I guess I feel threatened by your strength
I guess I feel threatened by your beauty
I build brick layers between us.

What is that?

She ushered me to that golden path of sacred
My hands seek but grasp not
But there is something there to be taken
Why the blinders?
Why the stammer?

I have never been so confused
‘Olobeouch,’ the Yapese say
A tangling predicament worth
Unraveling with a fine-tooth
Bamboo comb

What about awareness
Emotional terror both by day
And by night
The subtle insidious kind
Calm waves of sad

Inertia creeps

What is that?

How do I heal when--
(and thanks for putting words to it, Rudy):
When it feels like the arms of my
Clock have arthritis?

Ship wreck on the wrong shore

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My feelings for you have grown needlessly ornate
Yours for me, simple

Sullivan says:
Friendship is underrated
Because of its inherent
Ability to be so earthen
So organic
And, thus
Conceptualized
Less

So why have I built
Nonsensical negativity?
Self-sabotage

What is that?
I’m not that guy.

I told you:
“I want so much more of you than I need”
I didn’t know at the time that I got it twisted

Maybe:
I need you more than I want to admit

Love the one you’re with

I idealized, romanticized the **** out of you
Before I even came back

I shot myself
Big toe on rifle trigger

A nice distraction from more
Pressing issues?

What is that?

I thought I was alone
But you reminded me
I am not

I can’t tell you how much that means to me

Those words:
Struck match
In a dark room

I’ve not let anyone acknowledge or
Sympathize with my lingering ache
Much less help anyone understand it

What is that?
I’m not that guy
I’ve never been that guy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

­
I let news of:
Thousands killed by super typhoon
Refugee birth
******* hunter casualty
Child victim of AIDS
Remind me that my pain is small

Pretending that that news is
Good enough to build perspective
And deal with pain
When it isn’t

“We accept the love we think we deserve”
I guess I thought I didn’t deserve you
Thank you for reminding me that that is
Not Truth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~~

Ask me unprovoked questions
By the sea, under a tree
Whisper me stardust

Because one day I want to say:
Love me for the man I’ve become
Not the man I was

I touch the tip of your nose

i don't want to go there
ever again
I don't ever want to feel
that way...
because this time
it would be by choice
and I can't choose you.
you were curious
you were bored
very lonely
so you picked me
even though you knew
you couldn't hold me
long enough to let me feel you.
and maybe
you liked me
thought I was beautiful
and I even believe
you thought you loved me
...but really you just didn't want me to leave
to leave you lonely
and you didn't care
that coming back
didn't mean staying for you
...and that shattered me

all this time
I thought I was building up
to you

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body.  i like what it does,
i like its hows.  i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones,and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the,shocking fuzz
of your electric furr,and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh….And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

I'd love you like I love,
Summer,
And a warm breeze,
I'd love you the same way I love rusty old swings,

I'd love you like grass,
And  trees,
And love you like holding hands,
While we walk on the beach,
I'd love you like,
Entangled feet,
Under soft blankets,
With the tv casting shadows on your face,
While you laugh,
Oh God I would love to make you laugh,

I'd love you like thrift shops,
And old photographs,

I'd love you like summer nights,
On the roof,
Or in bed watching movies,

I'd love you like I always would,
Forever,
Never waver,
I'd love you like all these things,
Like warm coffee on cold fingers,
Or sunsets by the lake,

I'd love you day,
After day,

Like the ice skating rink,
I'd love you like, the song,
Temporary love,
By the brinks.

And I know I am young,
And you're miles away,
But there's a feeling here,
That's making me stay.

And I'd love you like this,
And i promise I would

Please let me darling,

I promise I could.

When I'm with you
I'm in a dream
From which
I cannot
Will not
Wake

When I'm with you
I barely remember a time
When I could not see
Our future

Because
I can see
The callusing of your palms
Two tear duct lashes
Summer then Fall

We aren't known for
A connection that
Calls for the movie magic
First kiss at my doorstep

But
who needs that
When my hand fits so
Precisely in your jacket
Pocket?

My face on your shoulder:
"I can feel your smile"

Wet eyes
Green eyes
Red lightening bolts
Across white
Can't disguise
A connection so
Right I can't help but
Smile and thank god
In the isle of a bookstore
Maybe

That I have found
My meant-to-be

The one I've chosen
And have been chosen by

Because
After all these years
My hands in your hands
Finally we're here

When I'm with you
I feel it is impossible
to ever feel alone again

Enmeshed legs
Arms
Chest to chest
Soul crunch

And it's not enough
To dissolve into you

Trying to figure out how
To consume even more

Short of Winifred Sanderson- ing
Your life force's electric
Blue blanket cloud
Through deliberate
Lip sips

A mellifluous whisper:
"How is this even possible"

Possible

Bible
Cigarette
31 candles
Death Certificate
Eulogy
Memorial Service Program
Obituary
May 2012 letter from Erin
Two crocodiles
African Coffee
A Crucifix
Crucifix
Avett Brothers

Jade's love
Rob's love (a Lion's love)

Ashes

You and your favorites

So:
Go Ahead
Chuck tonight's stardust
Through the screen door

I don't mind my freckle's
Illuminati

Confirm:
Scar tissue's
a weaker skin
seal, yes?

Your ashes in my hand
Beneath a bag of
Japanese sand

Same fate:
Ocean

A USPS
Worker slapped
the "Cremated Remains"
Sticker on the box of
You

$25 and 8,000 miles

You in a box

I lay you on
Bob Marley's
Freedom Song

Item by item
I cry

A scar tissue
tear
    and tears

I'll learn to dance with
A limp like
Anne Lamott does

I  still crave much more
Of you than I need

But:
Who knew palm fronds
Are lined in metal too?

Memories that
Don't fade    (illuminate)
Don't stale    (crisp)
Don't mold   (cleanse)

So
Attach a bag of dust
to a day dream's balloon

Send you off to my
fondest memories

To the sea
To the sea
To the sea

Maybe some day we will dance
Holding hands in disbelief
As tears of joy
flow from our eyes
While the field of flowers
will cheer in salute
Maybe our eternity
will come to an end
And our day will come
to begin . . . just maybe

Just maybe I hope
beyond my dreams