How does it feel
To be the favorite?
Being someone's first thought
Loved even with mistakes

How does it feel
To be chosen?
To hold her
Without being pushed away

How does it feel
To be a person?
To be appreciated
Not regarded as mere imperfections

How does it feel
To be whole again?
Not feeling the dull pain
Caused by absence

How does it feel
To be loved?
Finding the sunlight in the eternal darkness
That I've grown used to

How does it feel
To be happy?
Waking up smiling
And being grateful for tomorrow

How does it feel
To be alive?
Not hollowed out
By the reasons that I thought I lived for

*How does it feel?

Someone asked me
About how old I am today

He proceeded to tell me
That next year I'll be a year older

I supressed the tears
And gave a pretentious laugh

I couldn't imagine next year
Being alive for another year

I've written and scratched off
thousands of words that
I used to describe you,
Yet I'm still left with a blank page.
What am I to do with this?
I've written so much about you;
Every thoughts I have
Is a silent scream
That terrifies me to let out.
This blank page you left me
Leaves me thinking this lonely night,
So silent and calm that even in this darkness
I can hear that silent scream, **"I LOVE YOU."

I am the useless child,
Who can't seem to do
Anything right,
Whose actions are never
What you expect them to be

I am the selfish child,
Who's ignorant and insensitive
Who only cares about herself
Who makes you wonder
"Why are you alive?"

I am the unwanted child,
Who has no place to go
Abandoned for being friends
With the monster
They call "Depression".

I am a child,
Who constantly disappoint you
Who made you ask questions
"What did I do to have you as a daughter?"
Whom you can't accept for being imperfect.

I am your child,
And I've grown tired wanting to be loved
Maybe I'll find where I belong
Somewhere far from here
Maybe it's in the paradise they call "Death".

I made myself believe,
Believe that I was jealous
Of her being with you.

Maybe that wasn't it
I was jealous
But not of her being with you

I envied her for being her.
Pretty girl with the beautiful smile
Thin and smart, something I'll never be.

I guess the truth is,
I envy her for being the girl
I will never be.

I long to retire
Into the Woods that you once feared
The woods--they claimed to be filled with danger
"My dear, once you enter the Woods, it'll never leave you"

I long for the Woods
That seems to be my only companion
Where the roots cling to you slowly, pulling you towards it
Never letting you go, always with you

I long for peace
In the Woods that controlled my being
Held my arms and feet to its whim--
A puppet of a tired soul

I am alone in the Woods
I screamed for help in futile attempt, fully-knowing
That no one can salvage me
This is the Woods they warned you about.

You made my words crumble in front of me,
The way buildings would after an earthquake
I was afraid of the mess I would make,
So I tried to catch their residue in my hands

It's always a word, a slip up
That creates a mess
It just happens that my slip up,
Was the moment I uttered "I love you."

Then there it was --- the aftershock.
It felt as if I was trying to get out of a quicksand.
Grasping for the rope to save myself, but your words
Felt like the quicksand, dragging me down.

You are still my favorite memory,
Bringing me smile during the most unusual times.
But that smile fades as if washed away by the rain.
I'm afraid your memories are fading, turning pitch black.

The word "love" left a bittersweet taste in my mouth;
Twisting my tongue into knots yet filling me with emotions,
Emotions that urged me to give the best for you,
Even if it means to let you go.

You were the antibiotics I took as a child,
The aftertaste that lasted for years.
You are my first poem,
But I refuse to let you be my last.

You were the medicine I needed to take
I still remember your bittersweet aftertaste
It was too good, too effective.
It made me hallucinate that it was possible
for you to be with me.

Sometimes, when I lay at night,
I take a few extra pills
to remember how you felt on me.

I'll be gone soon. Maybe not to end this life, but be somewhere far. Away from you -- somewhere I'll feel safe. A place filled with serenity. A place I can consider safe. A place far from you.

Maybe this is running. At this point, I think running is better than staying in a place that's self-destructive to me. A place where I'm continuously reminded that I'm a horrible person. This is what they called 'home', but it never felt like that.

I've been taught that home is safety; it's family. I've never realized that this word is so foreign to me until now. I've never felt like I belong. I know I'm the outsider -- the intruder. I was the person that shouldn't be here. How is it possible not to feel safe with the people that supposed to be your family?