eyes closed
    entering oblivion
        this is the only
                    time
                      i
           ­       don't want
                          to
escape

i want to love myself
but i don't know how
drifting in and out
     between the reality and my delusions
trying to search for that vigor
that will to be alive—
to be excited of the sunrise
and feel calm
     soaking under the afternoon sun
and love the changing hues
     of the skies at dusk
and wish the moon a good night
     never fearing the dreams to come
then adore the peeking light at dawn
     reflecting the days waiting to be lived

but then it's gone
all that's left was a monotonous black
accompanied by a crippling silence
followed by the surge of doubts
     storming down my confidence
     its lightning striking
as i look into the mirror
     staring at my silhouette
     with its pieces shattering one by one
just as how, piece by piece
     i slipped into the pit
freefalling
and finally losing
     the will i tried so hard to keep
leaving me with nothing
but a void

Fighting my demons are always hard
For they have the poet's mind
That lured me in their metaphors of
the taste of the sun
or the comfort of solitude

They pull me in between their lines of
Desperation and depression
As if basking in the sunlight will make it less empty

They tangle me in the swirl of the words
Embracing me with each broken thorn of a flower,
or every drizzle of the rain, or every blanket of snow
or the feel of the breeze
As if those imagery
will make it less painful;
Written in papyrus with the ink as thick as blood and teardrops on the footnotes
As if those drops can lessen the burden that clutches my chest

They envelope me with every space
in between their words
as if letting me breathe
but then they enter
cutting the peace in between letters
but never putting a period
to end this miserable excuse for a poem
they made me

It's all a hallucination
An endless illusion
for in the end
I'm still chained,
existing with this void inside
and with my demons
Eating the life out of me

Then suddenly pressing save
for all the world to see
without even really
saving me

Losing hope, losing faith
I think it’s because I hate to wait
I hate to wait to be better
so I just cower
in my own pitiful  silence
I just let myself get eaten by despondence
Get numbed by insecurities
Get beaten by realities
of the illusion I’m in
of how I’m consumed by sin
and I don’t know how
How to get out now.

People are trying to pull me
But it seems that my body
my mind, my soul, my entire being
no matter how they want
to go back to the light
go back to His light;
they just can’t.
They can’t because it is the unity
of myself that don’t agree
It is within me that they choose to not flee
It is within me and the evil
the devil inside that puts me in peril.

I’m losing hope and I’m losing my faith
I know how to wait
It’s just that I don’t know
If I’m still waiting
For something
Some sort of miracle that will save me
Bring me to pinnacle and tame me
then cleanse me and make me worthy
of His love again
even if it’s the last thing I’d do before my end.

Lifeless and lost
And it’s all because
I don’t know what to do
My mind is chaotic
My heart is confused
My spirit sympathetic
My soul is chagrined
My body all drained.
How to redeem myself?
Looking at the bible sitting in my shelf
All dusty and torn
Like my loss, it mourns.

Is it still possible
Will I still be able
to just come back
even if I lack
the passion and the fire
that once ignited my love
and the music of the lyre
of my heart and my faith
or will I just be a wraith
to a stranger soon
like a silhouette on the moon
waiting for my end
to where I’ll be sent
accepting my fate
without any hate
just ready to take my flight
and end me being lost in the light.

Save me, please
Drowning from this black sea
Monster clawing inside of me
Dominating my being
Pulling me in his realm
Void of light
Black in sight
There's nothing right
Always night
Where they lurk in the shadows
Disguised as mellow
Be scared when they bellow
Their voices billow
How am I supposed to stay?
I can't even make my way
Up where I'm safe
Up where I'm saved
Will you save me?
Please, I believe in Thee
I know you'll hear me
I'm pleading you
Save me, please

Blank space was left
Empty bowl was bereft
Occupied mind is what it was
Numb heart is what it has

Staring
Not thinking
Surviving
Not living

Surrendering
Everything
Surrendering
Nothing

Alive but dead
Covered in red
Slowly flowing
Losing everything

Gaining something
Hearing nothing
Beats gone
It's done

Such a relief
As the thief
Runaway with it
Never again you'll meet

Willingly
You let it be
Finally
You are free.

A white paper
Not a single letter
Lies in there
Lies you cover

Heart thumps
Foot stomps
Nervousness
Hide the mess

Truth in dark
Killed the spark
Hope is dead
Life ended

Secret
You kept
How long
You'll live wrong?

Empty, hollow, eerily silent;
That's what's inside,
And surprisingly,
It doesn't bother me.

It was:
     Comforting, like the
     Soft waves of the sea,
     Or the gentle breeze of the wind,
     Or the rays of the sun,
     Or even the dimness of the moon.
It touches what's within.
If there's any, that's it.

I'm feeling everything
     That I can't even feel anything
     That I can feel nothing
     Anymore.

How can someone feel so empty
With no particular reason at all?

How can someone cry
     When there's nothing to cry for---
     When there's literally nothing
     Like that someone
     Who is empty to begin with?

Shouldn't someone cry for
What existed and got lost
Not because something doesn't?
Not because of nothing?

Nothing feels RIGHT anymore.
NOTHING feels right anymore.

Empty, hollow, eerily silent;
That's what's inside,
Eating the life out of me,
wanting me to cease to exist,
Tearing me from I don't know what.

Is this something you should nurse?
     The pain for it to go away,
     Or for you to be immune with it,
     To be constantly reminded,
     That you're still alive,
     That you're still capable
     Of feeling just anything
     Even if it is painful.

Despite the nothingness
That shades your being,
Despite the tears that came after
That threatened to spill even after
You let them all out;
It just wouldn't stop, would it?
Like how this emptiness can't be filled?

The wind is lucky it has the trees
     That danced with it
     With the daisies swaying
     To the symphony of its existence.

The sun is lucky it has its light
     That shines day and night
     With its rays stretched proudly
     And its warmth embracing thee.

The moon is lucky it has the stars
     Giving company to lonely hearts
     Or longing gazes through the night
     Never minding the light years apart.

The water is lucky it has hydrogen
     And a dose of oxygen
     That it can breathe life
     Calming the storm I'm brewing.

The earth is lucky it has all these
     That made it important
     To everyone's existence
     That it's something
     One can't live
     Without.

When will I be lucky
     When I don't even know
     If I still have my soul;
     When the only thing I know
          Is that I'm becoming a shell
          With nothing inside,
          With a hollow inside,
          Like a huge chunk of me
          Was eaten by
          An endearing, savage, yet
          Eerily silent nothingness.

Empty, hollow, eerily silent;
     That's what's inside,
     But it doesn't matter
     Because people don't have the time
     To look past the soul;
     Only the outside---
     The shell of a being I once was.