putting faith in another human being
creates in me a fear so vast and enduring
it's hard to fit it in one imperfect lifetime
trust distorted by the history of things
done to and by us in the name of love
creates a doubting monologue in my head
that manifests in unattractive neediness
a seemingly bottomless hunger
for the reassurance of your touch
I fervently covet
your singular devotion
show me you'll do anything
to silence this non-believer
with love so constant
and unreserved
I feel it
from the outside
in

i'm not half the man
that i pretend to be
don't look behind the curtain
to the left of me

that's where i hold control
of the things i do and say
to the hidden truth
that's far to much to give away

would you still hang with me
or would this relationship
come abruptly to an end

wouldn't it be easier
if i were just me
not somebody else  
that i pretend to be

if i don't like the fact
of who it is i am
i should change my tact
come up with a different plan

i think perhaps all of this
would be less of a mess
if the curtain to the left
i would open it

Written off as a label, condemned to live the wrong life
But wanting to go back and say sorry for what he's done.
Once he realizes there's no going back, that's he's doomed to hearing 'she'
It's enough to make him realize his debt was great
So great that it must last his whole life.

Even if he changes his body he'll always have scars
To pay for the ones he gave to girls
And to those that were different who he used to shame.

That fateful night when he stupidly wished
To come back as a girl, to run away from his problems.
He was an idiot, a liar and a cheat
And he deserved every punishment he got.

But now that he knows he can't escape, he can't hit rewind
He just wants to end the pain and he wants sympathy
But even if he got it, what would that do?
What if he's just sorry he was caught?

I beg you, please change me back
Please stop me from being such an ***
I repent from my thoughtless and ignorant remarks
Because this is the worst punishment of all!
To become the labels that bring pain and sorrow
To those I forced them on
And to realize that like them I can't wake up tomorrow
And see who I really am.

My body and life is a lie or some terrible dream
But I can feel it all happening, all tearing at me.
And not just how the body of someone else looks
But at the soul that is in fact me.

Get me out of this cage, make me feel unashamed
To be a man and to face my problems
And to truly repent for my mistakes
And be okay with who I now know myself to be.

I can barely look at her face anymore,
The girl who I wished to become lightly
I just want to be rid of every trace of her
And go back to being simple, better me.

10th April 2016

Her whole life has been a whirlwind of her own battles

To her mother her life is perfect

To her father she is nonexistent

To her brothers she is the forgotten

To her professors she's the failure

To her best friend she's a sweet girl and a fun time

To her cats she is caretaker and lover

But in the end all that matters is that...

To her she is flawed, she struggles, she's lost and confused, she lacks beauty, she is too big but doesn't wanna be small, she is fatherless, she is a **** survivor, hushed secrets, she is over sexualized, she is used, she is all too hopeful, she loves just too much, she is shattered, she struggles to hold on, she still fights the call of the blade, she is all flaws condensed into a single person, and she is starting to burst at the seams.

Cowgirl
Locked-up in the joint
Rough riding, when you could have been dancing
No stars to gaze at now
Nothing!

Let's just accept the fact
that I am not destined
to have the things they get
or live the lives they have
that their achievements
is not what I should aim for
that I should set my own realistic goal
that when the ripe age comes
I shall conquer the way I want
Also, I should remember that instagram
does not always show the full picture
that for even just a little,
there's a lie lurking there somewhere

Yankees, Reds and Red Sox
Royals, Rockies, Braves
Mariners and White Sox
Cardinals, Blue Jays
Angels, Orioles, Diamondbacks
Nationals and Twins
Tigers, Brewers, Pirates
Astros, Indians
Dodgers, Rangers, Mets and Cubs
Phillies and Padres
Giants, Marlins and the A's
Let's not forget those Devil Rays

I am the clown
In this town.

To where i am the center
Of their teasing
And jokes
As if they never see me
Frown.

All they see is my
Joker's hat,
That everything
They throw
At me
Never hurts.

I guess that's all i
Ever be...

Perhaps it's my fault
For letting them think
That way,
I never fight
A war between egos.

Silence and smiles
Are all i ever
Masked
Myself...