you might not remember me the way I would've wanted you to, but at least I'll find peace in knowing that I'll someday be forgotten completely.

day 1
as someone who forgot how to love and wanted nothing to do with commitment, you made me question my feelings constantly whenever i was around you.

unknowingly, i was bringing myself closer to you and you made it so hard for me to stay away.

what seemed to be a fling, became a thing.
a thing where i could actually see go far and that scared me.
i didn't want to break myself again but was i ready to risk it all for you?

i was and i did.

that night, i remember tears streaming down my face.
tears that clearly explained my love for you through the vulnerability displayed.
it was there and then, i saw you risking it all -

by loving me back.


day 765
as someone who is so comfortable with your love and used to having you here, you're making me question my feelings constantly whenever you are not around.

knowingly, we are slowly drifting apart and you are making it so hard for me to stay with you.

what seemed to be forever, is almost coming to an end.
an end where i never saw coming and it scared me.
i didn't want to break myself again so why did i risked it all for you?

because i love you.

tonight, with tears streaming down my face.
tears that clearly explained my love for you through the vulnerability displayed.
it was right now that i realized,

you don't feel the same anymore.

to me,
love was always a mystery to me. i never truly understood what it was.
though, i like to think that i did and sadly, i thought everyone else knew what it was too but just like me, it was a mystery.

as someone who grew up without knowing what it truly meant,
i always thought it was something you can look for again after it's gone, something that will make you feel better on your bad days, something that will complete you.

i have loved so many times, or so i think i have.

but honestly, aren't we just a bunch of people throwing around the word love thinking that we know what it means? unintentionally making someone else feel special, not knowing what the consequences of using the word love really are?

now that i am older,
i think i finally understand.

that love is something no one can ever talk about without mentioning how much it actually hurts. loving someone meant truly wanting them in every way possible. most of us cannot handle how imperfect a person may be, and we will try our best to change them because "we only want the best for them." love is not finding perfection in someone's imperfection, but instead it is accepting the imperfections in someone and learning to love it as well.

i know i still can't tell you what love really means but i have found someone who helped me understand what love might be.

i loved every bit and piece of him, i loved everything about him. all his flaws, his appearance, his heart, his personality, his tantrums, the way he talks over me when he gets excited, how he tries to see eye to eye with me even when we have completely different point of views, **** i loved everything. everything that i never thought i'd like, i did anyway. i didn't only want him, i needed him. he did not complete me, but we go so well together. i never wanted to change anything about him even though i wanted to see them do better. i was willing to go through it all with him, good or bad.

is this what love really is? the fact that you know someone's bad side and you still love them anyways?

you see, no matter who i meet in my life and maybe, just maybe i might love them but i will still be able to pinpoint their flaws and maybe those are the things i won't like about them or the things i wish to change about them no matter how much i love them because i am selfish.

but with him, it's different because i loved it all. i still do. i never wish to change anything about him because that wouldn't be the person i love anymore and that's just something i can never do with anyone else, i can't love someone else like this.

he taught me how to be patient, kind and accepting.
but most importantly, he taught me how to love.
sadly, this love is only meant for him and no one else because love is not meant to be thrown around like how we did to others before we have met each other.

i guess your last lesson was teaching me that love also means wanting to see someone obtain the bigger and better things even if it means doing so without you.

i can finally say this to someone and mean it,
i will always love you, no matter what you do, where you go and who you meet in life.

thank you, my love.

i think i have finally understood the concept of moving on for people like me, for people who have a heart like me and also for the ones who love the same way i do.

you see, when you end up loving someone the same way i love - you can never really get over them even when it's over.
when you've integrated someone into your life, making them a part of your life, it stays. they don't just leave your life like that, even when they're already gone.
when you've made someone one of your main sources of happiness and when they stop becoming so - sure, they're just one of your main sources of happiness but just like wifi, full signal is always better than half even though it still works, right?

moving on is never being able to completely look at someone and feel nothing even when you've shared a past together. it's about accepting the fact that you'll never ever have a chance with them ever again, no matter how much you want them. it's crying at night because you can't turn back time to fix things or to feel how much they once loved you. it's seeing them happy with someone new and softly whispering, "if you're happy, then i'm happy too." it's constantly torturing yourself with wishful thinking and hopelessly dreaming about another chance, for them to reconsider their choices of leaving you but feeling suffocated because you know, hope isn't even an option anymore - it's just pointless wishing. it's about understanding that you will never really understand why things didn't work out. it's about putting their well-being and happiness before yours because you know that if yours were prioritized, or even cared about, they wouldn't be as happy as they are today without you. it's about looking forward to go to bed because you can finally see them in your dreams but not being able to fall asleep because the thoughts of the past are flooding your mind like a tsunami.

i could go on for days, but i think you get it.
i think you understand that moving on does not mean you don't love them or care about them anymore, but it means you love and care about them enough to let them be because if leaving you is what makes them happy, so be it. even though it hurts.

so even if i have moved on from you,
(here i go again with the wishful thinking but)
if one day you decide to come back,
please know that i will always welcome you back with open arms and i will whisper, "i have been waiting for you."

i'll never forget the universe i saw in your eyes,
the look which sparked a flame inside of me,
a flame that no else could spark up,
not even with a million tries.

you will always mean the world to me,
my love for you,
will always be a secret held by the sea,
because i've stopped leaving clues.

even so;

don't you dare forget the nights we've spent,
i'm craving for your scent,
i'm still addicted to your smile,
but your number is something i've lost the courage to dial.

used to get drunk with you,
now i get drunk on you,
tried to escape you by getting intoxicated,
but missing you became ten times worse and i guess it's fated.

it's my fate; for everyone will eventually leave me,
for everyone will eventually get tired of me,
for i am not worthy enough and only loneliness will be there for me.


"you are my shooting star wish", he said.
was i really?
maybe we've completely misunderstood what shooting stars are.
maybe shooting stars are just the cigarettes angels throw away before god could catch them smoking.

i'm starting to think that's what i really was.
maybe i am your shooting star.
maybe i was just a cigarette that you were done smoking so you threw me away before you caught on fire.

there you were, lying right next to me. our bodies entangled with each other, fingers intertwined, legs wrapped around each other - it was almost as if our souls were about to become one. i lie awake, staring right next to me where you were - perfection, yes perfection, perfection is all i see right now. your tired eyes gently shut, eyelashes that looked like a butterfly's fragile wing, the bridge of your nose constructed so perfectly, your cheeks that were tinted pink, i wanted to run my fingers through all the edges of your faces, just to make sure that you were real and this is not another one of those daydreams i've been having for so long now, that this is really happening, that you, my dreams, yes, you are my dreams, that this is reality. "what did i do to get myself so lucky?" i wondered. there you were, such a divine creation of god, accompanied by a wonderful melody that consisted of the rise and sighs of your breath, a melody that made me feel blessed for you, my love, existed. before this, i was in love with the idea of you. the thought of you that kept running through my mind whether i was alone or not, i was so in love and infatuated by you, just by you existing in my mind. it was hard to believe that something as simple as your existence can make me so happy. i had no control over how you were multiplying the butterflies that were now flying viciously inside of me, how you make my veins pump with adrenaline, how you make my heart play a mean bass drum whenever you're around. home was now your arms, and my heart was now yours, but the best part was that you were mine, now and what feels like forever. there you were, lying right next to me, gently inhaling and exhaling. i can't help but plant a kiss on your pink tinted cheeks and bury my face in your chest, and under my breath i say, "oh god, i'm so in love with you."

a paradox. the perfect word to use to describe myself.

i am lazy, but i am ambitious. i wish to be happy in life, but my mind is always clouded with the saddest thoughts. i crave for attention but when attained, i tend to push away whoever who's giving it to me. i don't really like myself but i love what i've become. i will constantly tell you i don't give a **** about you but i honestly really do care about you. i want to love and at the same time i don't want to - it's my greatest fear, yet craving. i find it tiring to not be loved, but exhausting to love. i am tired but fused with energy. i don't even understand how any of this works. i am a conflicted contradiction.

like i said, you just have to understand that i am really hard to understand and -
if i can't figure myself out then,


nobody can.