I breathe in the stars through my nose
Cough up the dust
With leftover light in my lungs.

Breathing in the night and his moon,
Galaxies in my chest.
I have dreams that are tossing and turning,
never set to rest.

I will always burn and flicker here
Among my common friends.
Laying under my blanket we call the night
Until my glow finally ends.

There are people who become my drug
And continuously I find myself with detox after detox.
The fatigue, the shakes, chills,
And anger.
A desperate need to go back,
The fever, night sweats, and endless vomiting again and again.

No one understands I'm a recovering addict
Who always finds a new drug in someone.
Please don't stick around
If you can't stay and be loved.
It never ends
and I fear it never will.
Not
Until I learn control
Or overdose so my heart will stop.

I'm angry
At the lack of difficulty
It takes others to show another human being,
Stranger or not,
Love and respect.

If I could dissipate and slip into the very existence with the High Power
Then I'd leave this world exactly where it is.

The people who live on this planet are like children trying to figure out how to share and how to stop throwing temper tantrums.

I have the seed of all things
that has spread it's roots so deeply,
branched throughout my entire bloodstream.
Love has grown this soul tree.

Others just haven't figured out how to love.
They don't know how to grow.
Even if they grew from their seed pit,
I doubt they'd have learned how to show it.

I can feel you in the air today.

The silence blows through the rifts in my heart.

A gorge eroded from the ache
Of emptiness.

I envy the stars and moon
Because everyone admires them.

Humans have a pull
and keep them company.
I must admit I do too,
But
Why am I
Just the wind during the night
You barely recognize?

Being forced into my mind
And into my body
And into my heart
Is an excruciating prison for someone
Who grew up living
As an escape artist.

I used everything I had control over
At the time and the only thing
I had was my mind.

So every morning until the night
I'd let my mind and soul
Take flight
To cope with the monsters
I had to fight.

Dreaming in my wake
And in my sleep
Hoping that, by morning,
I wake
Somewhere safe.

You ruined my life.
My every waking day
Shattered by yelling
And the constant verbal abuse.

Nothing satisfied you.

Now nothing satisfies me.

I've run in every direction.
My daydreams tried to take me
But you wouldn't set me free,
You couldn't just be kind
And happy.

So I turned to alcohol until
It burned my insides that I realized
That it isn't fun anymore.
It's just poison and I'm useless,
Mindless on the floor.

So I chose to smoke some ****
Hoping it'd get rid of the
****** memories.
And it did..
For a while.
And now it's not the same
Because all it brings is numbness
No longer a smile and heightens the pain.

Now I'm stuck here.
Aware.
In my body and in my mind
And weirdly enough
The real world feels more fake
Than my dreams ever did.

Forever ******* miserable
Because I have a damaged inner kid.

God, I hate the way my coffee turns cold in such a short amount of time,
Before I've even gotten close to finishing the cup.

It just reminds me how warmth fades.

It fades
           and fades
                              and fades...

It's like every creative bone
In my body has cracked and dried.

Artist's osteoporosis.

Turning into hollowed shells
And even typing this now
Feels dead and empty.
As if pointless
Because there is no heart.

I crash all too often
With no idea how to get back up.

I'm tired.
So soul tired that nothing ******* matters.
Yet it's funny to me the way my anxiety reminds me constantly
Of everything I'm terrified to lose.

It's like I can never win with you
Brain.

It's always a lose-lose
And the positive affirmations always feels
Like drinking medicine.

Sickly sweet and a fake *** remedy.

Hot creaminess
And
Cold wilderness
Is all I'll ever need

When I see the leaves twirling and dancing along the streets
I can feel my spirit open this car door and spin on the wind with them.

Is there a line that we all draw ourselves somewhere in the sands of time?
Marking the point in your life where, 'just beyond this, is crazy'?

Do you play with yours too?
Balancing, tip-toeing, peeking, backing up and
Running to the edge right before you
Catch yourself on the tip of your toe, to turn around and keep looking down.

The big jump.

Do we all wonder and ask ourselves?

What if?

What if I just did it?
What if I just did the THING?

The scarier thing for me is being stuck, sandwiched on the tightrope between just ******* jumping and never jumping at all.

Always wondering.
Always daydreaming.

Living,
Breathing,
Walking
Regret.

Sometimes I wish they knew how badly it hurts
When life's circumstances
Have ripped off your wings
And crushed your desires
To even try to fly.

Knowing death is inevitable
Is fine
Until I looked at you and thought,

*This life will one day lead
to a goodbye with an unknown
destination.

I can't wait to shove hot knives down your throats after all the times you made me swallow hot truths that even my tongue didn't want to have to spew but you cowards could never.

So who will stand for justice if not me?

I won't apologize for my skewed ways
Of execution either,
Because its your fault im twisted baby,
Let's play five finger filet,
Whats wrong?
Don't you trust me?

The lies abound.

The hatred is so heavy.

The agony is unbearable.

The weight of crushing loss and pain.

Mouths and hearts
Silenced for too long.

Beauty lost in corruption.

Hot tears stream down the faces
Of the slaves of the system nationwide.

"Let go.. let go.. let go.."
I whisper to them.

Love in the fellowship of same blood.

Is there no way
To love our fellow man?

Is there no way
To love?

Forgiveness.
Forgiveness,
Will be our salvation.

Maybe there should be a different word for forgiveness because there are two kinds.

There is the forgiveness that we all automatically think of when we hear that word.

The kind where when they apologize and you feel the betrayal and pain come crashing down, collapsing on top of you all at once. Your world falling apart, or maybe just the walls of defense but as they begin to crumble, you can hear their, "I'm sorry," echoing through the back of your mind as you let the pain wash over you.
With each wave that comes you begin to bathe them in the cleansing waters too.
Your pain transmuting through a hug and three little words and you can feel it all wrap around you both like a big warm hug and you just...
Let go.

Then there's the kind of forgiveness that happens with boundaries.
This kind gets you stuck in your anger because more than likely the other person isn't going to come to you at their knees and try to show you they wanna make it better.
Or maybe, they just plain have run out of chances and your good graces wore thin but this kind of forgiveness will bring you to your own knees.
Begging for reprieve from the knives that have been stabbed into back. You just wish it was the person who put it there to give it but it won't be them.
It'll be you.

And you don't ever really "forgive" someone when you've finally removed THEIR knife the way you do when someone takes accountability for their half of the pain.

The other half of forgiveness is painful and lonely.

But you do it for you.
Just like they did it all for them.

You don't get a loving hug.
You get rug burnt, bleeding, hot trembling hands as you finally let go of the weight that was slowly about to drag you off the cliff from holding on.

But the minute you let go you find relief as the cool wind lightly kisses your callouses.

So you let it go.

Let go.

Sometimes you get so good at forgiving
That boundaries start to blur
Until they disappear completely.

Eventually you lose sight
Of what's allowable.

Eventually you forgive so easily
That it softens us to even the most
Vicious attacks.

And red flag.. after red flag..
After red flag
We can't even see them
They **** by so fast
Cause somewhere along the way
We forgot that red means stop.

Red means pause
And think.

I'm sure you think to yourself,
How can giving be bad?

It's only bad because we have given
So much of ourselves that all
That is left is bones.

We died to save you
But you would never have
Bled a drop for us
.
.
.

I don't know what it is about me,
I must look like a wild animal,
Because these men think they can tame me.

I am not a fire you need to put out.
I am not the mustang you need to corral.
I can't be ridden, I can't be roped in.

Love me free or let me be.

Maybe we cry sometimes

to be able to see with fresh eyes.

Why is there always a pit of despair in the back of my existence, always waiting for it to be quiet enough for me to remember it, to feel it, to acknowledge it's presence?

Why doesn't it matter how many times I heal, how many times I cry it out, talk it out, meditate it out, **** it out, drink it out, smoke it out, release it to God, to the devil, to ******* anyone who can just make the ******* agony disappear but it never actually goes anywhere?!?

It always comes back.

It's almost as if existence was the curse.
Is the curse.

A ******* prison planet of lies, delusions, poisons, distractions, and illusions.

It is so hard to feel like
I am constantly fighting against my nature.

Maybe death
Would bring true Life.

I love the way the leaves shake in the wind.
Almost like tiny little whispered claps in the distance, cheering me on.
Saying, "keep going."

I love the way the twigs rub against each other
Singing nature's tunes like a bow on violen strings.

The sun melting away the cold dark loneliness that had casted itself over my soul.

The ground, hard and firm and warm
Reminds me that mother Earth still has me even if no one else does.

As I heard the screeching stop of the garbage truck,

In that moment,

I wished with everything in me
That they could take out
All the trash that's been piling up
Within me for too long.

The smell of the rot
Is becoming unbearable.