"just try not to give a ****."

I try and I try and I ******* try.
But all I do is give a ****.
I care so ******* much that it claws up my throat until it feels like I can't breathe.
I care about anything that goes through your stupid ******* head, even now, when I know you could give a ****.
I don't want to anymore.
I don't want to want you anymore.
Your apathy drowns me.

I am screaming and screaming and screaming.

But not with my voice.

With the way I fold into myself when you're around, because I don't want to say anything dumb. **** I don't even know what to say.

The way I put my walls up. Because I don't want you seeing me vulnerable because then you'd have power.

The way I don't even look at you because I don't want to be caught staring.

I am screaming out for your attention, except I'm sending the opposite signals.

Funny how that works, hmm?

I love you.
I mean not just you.
I love a lot of people, a lot of things, concepts, etc.
But anyway.
I love you.
Notice I'm not saying I'm in love with you, because that's different.

And I realize and I know.
Not many people feel it like me.
Some days I think my purpose is to give as much as I can and get nothing in return.
I am simply made to feel empty and alone, no matter what.
That's no one's fault but my own.

See, if I could help it, I wouldn't love you.
My love, my affection, my thoughts, my feelings, ****, even my presence is wasted on you.
You couldn't care less what or where I am.
Who I'm  with, who I'm *******, what I feel.
But, I can't hate you for giving me feelings.

It's not YOUR fault I'm like this.
I know I know I know.
But it doesn't help that you nurture my feelings.
When you touch me like you might care.
Like holding my hand in dark rooms. Like kissing me softly.
But you don't care. At least not sober.

I am constantly bending over backwards for anyone.
Even a stranger.
I want to make everyone happy.
I want to help people.
But I can never do it for myself.

I wonder often if there is something wrong with me. I give and give and give. I love so easy, so freely, and quickly...but I haven't found anyone else who does.

I fall in love in a matter of moments. I am so tired of worrying about everyone else. At the same time I could never put myself before anyone.

No one ever proved to me that I was important. So now I go through life looking and hoping for anyone to just ******* love me.

Not only that, but love me like I love you.

I should have known better. But I was naive then, and I am definitely not now. You seduced me with your smooth talking and I looked to you like a God. See, I was stupid. I thought you had feelings for me then. But I was a toy, while your girlfriend I didn't know about wasn't around.

Then you left.

I thought I did something wrong. I cried about it. The only man to ever give me any attention had disappeared.

Then you came back.

I got to close that time. I scared you off. I asked who hurt you, because I can see when someone has been ****** up the same way I am. You made excuses and then...

Then you left.

It hurt more this time. I knew I pushed too hard. But didn't you realize I CARED for you? I just wanted you happy. I just wanted you.

Then you came back.

You told me everything in a rare moment of weakness and we cried together. We cried because we were so happy that someone else was going through the same ****** up ****. It was different after that. Because now you had actual feelings for me. We agreed to meet.

But you never showed up.

We had been off and on throughout our relationships (that is, if you let me know you were in one, which you often didn't) and then you left me hanging. It hurt a lot. I wondered what I did.

I never told you I love you. But I think I do sometimes. I just don't know what the **** love is or what it feels like. Not romantically.

Later that year I found out you got engaged. From your twitter account. This was it. I cried and cried. But I insisted I was happy for you.  I forced myself to be. You changed your number. My number never made it in to your phone.

Then you left.

I wanted nothing more than to talk to you. But I knew that if we talked it would be bad, and I wanted you happy more than anything. So I forgot about you best I could.

But you came back.

I asked how your wife was. You insisted on meeting. I denied. and denied. denied. denied. den-******* fine. So we met. I regret that more than anything. If I hadn't gone that day, then we probably would be fine. But I did. And we kissed. And I wouldn't let you touch me.

Then you wanted an affair.

I said **** no. I will never willingly help someone cheat. I told you we could be friends but that's it. Otherwise don't talk to me.

I've lost count of the number of times I've blocked your email, phone, or whatever. I'm not kidding.

Now you swear you love me. I tell you that you don't, you just aren't used to one woman in your life. You tell me you wish you had left her.

Well.

F
U
C
K

Y
O
U

I hate you for doing this **** to me. For manipulating me. For lying. For all your ******* *******. I hate you because I hate myself. I hate you for getting me to believe you love me. For saying I make you happy.

Well guess what? I deserve better, and I know I can't ever trust you. I hope one day you don't 'love' me. I hope one day you realize the **** you've done to me.

******* for still having me hanging on your every word.

I'm trying to figure out what it means that you only **** me when you're not sober.
I'm trying to tell myself that it's just because you're more brave and not because you don't find me attractive sober.
I'm trying to tell myself that 'well he's high all the time anyway' so what difference does it make now?
I'm trying to tell myself that it's just *** and not feelings
I'm trying to tell myself that even though we've had *** that it's normal we aren't friends on anything and I don't have your number. It's just a coincidence, you're just teasing me, and waiting me out. You like me. You think I'm pretty. You want me sober.

I just want you to want me like I want you.

I have a tendency to have less control over my mind than most people.
My mind often has intrusive thoughts that I don't want anymore.
Because now more than anything else I want to live.
But sometimes part of me still want to die.

Usually I can chop it off quickly, and regenerate good again.
This summer I wasn't so lucky.
After two years of being almost normal, I broke again.
If you hadn't been there I honestly don't know where I'd be.

Our time spent together, the moments we had helped me.
We grew close, and thanks to you I wasn't alone with myself all the time.
I am so grateful for your help and love. If you hadn't been there I think there's a good chance I would have tried to die again.

Now I'm not there to be with you. I want to be more than anything. Seeing you sad makes me hurt because I know you're one of the kindest people I'll ever meet. I wish I could help you more than I am. I wish I could take your pain away. But I can't. So for now, I will help you as much as I know how. You deserve the world. One day someone will give you that.