Cherisse May

Cherisse May Oct 2018

loneliness is emptiness
filled to the brim with nothingness,
a lack of sufficient funding
to pay for my actual thinking.

breathing is a waste of time,
when nothing will ever go right;
a cacophony of everything,
and nothing, all at once.

i can't pay for mental therapy sessions, so i ended up on this site.

making poems, a band-aid solution to a gaping hole depression caused, instead of finding a better option.

i really can't pay for a visit to the doctor.

besides, i can't even open up to you; you hate inconveniences and my depression is one of the many inconveniences you encounter.

and besides, you don't owe me anything; it's just right that you've always been detached from our friendship since day one.

#sad #lonely #friend #breathing #empty

Cherisse May Oct 2018

you, but not quite.

you're a photograph,
grayed out and dissolved by time,
washed away by an ocean of tears;
you're a photograph no longer occupying my album called my heart.

the emptiness is not cause by you; rather, the absence of you.

i'm coming into terms with my own loneliness, and it seems like i'll never fully get over this horrible feeling.

rest assured, i've finally moved on.

#you #photograph #picture #album #move #on

Cherisse May Oct 2018

falling, crashing.

i'm deathly afraid
of falling, gravity embracing me,
and continuously feeling adrenaline
coursing through my veins.

i'm deathly afraid
of falling, crashing hard,
my feelings all placed in one bet,
risking it all as i keep falling.

i'm deathly afraid
of heights, the wind blowing,
my legs shaking, my body unsteady,
the ground seemingly a thousand miles below.

but what if
i jump off
to, as they say,
'conquer my fears'?

i'm falling, crashing, and i'm not quite sure where i'm landing.

my poems have lost the feeling i once used to pour out.

now all i have is my self, and it's getting too hard.

#falling #heights #crashing #wind #fear

Cherisse May Oct 2018

i can't think of a title so i'll settle with this.

there's too many happenings lately;
it almost feels like
a floodgate breaking due to unseen circumstances,
the water gushing out, roaring, filling the silence with its cries.

it's as if everything feels like
an overwhelming amount of an odd concoction
of what seems to be problems,
diluted only by what i can assume is my sanity.

it's as if i'm drowning, my legs pulled deeper and deeper
underwater, everything and nothing all at once,
trying to fill my lungs until I choke;
there's too much of the world that i cannot simply take in.

and yet, look at me;
the feeling of drowning, the feeling of hopelessness
paralyzes me, fear drilling itself into my mind,
as it advances far into numerous possibilities i can only describe as overthinking.

i describe my own anxiety really badly.

but i do feel bad for being paralyzed in bed, because my undiagnosed anxiety and depression has been pretty bad lately.

I get called lazy when I'm paralyzed with my thoughts. I don't even know anymore. I can't even talk to my own friend anymore.

#sad #paralyzed #fear #anxiety #worry #overthinking #drowning

Cherisse May Oct 2018

instead of coffee, it's milk.

instead of the late afternoon sepia,
darkness fills my window,
with bits and pieces of scattered light from outside
trying to come in this late at night.

instead of the warm oranges and reds
trying to envelope me in its embrace,
it's the black sky, littered with glittering stars
and soon, as the morning comes, blue washed skies.

instead of afternoons with friends, it's late nights
talking to myself, alone;
being alone isn't a bad thing, but I've been
so used to being alone that I've had too much time to overthink.

instead of coffee, it's milk.
I can't force myself to stay awake via caffeine;
wouldn't milk help me sleep?
but I can't sleep, and now I'm plagued with these horrible thoughts.

11:53 pm. I said I wanted to try not being depressed but it flowed out of me unconsciously, like paint, spilled.

I'm trying to not **** myself. I promise. I've been trying so hard.

#coffee #milk #sad #poem #metaphor #lonely #depressed

Cherisse May Oct 2018

sleep.

let's lose sleep
thinking about how hungry we are, craving for each other,
hands rushing towards each other like waves,
greedily filling each other's void, fingers intertwined.

let's lose sleep over
thinking about the endless possibilities,
the world, even; almost anything, really,
as we lay there, the silence engulfing us.

let's lose sleep over
feeling the cold breeze of the night,
a tint of alcohol and blush on your rose dusted cheeks,
as we struggle to feel each other's warmth and heat.

let's lose sleep over
the fact that
this will only happen
in my dreams.

another day of me being fragile.

get out of my head; you're making me think about you quite often now.

#soft #you #emotion #feeling #sleep #lose

Cherisse May Sep 2018

do I finally like you?

After several instances
of your arm accidentally brushing
against mine,
can I assume I finally like you?

Can I finally say that
you make my heart pump blood
faster than when I
go to the gym and workout?

Can I finally say that
you lift my mood up, as high as the heavens,
and make me write poems
as sweet as artificial sugar?

Can I finally say I like you
even when you don't like me too?

I am cringing but hey, look. a happy poem on top of all my depressed poems.

You make me write happy poems when I never got the courage to before.

#you #crush #like #feeling #finally