There is little here
in this sun-scaped city
to press a frown onto my face.
I feel free
I've lost ten pounds
my skin is smooth
I bought new fashionable clothes
and I laugh more than ever before,
and that is what people see,
will amber annex buster dani skyla rashid duane kiki chase adrianna
all these new people
who laugh at my funny name
only see this happy smiling girl
who is kind and quick to help
and make jokes
and dance
and offer advice
and yet despite the freedom I feel
it comes with equal parts guilt.
have I ever smiled so much before?
The me people meet now is so new to me
it feels like a lie
it's nice of you to ask me on a date
but how could I tell you the horrors of my past?
with all this smiling
you'd never believe the years of frowns and tears
no one would think to look for the lines where you can see my burn scars
they wouldn't look at my differently
when I trace old bruises
they don't think
to be careful when touching me
they don't have a clue
and it's all I've ever wanted
to have people think nothing is wrong
for me to be like the other girls,
but now that that's what people see,
my smiles though real
make me feel like I'm lying to everyone around me.

yesterday I met
a boy who was blonde- and had
eyes blue as the sea

he talked with me for
fifty minutes and
I don't remember a word



because all I ever saw in him was you

lost in your eyes
blue like the skies

constantly
f
  a
     l
       l
         i
            n
               g
for you

on restless nights all the lonely souls come out to play

they relive the memories

lines blur, details fade, people change, but one thing always remains

the lonely souls stay longing, craving, hoping, wanting, wishing for that it to come back

wishing for their other half to enter their life again

to tell me that they were wrong, and he missed me as I did him

that's what we do on restless nights

we wait for the people that will never return

the memories that stay in the past

the love that has disappeared

once I went sailing with a boy
and his eyes were as blue as the sea

I fell hard for him

but he stayed on the boat as I fell into the water
and I drowned waiting for him to catch me

drowned

but he never came

its** not that bad, the heartbreak will go away

all you have to do is find someone else
                 ...then you'll forget the pain.

lies they tell you to make it less painful.


The lies don't work.  It's hard to believe it ever gets better.

three years ago, I hesitantly explored the blue oceans of your eyes and discovered what it felt like to feel loved. you healed a broken girl- picked up the pieces and put me back together, leaving bits of you as you worked.

two years ago, you took my healed and happy heart on top of the ferris wheel and promised to never give up on us. we spent that year running around the fields, kissing in the snow and under the rain, and imagining our future.

one year ago, we were laughing under the stars in that field, loving each other madly, and enjoying what I didn't know would become our lasts.

today, you are somewhere happy ( I assume), and I am here.
tonight, I will drown in the memory of those blue eyes I fell for three years ago.
tomorrow, it will **** me, and my exhaustion of this pain will let it-


because loving you was the best thing I ever knew, but apparently I was not for you.

I hope you fall in love with someone who always texts back, and never lets you fall asleep upset. I hope she holds your hand and isn't afraid to reach for it first. I hope she doesn't get as frightened and angry in scary movies as I did, but I hope that she has a subtler and sweeter way of being scared. I hope she loves chocolate as much as you, so you don't have to sacrifice anything you love for her.  I hope she is never afraid to ask you to dance with her. I hope she tickles you when you're sad. I hope she makes you smile on bad days, and appreciates you on the good days, too. I hope she isn't indecisive or stubborn, but rather that she is confident and gentle. I hope you fall for someone who kisses you under waterfalls, plays with you in the rain, wrestles with you in the snow, and cuddles with you by the fireplace when it is cold.

But beyond that, I hope you fall for a girl who will never take you for granted or allow for you to stay angry. I hope she is someone who will stand by you when you are right, and still listen and care when you are absolutely wrong. I hope she is able to see you at your worst and love you still. I hope she can see the beautiful oceans in your blue eyes, and the galaxies in each of your heart beats. I hope she hears music in the way you speak.

I hope she means everything to you, because you mean everything to me.

I loved you by the way you squinted when you sang really loud in the yellow car. I loved you by the way you looked into my eyes as if to say, "I get it. I'm here for you. I love you too." I loved you by the way you kissed my forehead. I loved you by the way you loved me- especially when I couldn't correctly tell you how I felt, but you knew what I meant anyways. I loved you by the way you kissed me under the waterfall, and in the rain, and in the snow, and in the burning sun. I loved you.

You hurt me by the way you looked away when I began to cry. You hurt me by the way you lied. You hurt me when you ignored me. You hurt me when you asked me to move on- time and time again. You hurt me when you told me one more kiss wouldn't hurt anything. You hurt me every time you said you had to go. You hurt me when you could never tell me why. You hurt me.

I love you because whenever I picture happiness, you are it. I love you because you never gave up on us before, and now it is my turn. I love you because you are my rock. I love you because you are my person. I love you because you still love me, even though you are trying to stop. I love you- because even despite you breaking my heart, I am willing to start all over with you.

Your eyes.
Your laugh.
Your smile.
Oh, how I miss it all!

Is it selfish-
     to want you all to myself?
Even if you were never truly mine... but I was *always yours?

I long for something new.

I want so much to no longer *long for you.

as I slammed the door behind me, you began to drive away- "You promised yourself 30 seconds of courage." my brain whispered to my heart.

I froze for what felt like forever, but could not have been longer than a fraction of a second before I sprinted out the door yelling, "Wait!" as your yellow car came halting to a stop, "Just once more," I thought, as my heart began to drop-

"Here is my 30 seconds," I said. "Love is patient." 1 second passed on the clock. "Love is kind." 2 to follow what's true. "Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude." I whispered, 3 seconds more- out the door. "It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged." I recited quietly, realizing my courage was fading as tears streamed down my face violently. "It does not rejoice in injustice, but rather it rejoices when the truth wins."

His eyes began to water as I recited these words we had held onto once more, and louder for good measure, not realizing before how much more it meant then than before, " Love never gives up. Love never loses faith. Love is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love never fails..." I finished, realizing my thirty seconds was up, as I began to fall to the floor-I finished off with silent tears as he held me tightly in his arms and I whispered into his ear, "Three things will last forever: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love." 30 seconds- up.

What happened after, I am not sure of. I only know that "when I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away such childish things." I now hold onto the patience I am called to have, hoping and praying for an answer he may never be able to give.

Love is patient. I think as I count slowly to ten, wiping away the heartbreak and pain of a lost romance.

Love is kind. I recite as I remember the way he softly loved me that cool night in the field.

You drove away that day confused and crying, though I am not sure why, since you called it all off. All I know is that I carry those words around with me whenever I think of you- love is patient and kind. I must be these things, in order to love correctly- in order to show His love correctly.

I'm still waiting, patiently, and praying deliberately, for you to stay- for you to just give us *one more chance.

"It is no longer a question of "Should I stay?" ...but rather, "When should I go?"

For, you see, I no longer crave your attention the way I used to. Nor have you craved mine.

I see they way your eyes glance at me, when you believe I'm no longer looking- eyes with a sharp pain that acknowledges that yes, we have both changed.

And it wasn't when you said, "I want the old you back" that I first realized it- we, had faded away, but rather the first time I caught myself with my eyes open during our kiss.... the first time I said an empty "I love you too."

For I was always taught to be truthful, but in the moment, the lie was so natural, so convenient, that I didn't want to ruin the memories of a perfect something.

How had I not seen this coming?
When should I go?
How could I ever leave this?

These are all questions that will ruin me."

I was going through my drafts when I found this from February of this past year. Isn't it ironic how the tables have turned? Because February turned into August, and now I am begging you to stay as you tell me you have to go-- that you want to leave me.  

And now I'm sitting here wondering how I could have ever written that I couldn't have loved this man, but according to the February me, I was preparing myself for this fall all along.

My heart is hurting since he told me he has not felt anything for a long time. And, apparently, neither had I.