Lies only exist
in the spaces
between
yes and no

Exit signs are
Appealing  to those
Who never felt
Invited.....

You always looked at me and said "Darling smile"....
I smiled out of politeness because i wasn't sure what made me sad.....
You use to hold me tight when during the night my dreams were more than i could take...
I drank like the answer to all my problems were in some sort of crisis at the bottles bottom....
Then like I had to celebrate I pushed thru the safety in your arms and said " *******"...
With tears in my eyes and fear in my mind it made you the enemy.....
But when i heard no mayday from 20 000 leagues under the liquor...
I was happier than i ever was rescuing the answer that never came...
No first aid trying to resuscitate the dead reason for my misery will ever be equal to you...
Like I get it now they weren't calling for my help they were calling me away from you....
I see you sometimes with that bottle like you hear that SOS too....
I sent out a message from my hell neatly wrote in a bottle....
It reads BABE IM ALL THE HELP THEY NEED... GO BACK ILL COME BACK AS SOON AS I CAN....
And then I go back to my rescue just looking for answers somewhere at the bottom......

36 hrs ..... seems like almost a day maybe a half..... elevator rides uncomfortable talks with them....
A hopeful presentation to your forever.... Stale sandwiches in a line of comfortable sweats.....
Knowing that you were gonna be someones hero.... hungover like a villain...
Theres no bat phone where you live... The best example may be close to an Alfred....
I prayed to a saline bag..... Begging him or her to ease some pain.... Not because she was hurting...
Because you were hurting when she was in pain....
A memory of that night...... That morning and you knew the best of you was theirs....
Telling the other one you had a duty... Because you still inside missed the first….
A quiet conflict because you barely knew her.... And at the same time remember every moment...
The moment is not a Time its an Emotion.... a Florescent room.... a Readers Digest the copy of Motor weekly....
The quiet broken promise....... Now everything is just a contained mess....
A night when you drove to her house just after midnite.... Telling her that gr 10 and pregnant was not her fault...
But not ready to be blamed...
A car full of friends on a birthday everyone will remember.... Not you.... An invitation was just another responsibility...
Then it was a desperate attempt to build a Castle... A futon in the midlle of a tiny living room...
The shame of your mother when you called her grandma... Disappointment was now all they expected... Now being the exact definition of Expected Disappointment...
A jewellery store... The lady with thick rimmed glasses muttering "Your too young"...
Feeling that the 6 months with her could be stretched....
The first time I felt YOU move.....
Now knowing that no matter how bad I was at everything.... You will now always be the best....
Those were the nights you weren' t wasted... Now you realize wasted isnt an Emotion Its a Time...
Maybe it was that time she fell asleep in tears... Because less than two months before her mom made me sleep on the floor...
Her mom was right i hated her all along but the outcome would be as comforting as it was frightening....
I could say anything to make you sleep with me but nothing made you feel loved...
Your letters stopped having those hearts over i's.... You all the sudden became 6'4... And all i could do was try to hold you...
No more all night parties... Opening walls to find  hidden furnaces..... Eviction notices.... Disconnect letters.... Empty bank accounts....That could no longer be "normal".....
Those two days of stimulated sundowns and then sun ups.....
You should have never come there... I was the mistake a dark eyed monster....
The baby blue car.... A 45 minute ride.... A realization that birth isnt just on Tv....... This was happening!!.....
And you truly brought your best...
If i could live that moment again i would wear a suit....
How my ridiculous spikes were a hairstyle no longer approved.... Maybe a butler... Because you know now...
How that moment where you saw each other will be Forever....
That nite where 36hrs no longer mattered because it was time you were without her....
A heaven spelled backwards... Not just a name but a promise......
She aged a lifetime that night.... A choice was made….. A quiet contract between them...
Oh god why didnt i sign?.. All the teddy bears in the world would mean nothing now....
I cant remember a ***** diaper... A day of teething.... Her first sounds or The time she wanted me.....
Sorry is not a word that can be ok.... I cant tell her sorry….. I don’t deserve to feel ok….
36hrs is just about the time it takes to never be a man…. I was not doing them a favor they never told me "No"….
I can only hope I was 36 hrs of someone else's pain….
Because I can not remember anything before that……..

Another glass on the rocks as the day glows on the horizon
A 5 am whiskey is now a staple into my challenge
If its me versus everyone than a constant buzz seems mandatory
If god knows what the **** im doin out here than he needs to lead
Pillars are what people see themselves perched on like a buzzard of elite
The dollar a paper with a design now makes strong men break.....
The weight of that currency must be heavy it drags them down
Will another zero after that last make the day any longer.....
Does a platinum credit card mean you are finally stronger???
I waste my days to keep my family in status quo
The whole time im really missin my babies grow
The world i see isnt feeling well.......
Like instead of reaching for heaven we turned towards hell.....
But I still head towards a future more than risky.......
I guess Ill get used to that 5 am whiskey.......

The drunken dance of our war torn hearts are just the echo of a better time in my shattered mind....
The laughter of the peak of hapiness is just a cruel mask to temporary solitude...
Bring me back to my home or at least the castle in memories and stay safe in my arrogant tower...
Let your pedastal stand in hoarded surroundings so my clutter looks up to something...
Ill pull myself together and break the spell of shattered dreams only to make the moment seem beautiful....
But dont look back or the five oclock shadow of a broken man will engulf the joy i see in your eyes....
I disappear into the nothingness created by my wisdom to let her be free....
And as i watch her leave she takes the last breath of pure air in my vaccuum of heartache...

Set me on fire like the day you stared at me across the rooom...
Gently whisper envious things that no one else will ever hear...
Run from your seat and be safe within my embrace....
Id settle for any one of those moments but dont be worried....
Cause everytime I close my eyes all i can see is your perfect face...
Your the reason I race to sleep and wake up with my eyes full of tears...
I pray I never get the chance to see you again....
But I still cant explain why I love you still  after all these years...

A culture of a lifestyle bred by need maintained by loyalty
Seems so abstract and dilusional in the perception of "normal"
Is the realization the handicap of chemical is perhaps a fairytale
Because everyone wants a happily ever after...
But no one realizes we are happy all the time...
But once upon a time this feeling we
gained from limited choice..
Never held my attention like a story set in the world of make believe
But a swift sorted magical spool or slipper never became reality
So we bit the apple of don't give a **** and became the villain in the story

I could write about Brooklyn or Australia like I could write about being happy and complete...
Ive never been there wouldnt that be neat  ....
Sonnet brief memories about the east coast of Canada nights in Victoria or Vancouvers bay....
Like loved ones i feel were taken too quickly away....
Ballads of regret and momentarily held Passion and Lust.....
Now I know the pleas of Apology and Distrust....
I can stare across the Prairie any given night ....
And  with A blanket of stars Above I  know you were right...
So as Im looking up at the northern lights dance....
Feels like the heavens are looking down saying....
"We gave you your chance"........

Sitting in the shell of burden
The sounds of youth blare out of mispent
Time
A simple coincendence I'm at the helm bottle in hand
But a copilot was not in my users manual
So as we check with the tower for clearance on life
The only thing I can thinlk is well an autopilot setting worked before
A honk from a curious stranger means that I am on the radar
Well I guess care and control is a option for authority
But you can't control me and I don't care enough to worry bout it

If a lost cause felt the mourning of his fate.... the pain would be felt....
try gets lost in failure and getting up is to hard under the weight of your expectations....
Believe that your words echo in my nightmares and come out in the worst ways .....
Light shadows are a glimpse into the hopeful craters where love once crashed...
I am not a punching bag that deserves the punishment on my label....
terror is now a comfort cause hollow bleeds out of pores on my armour....
strength cannot be my ally because my weakness is where i last felt strong...

LIKE delicate erosion you found my heart.....
Not like soft kisses and lustful stares channelled my Infatuation.....
Seems like an enchanted fairy tale...
My world held you... Planetary grip felt so Universal....
I can smell your hair as it danced on my disbelief....
As your touch pinned me and made me weak.....
I glanced as to not be frozen in you and THAT smile.....
Auditory laughs are frequent as I close my wounds....
No more glass panes observing empty promises.....
But with hopeful gambles....  Risk became easy....
Id grab you and make my heart break for the instant gaze....
Run my hand thru your hair to feel angels delicate beauty...
Pull you near so I would feel strong......
Weak wishes only now....
But id break my heart forever to have one grasp....
Like I know youd never fight me....
We love like bandits and liars .....
Like we both stole each others hearts.....
And promised each other Forever......

What I see is the product of wholesale hate.... an inexpensive solution to happiness… a scratched table leg...
The memory of laughter around a table or in a red station wagon... Long trips in a car with no air conditioning.. When i found out my feet were no longer kissable...
The thought of " Im Happy"..... Maybe its never a good feeling....
Then i learnt that distance is equal to money... Then it was not watching you eat cake...
My wishes were no longer " Ours"....
A bike ride became an excuse to watch the highway.... high flying jumps as you drove by a honk was as good as a hug....
Being mad as you were always asleep in your spot... Hating the dent on the couch...
Now wishing that the imperfection of furniture meant you were still here...
Watching the spot in our garage fill with picture albums...
Where every garage sale Our memories were only a buck....
That day when our red station wagon became a shiny new truck... Still red but to clean as if we were not gritty....
My Friday nights when ten o'clock was the limit.. And faking sober over minty mumblings...
And soon You would say.. "Dont breathe on mom"....
Even though the truth you hid was like a slap in your face...
Saturday morning where a quiet " Davie son"... Was always met by a simple "Im Up"...
A white lie to cover the truth.... I loved Saturdays more than Friday nights...
Fridays were for friends..... Saturday was for my hero, Black tar in faded cups...
Because sugar must have been a luxury you couldnt afford.... I wont drink black coffee anymore......
The more blue creamers make it less painful...
That time you said get out of "His" chair.... Then everyone knew it was MY chair....
Such a simple thing a place where i learned that a set of blue coveralls was as good as a red cape....
A briefcase was not just for lawyers... It was the place where you could find the last picture of us together....
A sunny day where i watched you turn an empty room into a work of art only now I know WE could only appreciate...
The bending two by fours as you made them a highway for black pipes...
That day i carried both tool boxes at the same time... Thinking why did you park so far away?....
But the way you smiled and winked when i put them down...
I catch myself sometimes in moments of pride winking at her.......
Those times where i can hear You in Me and it shoots out my mouth with a "Jesus Christ"...
Then apologies in the form of gifts... Men don't apologize......
I still cant afford your gift.... Maybe its not available in bars.. Or in measured amounts...
It cant be bought all at once...... Only in payments of my best.....
I haven't made a payment in a while....
But I remember I sign an extension every night.... Signed in tears in an office only visible with eyes closed....
Its the only place my chair still exists... A room with a briefcase on a desk... Slurppes with ice cream Dire Straits over the radio....
Playing in a shop i cant get too....
Where i can still carry your tool boxes...
Then flashes of black cowboy boots... Blue coveralls...
But never a smile or a wink...
Then i come back and whimper "Jesus Christ".....
Real men don't cry... Its been a while since i've been a real man...
Now its just an excuse for bars and measurements……

Tell me what it is you see when i say the word beauty or love  ....
Most would say a flower a sunset or there god from above....
I see it as a toothless grin from the man who values more with alot less than others....
The scared adopted kid when he learns that he has brothers....
The family who lost everything to some unknown fate....
But knowing together they are stronger than any hate...
The smile of a child in a moment of fear...
That is the time that makes everything clear...
That beauty and love may not walk hand in hand...
That the definition of each is for us to understand....
Look at the world in a view through others peoples eyes...
And it will show itself in ways that always surprise....

If your religion is what seperates me...
Than as an atheist i cant be free...
If your god only listens when you preach his word...
Than he is better listening to other things he heard...
I do believe in something and I pray...
It was worst part of life that that makes me say...

If life was a journey a learning mystery?
Than the great almighty gave me a powerful history...
I lived through the worst the things i cant ever say...
Being me is the choice i make everyday...
I will not ever say im better than anyone else...
Because I seen the bottom and had no help...
Learned I was different and reminded I was brown....
Than told If i gave my life to him i would be found...
I am a ******* person an equal event...
In a world based in money i never costed a cent...
I died twice when i was born and never saw the end..
I mourned the loss of two sets of parents and buried my best friend...
I was homeless and alone and I stared at the sky....
I said ******* any challenge ill try...
My greater power is the reason i go on...
Not to do any service only to prove him wrong...
You chose me as a target a starting point to measure...
To say the life you lead is better than my drug induced pleasure....
I wrote a book my story changed your views....
With my back against the wall i refused to lose...
My life isnt a basket full of donations...
I am no longer scared to say im native... First Nations...
I was not meant to be here Im suppose to be gone...
And by the word of your god I am a sinner and wrong...
The powers a mystery A faceless name...
But in my belief...... He treats everyone the same...

I knew you'd leave....
But staying was a selfish hope....
Thanks for my life back it reminded me....
Once upon a time "trust" meant false pretentions. ..
Home never came with a clear address........
Blood is not what makes a brother.....
Strange addictions now seem common .....
While most things never caused me discomfort.....
Missing you is a reality I know I'll face.....
While I stood in your presence and thought of the end...
What I meant to say is " thank you for being my friend".........

Hazy houses only contain helpless hope masked by chemical....
Broken bottles like souls remain at our feet on grimey concrete...
We smile thru deceptive instruction
to rally rebellion .....
And like we challenge ourselves we shuttle towards deadends ....
But this is as happy as we can achieve with tempory friends...
But fatigue and famine contain the way our hell ends....
If we could have just believed in upstairs cellars...
Maybe we wouldnt have eased our way down into lower levels..
But welcome mats litter the basements we exist...
While we take another hit .... I kinda remember the things i miss...

Why do you sneak into my brain like a silent assassin
I think about you as I hold someone else, Ineptitudes laughter
Forces me to run from every comfortable embrace
Like a madman poised on certain madness I whimper by myself
With eyes closed I strain to forget your image and breath on my skin
Your light still holds me as I stared for that last time into your eyes
Alcohol and cigarettes are now the sure sign of remembrance
A quick typing keyboard or a dull broken pencil......
Means that I no longer want to be the life of your party
I can no longer shoulder your pain... Missing her seems like everything
And as i Light one more cigarettte and open one more bottle....
No more tears no more thoughts....  I try not to think about it anymore....

She got the looks of an angel hidden under demon dust burned onto her by years of trials by fire.....
She stands tall left behind by loved ones under weight to great for her frail beauty to support.....
Yet she smiles at me with a glow unknown to her jury who sentanced her to a life of disappointment....
Her armour falls away under the touch of my hands every night leaving an impression of heaven......
May the tears i cry shouting at a place she cant believe be  enough for salvation of her tortured soul....
Because my decision on which place to worship .... Will come out of my prayers to make her feel whole....

While i shelter the storm... Memory is what light bears.....
As the light goes to a place I want to follow.....
The night shares the truth that fairytales are for the forgotten....
I Mistake her for the one that got away....
And brokenhearted truely alone I lay..
I watch her and she dreams of someone other than me...
Its the realization now we both sleep with the enemy....

I dont dance and remember when... Like a country ballad I sat and wrote our future.....
Ash trays and bottle caps are surrounded by crumpled looseleaf  melted bees wax remindds me of the light i put out...
Like the only warmth in my desperate dungeon simplicity now i understand like a Einstein of obvious....
I frame my failures and hang the posts of social media near my melencholy motivations....
Desperate attempts now rely on the decline of my terror strapped sometime to become your worst nightmare...
2 am shifts and puch cards of never there left me tired of successful failure...
Cellular connection and text wars now fill my only connection when im not out of the service area......
Isnt wealth suppose to be your accept of my last mistake? Cold sandwiches Vlts double ryes supplement my misery....
A juggling act of balance now wears out the clown beneath my circus....
As the reality of a sublime future lights the mornings I leave... Sunset just means the day cannot sell my darkness its light...
As I forget how to smile and you remember how to dance....
know that staring at myself in motel mirrors and reflective gazes....
I know that deep inside im the one who needs changes...

Another case of penny wise violence...
gained respect out of childish nonsense...
repetitive skipping records complete painful soundtracks...
Track marks are now the cry for help that hurts there ears.....
****** knuckles handcuffed behind your emotions replace the tears...
Sudden distress felt on richter scales in fallen connection...
Now became a part of life you dare not mention.....
Shutters and picket fenced gold advertise once the life you foolishly sold..
completion of a lover left you suddenly quiet...
trying to forget only meant its to real to deny it....
reality confused your perception of selfish behavior...
Chemical reaction..
bottled control now became your savior...
Like a forest fire uncontrolled embers float along setting fire to desire.....
And a lost call for help became the truth labelled liar...
believe my worded confessional admissions over static frequencys
This is the only a programmed commercial not the best of me......

I would sing you song if i could CARRY a tune.... I would always be holding your hand...
Instead of always leaving for work.... My job would be you....
.But never use the word job.... A job seems to be the biggest obstacle..... Early mornings... Late nights... Inappropriate anger that i know you absorb....
How i call home when i feel like i cant do this anymore... And how u never know that i was anything but dad....
The words i can never come up with.... A day without an egg is gonna be really sad...
I would **** anyone who hurts you... Because hearing you in pain kills me.....
I made you..... Hmmm i realize now you made me.....
You made me smile… You made me strong and You made me something i thought i could never be...
What that is will always be  yours....
I once wished to   fall in love... with the perfect girl...
I now know wishes do come true...
I never want you to be anything but you...
The way you sing like nobodys listening...
How a four tooth handicap may be necessary...
Because when you smile its already too amazing...
Where did these four short years go??...
Time can be the only thing i never accounted for...
Every minute i can steal from life i will give to you...
So I can teach you to never steal....
I will always be in the front row of every Christmas concert....
Be on the sidelines of every game...
I'm not watching the Rudolphs or even keeping score...
It's Your game… Your recital....
And if the day ever comes your too scared or embarrassed to be on a stage....You can see me in the front row...
And i hope you give me your best.... You brought out the best in me...
I will never have the same sets of rules for you.... Mine will be simple.... But maybe ill put those in other poems........
And one day when i am no longer cool....... I am no longer fun……..
I will give them to you.... So you will realize that you were always my baby...
And even though i cant sing a song….. I Will always CARRY you….

List on the mind of a battered soul.... realization cannot confirm delayed emotion...
Trickled memories bleed from an interior flood of bottled emotions....
Grasping tightly to reality only means someone should hold my hand....
As I grip tightly to a blanket covering what I hate more than anything.....
But bedtime means you are finally truly alone and demons dance in the dark....
Not like I mind they remind me I was once happy....
So I close my eyes and scream into there party....
Does my memorable madness echo through the hallway I built full of locked doors?
Is this all a dream and did I go to somewhere dark.....
But every time I open my eyes the demons are still dancing in the dark....
So with great exhaustion I accept that there not there to take me anywhere....
With all this pain inside they already have me where they want me....
And the shuffles now waltz me to my personal hell....
Like ballerinas dance in music boxes... my demons dance in the dark.....

Like distance scarred me and terrorized your perception of my "Perfect Life"....
Like i divorced success and made incomplete failure my wife...
I know im being the **** of jokes not meant to motivate.....
Trust in the fact I disowned love andreluctantly adopted hate.....
My childish belief that you meant me no harm....
Like instead of helping me up you ripped off my arms ....
U say maybe they would like me more....
But every welcome mat to me has been outside the door....
Im ok being entirely by myself... Im not even close to lonely...
So put all ur well wishes online or get off ur *** and phone me.....
U can ask but still I wont give up my digits......
You did way too much damage to ever ****** fix it.....
Remember when i go how much i was Hated.....
And carve my marker with "Life was Truly Overrated"...

Like I never felt comfort within lovers arms....
You were my first felt comfort.....
Holding you was true bliss mixed with confusion....
Missing you is misery mixed with regret.....
I think of you more often than sometimes is an understatement...
Like plagiarism of that line is easier to swallow....
Define lonely and accepting your departure equally impossible...
But like fortune turned its gaze you fell asleep in my arms....
You smiled at me when I was busy ignoring your stare...
My fingers played with the tips of yours like childish fantasy....
Behind the person I thought I was a true broken man emerged....
Because the sound of you leaving destroyed my ego....
Now haunting "what if "? And repeated " I should haves"  are too easy....
The hardest part of easy now is seeing how simply loved me...
These are the last words I'll write because you deserve better than sad  poems...
"Believe my love.. lifetime is a bitter acceptance till I can say gospel levity....
You deserved nothing other than the absolute best of me.....
Please never change....You were perfect being yourself...
I thought love and happiness went hand in hand with material and wealth...
Love you forever but have to let you be free....
Be where you belong and don't worry about me"....
Goodbye my love.....

I cant recall the nights I used to stare at stars thinking you would answer
Protesting my state and berating the loss
Children have been less needy than myself.. Handouts of sympathy no longer require my attendance....
Happy birthday only means I have the regret I created loss meant I couldn't be found
Blame is no longer sought... I burned all the memories but theres a few I forgot....
Nitetime hugs seemed so foolish as you always gave me a goodnite kiss...
Id trade everything I have for one more embrace.... Take back everything ive done for one more glimpse of your face...
Oh memories I guess tonight I know that candles on a cake are the one thing I wont blow out.....
with forgotten pain and new brought sorrow..... my birthday wish is simple " I cant wait till tomorrow".....

Shelter me like I'm "homeless".......
Not be a use I don't have an address.....
Merely because if home houses your heart....
There is a missing poster on the back of your ***** bottle....
Like the mistake on the bark where I once carved " true love"....
Happiness became of parking lot no occupied by strangers
Like titles reflect the hierarchy of spots closest to your heart
Methamphetamine now occupies the spot reserved for mom, dad and best friend
But time is a magician pulling white rabbits from memories ......
Where your the only audience members and you can only ask "how?".....
But like tricks fade into logic i always see the illusion
And memories become anger against the fraudulent belief in "time"
Grief is not a one night event where disbelief could refund your happiness....
And forgive ushers who now seem more like drug dealers....
Because the best seat they could offer only got you closer to regret
Life is the greatest notice pinned on a corkboard in shady establishments
Where the small print cannot be read at a passing glance
So later on in the alley where you self medicate.....
The dumpster contains the poster you so blindly believed.....
Now you see the possible outcome to the " greatest show on earth".....
Professionals on a closed course...... trained professionals should not be attempted at home.....
And I guess like I already said if my heart is "home".....
Then as an amateur on life's stage I'll leave actors like happiness, success and bliss to wow people at a great expense.....
But like a fool I invested every hope I saved into them.....
Now I'm bankrupt and homeless staring from the alley between life and death...
But the best part about next door is its free....
And must be worth the cost... no one ever seems to come out.....

I cant believe your mine....
U smile and break my silence.....
I gasp between minor squints .....
To focus on the fact u are looking at me.....
U grab my hand between cigarette drags....
And blow toxic lust in my face and giggle....
Your eyes sparkle and Im not even bothered....
I cant believe your mine.....
You stagger out my door and catch my attention....
Your head on my chest hears a heart that came back for you....
I smile once only to remind you im the lucky one...
I withhold my intentions to make you blush....
So I listen closer to make ur voice seem cherished....
And it leaves me distracted from my pain....
I cant believe your mine....
I can read ur face behind huge sunglasses.....
When ur eyes become a lie detector and obvious....
How I end up on the edge of a queen size bed....
Because in our sleep your embrace still chased me....
Or how when I wake up see you asleep....
I kiss your forehead to remind you your loved....
I cant believe your mine.....
So I wont and live in this fantasy....
Cuz belief is not important ....
Having you here IS.....

Mind of a sinner heart of a saint ....
Stimulated fakeness that makes others faint...
Sitting out playing with time and guns....
Dont judge I never learned to walk before i had to run......
Last nights bottle is the first shot of my day...
Each time I start it pushes everyone farther away.....
You might try to save me.... But I dont want to be found...
Truth be told i hate it up here... Id rather be under the ground...

If I had CONTROL… The word means strength it reminds me of a man who is only alive in my memories….
It’s the first thought after things go bad….. The nervous laughter caused by anxiety……                                
After last nites drunk… Riding in that cop car…. a reassurance that this was your “ plan”….
Hearing her cry on the phone …. Or worse not hearing her at all……
Believing a silence was the same as a forgiveness….
Waking up pretending last nite wasn’t real….          
A joke at work where everyone laughs… Knowing that laughter is better spent on other things..
For every bottle cap or tab is like a countdown to the terrible truth…
Being right there but belief beyond hope keeps you invisible…. Seeing her cry….
The real moment where you cannot remember winning….
The moment where you realize it was never a gamble… She was yours….
Now you watch the parts of your life you hate… Bounce… Asking for seven and eleven….
Not for the win…. Only for the fact the dealer might give you another roll …..
Hoping for snake eyes of her face… belieiving you could read the table…..
And placing it all on control…. Now I know a word like control isn’t much different than gamble…
I don’t understand either… But everyone who asks I say……….
“ I never gamble……. I feel sorry for those who lost control…. “
AND CONTROL MEANS EVERYONE AND EVERTHING........

If I wasn’t  “here”?.... where is “here”?...
Is it the 14 hr days of work...The lonely bed where even though I call her my wife I sleep alone…….
I can’t say that “here” is exactly my destination...
I think that i would be missed... When the bills became too much... when the work became too much....
I dont think “here” realizes how much I wanna be “there”....
I can count everything good in my world on one hand...
But just like my good hand  only four digits work....
Like on the end of a phone number... Oh the numbers I know ... They dont answer anymore...
Now it’s not soo bad... She trades handjobs for beer... I can be the cause of every instance...
God never gives more than I can carry.... I’ve got the full cable package...
And of course I’ve got addiction...
I have the one friend that because of history.... I am already saying goodbye....
I keep mental notes of the good times... so I can later read them...
But in a mind full of bottles one always spills...
Now most notes are a smear of ink on soggy Post- its.....
But the empties saved are gonna make me a rich man...
I like to think on the return slip the receipt will read.....
10002 mistakes…. 2502 lies….. 14 broken hearts….. 5000 lonely nights and 1 complete **** up....
And at the end it will say total refund..... 17518 regrets...
But i can never return my **** up........ “Here”.........
“Here” I can be happy at 80 dollars a night...
“Here” I only hate everyone....”
“Here” is my life.....
“Here” is where everyone around me thinks I’m happy...
I think when I finally get a chance…. I will go “there”.....
And i will send postcards to everyone and it will read.....
” I think i get it now..... I wish you were HERE”....

If Pain was a payment....
My bills would all be solved....
If Loneliness was my line of credit....
Then I would max it out for you....
If Sadness was a passport....
We would fly around the world.....
But i only have a coupon called Hope...
And it barely makes a difference on the payment of Life....
And all the I O U's from the bank of Trust...
Barely get me by...
I see the economy of Happiness an empire not worth investing...    Because no price is as low as the discount of Loss......
But i break my life savings kept in Piggy bank called Memories...
And I remember I saved just enough Love to get me thru......

"Everything will be just fine you just need some sleep"...
I haven't had a dream that wasn't a nightmare for a while....
I see every moment of happiness as a moment perfect for disappointment....
Smiles are only a way to conceal a pain that cannot be faced...
Every laugh is now an interruption long enough to delay my dispair....
The tender embraces and hugs just allow me to get out of view...
Nobody wants to see a strong person break but will always tell them "Be strong"...
Is strength an actual visible trait? or just a polite way to say "Dont cry"...
"Get Over it"... means hiding Under the disguise of a happy person...
No I don't... "Wanna talk about it" because the advice you can give is like a script I've already read...
When i say Im alright..... Its because it may be the only definition i have left...
And when i want to be alone...
Its only because I don't have the ability to fake another smile...
I can finally get over the strength it takes to not talk about it....
And the laughter you hear is the way I disguise my tears....
I hope i wake up from this sleep..
And all this was just a nightmare...
But i guess its another day to be Just fine....

I meant to tell you...
if love is just a word then your thought is just an idea
you cant exist in my mind... that's just crazy
your voice wont haunt me.... that's just fear
every brown haired beauty looks like you from a distance
yet they don't fool my heart.... its just an *****
but it wont play at the wedding I wish came true
so this is what became of me... I hope your happy
not with sarcasm but full truth
Sorry I was a liar
If you could see me now id be ashamed
you made me so strong and I only broke
They say your happy and a mom.......
sweetie my love I wasn't worthy
As long as your happy nothing can hurt me....
Like a lifetime of kisses I cashed in for one foolish night...
I can honestly admit you were only always right
Jesters laugh at my follies now
Tears of a clown now makes more sense
Like the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence...
If I never stood in front of you disbelieving your beauty
how I never told you how your touch shot right through me
your smile could stop any feeling of pain
a voice so perfect could always drive me insane??
I meant to....

If I could write the days into a memory i could forget....
than i could foreshadow the future I havent seen yet....
Id scribble down the worst of my life... But always sign the best...
Put my heart onto the paper and keep it out of my chest.....
But a stationary hero isnt the answer for my worded crimes....
Like the emotion cannot be beautiful grammar or rhymes......
A Fragile label cannot be placed on the package i deliver....
The damage is real like my poisoned liver....
I declare a proclamation of Houston we have a Problem....
I know my problems.... Words they wont solve them....
So Scribbled shaky pen stains on bar napkins became my bible.....
The pain was a memory not a selfish revival.....
If you can see yourself within my written pain.....
All I mean to say is " I wish I could See you Once Again"......

If it takes six people to carry my coffin....
Than I hope four people have nothing better to do that day...
A chance to be who I once was is not an option anymore...
Like my prayers are all put on hold over the hotline of hope...
All the angels now are tired of my sin...
The halo I once owned is pawned to finance my defiance...
Now i feel like the darkness i invited became a constant companion...
Like a cornered animal I will not be touched....
I can spew the worst parts of life from my body with a voice that refuses to be quiet....
But If i were to paint a picture of my heaven the only color i would need is black....
The words on my tombstone would be simple and clear...
Not loving Father.. Brother or Son....
Not Missed Remembered or Loved....
Simply Liar Addict And Disappointment...
Just a person who had three different names born 1984....
What will be the year after that number...
Gone to soon is like a beautiful way to say never should have been here...
Will I be a thought on anyones mind when im gone???
I hope not I dont want to be anyones burden when I leave....

I cant let you go.....
Intoxication and her....
Toxic tears bleed from tired eyes...
Sadness subdues my sobriety now...
Distraction always fuels my intoxication...
So let me let you go.....
Bottles hoard allow me to gauge your memory....
Dimentia prayers commit sins toward your beauty...
And shaky mornings remind me how hard I am...
Trying to let you go...

I can remember the shimmer of the hair in your eye...
As you wiped away the tear that said you were gone....
The heat of the sun on my neck as you turned your back...
When the heat was the last thing i recall when we were alone....
The slam of the car door was a final note in the song called  "You and Me"...
I cant be the only one who felt like forever was over...
Now its five years later and I am still writing about you...
Like a pen that has infinite ink.... A pencil that never dulls..
My words reach for you across the paper....
The tears fall on the page like a reminder that like us....
Every beautiful thing will be smeared and left imperfect...
Another letter lays on a floor full of days i cant forget....
Then I look around and every word is the life I remember....

Giving up on me like a bad investment may save the company you keep....
I'll accept my pink slip and empty my heart.....
The equity of our future somehow got repossessed....
Might be a joint venture in  an unstable economy of love....
The recession I feel almost instantly as I pawn emotion at the tavern...
But like I care my credit card of success always came back declined........

I imagined you as the softest thing i ever touched...
I seen the smile of an angel when you parted your lips...
Your eyes sparkle like a jewel not meant to find....
A sketch artist could not draw what I saw...
I heard the laugh I can only describe like music....
I cant define a tune and I love the mystery.....
You became a unsolved dillema i had to crack....
But I know that as long as I never crack the case...
The clues you leave will be the reason I will work...
A clue like a kiss is going to be analyzed and gone over again and again...
A piece of clothing left by my bed will always be a mystery to me...
I hope you know  the fingerprints I leave on your face...
Are just a prelude to an attempted hair sample...
But as i run my hands thru your hair.....
I knew my search was now over...
I found who you were in your stare...
I am now so in love with the mystery you are...
I dont need to ever figure it out...
I dont wanna understand your moves....
I will not ever be your tail....
I just will sit back and let you keep stealing my heart...

I looked up friend so I could better understand....
All they said lead me to pain....
I Began with looking for "A person other than a family member, spouse or lover whose company one enjoys and towards whom one feels affection"....
I came home with beer and a fish.....
I thought the next option was it for sure...
But it read..."A boyfriend or girlfriend"......
I called her up.... She said stay off the internet....
Well I guess it cant be wrong all the time... I read on....
Finally it said..."A person with whom one is vaguely or indirectly acquainted" .....
That was easy to do I barely know anyone since you...
That just made me sad.....
I read the final description... Oh finally a glimmer of hope...
This one would be easy to find....
It once again read..."A person who backs or supports something".....
I back and support the option of not using Wikipedia to find what your heart misses most.....
I closed my computer... Drank a beer.... missed you...
And watched my fish......

Simple syncerity and drawn out breaths seem like a welcome mat to your presence now.....
My guard that was built out of broken promises and painful goodbyes seems non existent in your arms...
I stare into your eyes and see a place I hope i can watch grow forever and touch your lips and inhale pure lust from your lips...
Like when I stare at the way your imperfections tie all your beauty marks across your back together like a perfect universe....
How when you laugh and tthe teeth you try to hidde escape from there false prison to light the world for a brief second....
Or how you dance and sing like a soul hell bent only to spread chaotic contagious happiness....
Or how I never heard anyone protect me while I sleep.... Or felt like a hero when I only held your hand ......
Each day is a priveledge to call you my love and each minute im able ill reassure your doubt.....
That even though we went seperate ways i prayed for the day I could show you what true love is all about ....
Love you more than words Babe......

Well I guess love doesnt  live here anymore....
But it left a note...
It said " I woke up scared and shaken...
I thought I was home I must have been mistaken....
And sometime between morning and night....
I awoke to you in horrible fight....
Your screams and voices are not what I recall.......
And Once I leave you will know you lost it all".......

How do i say the words...
Meant better for a song...
I know i cant sing....
But i know im not wrong...
"I want to tell the story of a love not meant to live...
Like it was a BROKEN promise never meant to give...
How all the best is memories that are best left unthought....
And all the " I Love You" gifts were never meant to be bought....
I cant say im sorry because i dont wanna lie...
I can say this with conviction... I dont care if you cry....
Ill leave in a heartbeat.... I cant be kept...
I hate the feeling that "Something" should be felt....
This was a Farce and always a lie to most....
So i guess as drinkers we should leave with a toast...
May hearts of sin never lock eyes...
May when you lose once you never give a hundred tries...
And the most important  toast and part...
May you never start a life that is now your entire heart"....

You bro some **** is better unsaid I won't let loose these words again till I'm dead...
Blood ain't water and no we don't have the same father.....
My life is better when my friend is my brother. ....
I'll protect your mom like she's my mother......
I'll stand at your side till clouds crash down
But I'm glad that you made me finally found....
Much love dog and a gangsta salute
But this shot too sappy shoot
This odd Dave man hit me back jus to chill
You'll listen bout Jim I'll listen bout bill

I cant write like Shane.....
Or rhyme like Marshall....
My words are mine and I take full responsibility....
The advice you percieve is not what im trying to convey...
I am the village idiot in a society of Shakespeares...
Like I need a soapbox to visualise my plight...
The purest form of me is better left on paper....
Because when it bled into life... Nobody understood...
My laughter is captured in a joke I write meant for no none....
I never said it was funny only that nonsense is what makes me happy...
The moments of fear are in shaky etchings on prison walls.....
Where the only people who ever read it are destined for the hell I endured...
My sadness is the napkin after a holiday meal...
When I can only say I miss you using the medium of condiments....
A love note scars my heart and I now see beauty as a plateau...
The forgiveness letter is the sadness echoing from the valley....
Wish-lists are no longer lies about money or fame...
My bucket list is now a rewritten mess of hopes...
I cant write a story because they all turn into pop ups of memories I cant face....
Choose the adventure and Find waldos are the closest thing to my section...
Writing is now been the way I can send my dreams to the editor...
If inspiration was my muse it was taken mid-sentance ...
But if sadness means you will listen...
Than I guess writing is the gift that I wish i could return....

Most days its just me against the world...
Most days All i ever get is a cold response...
A cold shoulder.. Your high again.......
A cold house... I can make it warm.....
A cold supper... It was my fault....
But most days everyone asks me for a little extra....
At most the only thing they want will cause my discomfort....
Most days I just agree...        
Because its the same as everyday....
I control an army that is mostly expendable.....
With soldiers called Sanity... Hope... Health.....
They mean nothing to no one....
But every night i nurse the wounds...
Of soldiers who only serve the needs of others.....
And the days they dont have to fight....
They are told not to talk too much...
To never say that they are tired...
That they too are something..
They belong to someone.....
No they are simply a disposable front line...
In a battle they must win for the love of their homeland.....
Oh home... They are forgetting that place...
Sometimes they hide in bars.....
Or in plain sight shellshocked from a continued battle....
Nobody cares its what they signed up for...
When they leave there is no longer a girl.... A family... No that is not the goal....
They are just in trenches against odds not in their favor....
Where the enemy is always getting new weapons.....
They learnt how to hide... To strike and hurt innocents....
After all collaterall damage is part of war.....
But as they look n there wake only burnt bridges that led to hope....
Crying children... Maybe they lost their goal..... Sometimes they shake from fatigue... Fear.....
Then its time to get a jolt from chemical not suited for them....
But its viewed as a want.... Never a need.....
I wish there was another way....
Sometimes a soldier goes AWOL...
The others stand in... A force of maniacs....
They just do what it takes to cover the ones who left....
With little care for anyone but themselves....
I dont control that army...
They call themselves Anger, Pain, sadness....
All under a warlord who neither cares or remembers....
He calls himself Addiction....
My army is able to fight them...
Even tho they are outgunned and wounded....
They are strong and run towards certain death.....
Holding pictures of a better time..
A picture of the woman they loved...
She is now only a memeory.....
A song.... A tune everyone tells them is offensive...
A belief.... That once they are victorious....
They might be taken serious....
And promoted from corporals... To seargeants.....
To lead a peaceful rebellion...
They no longer want war...
They want a truce with an enemy...
They only want to go home if only for a short leave....
To tell the people they love...
They are still here.. Please dont forget them....
But each time the shells fall silent... The cities no longer burn...
A crisis.... an atomic bomb brings them back into battle....
I feel sorry for them.....
My stories of motivation are now tales...
I wouldnt believe me either...
This was always my war....
They are just old friends now...
Gray and weak.. we no longer laugh or visit....
They just do what they have learnt to do.....
A good soldier never questions...
To die for their country is just a fate.....
I can only hope as each one dies...
I can hold them for at least a moment...
To thank them.....
To let them know i remember them....
How glorious they once were...
We thought we would own the world.....
Now each day im writing letters to memories....
Im soory to inform you..... They will be greatly missed....
I am sad these were great soldiers... But at least I know as they are killed....
It wont be long till I go.....
If I lose to the other force.... Heavan help everyone I care for.....
They will destroy them...
But another morning... Another battle....
Maybe today is the day...
When they get to go home... They get to feel loved to be cared for...
But i dust off their helmets and they head back out to battle.....
I dont have the heart to tell them...
I know we are gonna lose...
Its never been a war I believed they could win.....

Like people are rewarded in public for what the practiced by themselves for years...
Walk into life with the acceptance that it is not going to be given to you...
Quit making ******* excuses.... these are only you showcasing your faults....
GREATNESS is not earned like a paycheck.... merely allowed to escape from the fear that held it back.....
If failure makes you quit then to succeed at your craft never truly lived within....
Death is a part of life and to live never meant a lifetime a minute can be spent LIVING....
HOLD NO ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FAILURES BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER GIVE CREDIT TO ANYONE FOR YOUR SUCCESS.....
When standing on the path of greatness haters will only throw storms of "you cant" and "you wont" in your face.....
Brace yourself stand where you are...... You don't have to move forward but DONT move back.....
PAIN can and will be the greatest asset to your vision don't let it anchor you to mediocrity....
WHEN you finally die leave no room for regret I can only hope as I go only happy memories of independent growth flash before my eyes...
PASS it on there is never a cap for greatness it can live forever DO NOT let it die with you....
SUCCESS CANNOT BE MEASURED BY ANYONE BUT YOU IF YOU ARE TRYING TO SUCCEED FOR OTHERS YOU WILL FAIL....

Everything good goes "Away".....
I wish i knew where "Away" was.....  I know where i left my heart...
Is "Away" that one perfect girl?
With the imperfect smile...  That brought it back to only stunning..
Is "Away" that one house where you felt home?.....
Maybe its making love.... Not *******....
I hate that definition... Like when I told you " I ****** up"......
Or when you ****** my best friend......
The "Away" I can picture is your face under the stars..... With irragation sprinklers in the background......
A broken ankle.... And someone finally taking Care of ME.......
A birthday spent alone with you....
Do they let guys like me in?...... I hope not..
"Away" is a place that  you deserve because  I cant hurt you there....
I can say i never meant to hurt you.... But in retrospect.....
What else would be the outcome?.......
I hope "Away" is you happy....
"Away" is you being someones else's Far and Away.....
I hope you send me letters.... So I could send them back Unanswered..
Because you left me Here.... And I think "Away" Suits you much better...