I’m the rolling winter rock
Dirt soles and burnt insides
I’m already in hell so
how
can you scare me with
tales of the
boogeyman
My nightingales caged up inside I
often forget to feed it
so it’s dying and chirping out
“How can you not love me”
The tar of my lungs is the only
company it’s
getting these days
we’re playing chicken
with father
death
and he is
winning
I often forget my own
name
until someone screams it
out saying
“Jacob, have you lost you mind”
I think I have, it’s
a rolling winter rock
with nothing
inside.

sometimes i wonder if i had waited, would i be happier

but then i would be mourning three lost loves instead of just one

there's something so selfish
in the way we try to monopolize and
control each other
the human existence is paradoxical
all our efforts slowly unravel
like cloth caught on sharp edges we
snag onto something
and never let go
I love you
don't you dare ignore me
I need the attention
pretend I'll never be alone
this is forever because
I said so
let's build a future together
and destroy everything
in our way
because all that matters is that
we're happy
who cares what anybody else says
you only need me
and these bed sheets
give up and surrender
to that fleeting ecstasy we encounter
together we can feel
as if we can accomplish anything
and be content
with only each other
because that's love to us

No matter who I meet
Or how i behave
There are those who cheat
And theres me, who gives all I gave

It still will never be enough
Because i'm not her
I will never have the stuff
Me becoming that girl will never occur

You say it so swiftly
"I wish you can be Mel"
Words flew so quickly
You don't even know how I felt

I'm like a penny
you need more of me
To keep you steady
Enough 'till i'm finally she

I'm just a piece
until you finally mold me
and then you're at peace
But you just can't see

I will never be her
therefore i will never be enough
For you, this is a blur
and i need to get tough

Either it's the ones in a relationship
Wanting a side
Not wanting to be patient
Talking with deception not a lie.

Or it's the ones who want  one thing
and for sure
He's not giving you a ring
Just a walk down the hall to the door

Or the ones who kinda want something genuine
But not with you.  
Although it seems innocent
It isn't and sadly he doesn't give you a clue.

This is what hurt feels like
Getting hit by a car
being left for dead
But not dying.
And you cry to be able to know you're still alive
But you're in pain and have a lot of trauma

But I'm wrong
It's worst than that
Especially when he manipulates and convinces me

It's like things are going so well
and out of no where a hot rock hits your head
and it swells
and now you're half dead

It's definitely like
not being able to sleep
Thinking about it constantly
Who to blame
How to make it feel better
how to move on.

Sleeping less than 2 hours a night
walking around like nothing is bothering you
Living with a weight on you
Something that is such a fright
And nothing you can do

Not getting justice from the law suit
Not being able to help when needed the most
Not being able to save your self
Be restrained from the use of your own-self
To the point where you don't like yourself

Esteem low
How can i grow?

Why does it matter
Why do i care
It only gets me sadder
especially by your stare

I can't be helped,
It won't go away.
I'll let the cuts welt,
It will be almost okay.

Shaken at the core of my being.
I feel I'm losing touch.
From all the things that I adore.
And love so much.
Giving in to this filthy world.
Holding on by the spool.
Will I overcome this hell in me.
Or drown as a fool.

Buried deep in this hole.
I feel like letting go.

Faith is deteriorating.
Morals slowly decaying.
What have I become?
Take me back to the days.
Where I felt that I was one.
With the ones I hold dear.

Please don't let me fall away!
I'm holding on barely and praying!
Begging you to save me!
Wearily but strongly I'm holding on!
(By an inch of faith of my own thread!)
To see the light of day!

Lord I know that I'm a sinner.
And I try my hardest to break away.
But each day it gets harder and harder.
When my flaws are thrown back at me.
Hanging my head in shame.
As I look in the mirror
Knowing I could make a change.
If only I'd see clearer.

Grant me the peace I need.
To make it through the day.
Renew my heart of guilt and sorrow.
So I can find my way.
I know you are there there through the darkest of greys.
So give me all I need
To see when you reach for me
I will grab your hand!!!

Walking down the avenues
And my stomach is turning
Im stuck in my head
My heart is pounding harder
9 little cracks, a dusted off corner
Left alone
They call me a brain vagabond
I dont know where to go
Wonderland, is what i call home

Im not insane
Im not insane
Im not insane
I jumped over a wall
Im not insane
Glasses crack, piano starts
Bass drops
Im okay
Im okay
Im okay

Lips are cracked
Eyes are glistening
Dry throat
I see home
ballgowns, insanity
Heart-shaped hats, non-existent cats

Im run into a strange mans arms
Im alright
Im not insane
Im okay.
                  
                        - m.r. | wonderland

The room is silent
My bed is empty
Eyes of violet
Haunt my memory

My heart is beating
It skips one or two
Moonlight bleeding
Onto images of you

The past is nearly present
The future seems so far
Her perfume is a presence
Her eyes are distant stars

Today my friend looked me in the eyes and told me that
If I give any more of myself away, I’m not going to have any parts left for myself
But I don’t need any more of me.
I have too much of me.
I want to give it all away.
Even when I know that it’ll end up at the bottom of your backpack

or forgotten in a laundry basket

or on the ground outside of your favorite coffee shop

I want to give and give until you can’t empty out your pockets without finding pieces of me.
I want you to go to a baseball game, sing the national anthem,
and put your hand over your heart
Only to realize that there’s a perfect indention
in the shape of my hand
in the middle of your chest, pushing
Beating for you
I want to fill your lungs with my breath
Even though I know I’ll never get it back
Just so I know every sigh is of me
I want to be your oxygen mask
To suffocate knowing that you can breathe a little bit easier
I’ll give my hands to your ribcage,
So maybe I can feel how you hold yourself together.
I’ll give my lips to your body
Leaving secrets down your neck, and your shoulder blades, your hip bones
Stitch together the scars you’ve left open with the most private parts of me
Until you can hold another person in your arms without splitting yourself apart
I want to give it all away.
Until I run out of me to give you, or things to leave behind
And once you’ve collected all of me.
Every hidden inch of my being
When you find me under your fingernails,

in the melody of your favorite song

Hidden in your bedsheets

And all I can do is rework the scraps I have left
Into a frame that might resemble a person who remains
Unapologetically full

*I will still wish I could give you more.