I remember the day I realized I was fat.
I was probably ten years old, and a little chunkier than my peers.
I still have that feeling now, over ten years later.
Looking in the mirror everyday, lifting my shirt, looking at my body.
But it's not good enough.
I want to be smaller.
I used to not eat hardly at all.
Just enough to make my mom feel like I was.
Then, I barely ate because I wasn't hungry, and I was too busy.
Now, at my skinniest as an adult, I still don't feel good enough.
Sometimes I think about what I'd look like if I lost twenty pounds.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm okay with how I look, but it never lasts for long.
That hate will creep up with no warning, and then I'm back to pointing out my fat spots.
I just want to feel beautiful.
I see everyone around me getting married.
I'm always a little shocked, but I'm also jealous. I want that love.
I want someone to feel like that for me, but instead I watch you read my messages but never reply.
If every eligible person was a flower, I would be wilted in partial shade, while the others are springy and colorful.
I have always gone unnoticed, and I must stay that way because I am simply too difficult for anyone to love.
I seem to be a little beyond my years, and no one's ready for my intensity.
I burn too bright, too hard.
I hate it most when you fake it.
I told you I wanted honesty. No matter if that meant you hurting me.
Instead you stopped talking to me, and now I am haunted by your smile and all the charming things you said.
But the worst of all is that doubt.
Did you mean what you said? Did you care?
You still swear yes.
But my brain is screaming no, while my heart remains forever hopeful that someday I could have someone mean it.
I knew by the way you looked at her that it was going to happen.
Were not exclusive, and I don't want to be, but that doesn't seem to matter to my heart.
Seeing you pay her attention made me jealous beyond belief, it made me feel so small.
Funny, because two weeks ago you were in my bed begging.
Now you hardly look at me, but I get it.
Unless you're ****** up, and I'm the prettiest/most accessible girl in the room and then all you can do is look.
I'm a convenience.
I know it, and it hurts me, but I cant stop because at least someone is showing me some love.
It doesn't help that you have this terribly charming ******* like quality to you, where I can't stay mad.
Or maybe that's because I'm always a little sweeter on the people who have been in my bed.
What's really unfair about it all? I know you could care less about who else I'm *******, but I can't stand the thought of you ******* anyone else. I want your attention, I want your affection, and I want you.
I know this won't end well for me, but it doesn't mean I'm going to stop.
I will never be able to get the feeling of your hands running up and down my body.
It's funny, after a year of this you're starting to text me to **** but when we're in bed nothing is quiet enough.
I don't think you're ashamed, but I know you like me best when you're out of your mind.
I don't care, and I probably never will. I enjoy being with you, but I don't have to be ****** up to want you. I'm not asking for love.
I just want you to have some sort of attraction to me. Show me something besides apathy or drunk and high you wanting to ****.
I like you for more than our ***. You make me laugh and you can be sweet if you want.
I can't get the sight of you looking at me when I wake up. Your eyes are always so bright. I just want to lean in and kiss you, to kiss your scruffy face.
I'm still here as the convience **** I know I am, and I know it won't last that much longer. Doesn't mean I can stop thinking about you anyway.
There's nothing quite like falling in to bed with you.
I know that it's not the same for you, and don't think I'm in love with you, far from it.
But sometimes when you look at me with those bedroom eyes and smile that **** eating grin I am. For a moment.
Then, later when you're staring at me with a sweet smile I am for a few minutes.
But even still you stay elusive.
You've had my attention since you kissed me the first time.
Now you've become something I'm determined to figure out.
Don't think I'm expecting a love story, I am not that naive. I just want your attention, too.
Every time you swear you love me I can't help but wonder if you've said the same thing to her. Do you say ithat in the same breath? Would you dare? I wish I was more surprised at your sudden disappearance but old habits die hard, right? You insist that you love me but your actions have always spoken louter than your ******* words. And I am always a fool for thinking anything different. I am consistently broken by you because I want to believe you so badly. I want someone to love me that much, and to love them back without fear. I hope you know I'm not a game or a toy to only be played with when you feel like it or when it's convenient for you. I will hate myself for always letting you in and you will always manipulate your way. I should've known better. I hope you read this and know that you ****** up. Don't expect forgiveness and don't think that I will ever forget.
I may be eating alone, but in my mind you're across from me.
I may be sleeping alone, but I'm dreaming of you next to me.
I am always alone and you are never even near, but you are always on my mind.
The times we aren't speaking I get pressure in my chest. I feel like I can't breathe. I can't imagine you not in my life without feeling like my entire world is ending. But you've never been mine and I was always yours.