit
It’s amazing how much perspective matters when you’re inside of it
The gravity overwhelms me when I’m at the helm, but sometimes I can get my feet in the air and my head on the ground and vertical seems a little more horizontal this time around
Perhaps that’s the trick
A trick of the light
A way to finally fight
A way to come undone from holding so **** tight

Let loose but still in boundaries, that’s what I always had to do because true freedom confounds me
I don’t know what to do when I feel so blue that even pure O2 couldn’t bring back a normal hue
Suffocating and ice skating cold as ice maybe that’s why 11 minutes won’t suffice, I’m the ice man with my ice plan maybe a cold bath will clean the blood from my hands
I can’t stand a headstand ‘cause the feeling of being free has always escaped me, locked in the trunk like Stan, and surrender sounds so sweet until I feel the pain that hides behind the sweet release
How much pain have I endured and how many people have I cured without ever helping myself
Too many to be sure
Healer heal thyself but I’m the biggest hypocrite on the shelf
Mental health or mental wealth I never know I just show myself the way of zen and keep on diving in
Sometimes it’s healing that sends me reeling, sometimes it’s joy that transcends feeling
Keeling over from either I choose neither, I want to be numb but something inside me tells me that’s dumb, don’t succumb, don’t just *** but be the sum of all the pain and like the rain fall back to earth find rebirth and recycle through the trees and the clouds no longer shrouds but part of being pure bright seeing without fleeing perfect being without me-ing am I leaping to conclusions or transcending my delusions I don’t know I’m just here spitting typing fire words for myself in thirds

Me myself and I
I always wonder why
Myself and Me can’t get on the same team but who is the wonderer when my attention wanders
One under the other I discover it’s a self collapsing doll, turtles all the way down after all
Stop and stall when I will but I still find a thrill from the jagged little pill of self-knowledge that I hate to acknowledge
I get to the ledge and say no way, not today, I can’t take the leap I’m too afraid
That’s why I stayed, alone in the dark for so long
Trapped in the pit of my despair
No one there
Maybe they were but I didn’t let them in
I didn’t let them see my sin I sent them away and prayed that someone without judgment might one day help me see the gray
I don’t know how else to convey that this black and white mentality is insanity and calamity and the only thing that ever made sense to me
I want to change, I want to be the man that I sometimes can see
But sometimes he is blurry for the tears
Blurrier still for all my fears
Blurrier yet again for all the years
So many that I let slip by and now I finally find the strength to try

To be the light at the end of the tunnel, the top of the pit
To be the hole and the funnel, gas finally lit
An explosion that propels me onward and upward
I am not throwing away my shot
I will not run away and hide
Finding a reason for these tears I’ve cried
Pit or tunnel, I’m no longer inside
One final thought for me to confide:
Aiming toward the sky is the best thing that I’ve ever tried

The mystic missed the mist

For he was focused on the most

The waterfall, the all, the awe

No longer just the grist, the gist

He was the mill, the real, the wheel

No longer knowing, he could fully feel

Past the taste, the snack, and to the meal

So freely given he could not hope to steal