Empty.
Nothing,
less than nothing.
But only
a faint cowardice,
the inescapable fear
that glues me to the sheets
that will not be
stained red, today.

Each day so drastic,
One marked by
sweet, soothing hot cocoa
dripping with white foam
and twists and turns
of enthusiasm rooted
in my stomach

The other,
preyed on by
the overbearing abyss
of poisonous thoughts
dressed in satin and lace

And now the start of a new day,
the sun still tucked away
for hours to come,
perhaps hiding from
the vile thoughts
of the dark sky

It's everything,
but it's nothing.
I'm nothing,
I'm nothing.

It is the season of
wiggly toes in wool socks,
witty novels and obscure films,
raindrops,
silver against the night sky,
And despite the crisp air,
an overwhelming feeling
of warmth.
It is the season of
warm feelings
that have no objective,
but only,
to feel warm
when my toes
meet yours
in a lucky accident.
Small secret moments,
no more real
than in my heart
and in my head.

Lost in space,
among the stars and planets,
constantly aware
of the intense black sky,
all-encompassing,
and forever,
but not forever,
not really.
More of a forever
than any "forever"
to leave the lips of
a love sick boy or girl,
confessing their undying love,
or a mother or father,
with broken promises
of unconditional love,
or a friend,
a very good friend,
who can never live up to
a forever friendship.
More of a forever
than any fathomable forever,
but not forever,
not really.

i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"
   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"
so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"
i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"
before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"
   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried

The sweet sound of innocence
from rampant fits of laughter,
Lemon bars embellished
with a coat of sugar,
Cartwheels in
the freshly mown grass,
the taste, the smell
forever engrained in my mind,
The sweet, syrupy
cherry lollipop,
tinging my tongue,
ever-so-slightly reminding me,
nagging me to feel
this nostalgic desperation,
for a time and place
that no longer exists.

It was a question;
a simple inquiry
that I had been running from,
catching me off guard,
trapping me in this feeling,
that I had been found out,
before I had found myself.

I remember taking offense,
as if it were an accusation,
rather than a question.
Out of breath,
and suspiciously defensive,
I was frightened out of my mind.
But it had been asked with such disdain,
such disgust and disapproval,
so I kept running.