I don't have a best friend
Not to be mistaken with having no friends
I do have some friends
But I have to the conclusion that they aren't trustworthy
Instead,  they are rather demanding
They have seen me laugh
and be funny
Talk about silly mistakes
and how others make me feel
They know that I don't have anyone in my life
and my unwillingness to dance
What they don't know
is that every day I fight
with myself
Not with scratches, blades and pins
But with my soul within
They don't know what I have been through
They have never seen the bruises still blue

They don't know
They just assume
They are not there when I am begging to up above
They are not there when I need a little love
They are not there when I have been crying for hours
They are not there when I feel like dying in the shower

Gossips and lame stuff is what they share
I continue to listen while the music continues to blare
There were many
who became my best friends over the years
Losing touch with them is what I feared
Then that's what happened
Sooner or later they forgot me
Phone calls became rarer
and Facebook our home.

Till today,  I stand without a best friend
Because I know I am whole
I am a winner
who stands alone.

Silence is not keeping quiet
because you have nothing
to say...

Silence is having a lot
to say but no desire
to speak...

thinking only of work
- eating my own business
minding my food

and manners

people small talking too
loudly with mouths full

- best get back and busy

- all this talk of ebola
isis and clowns with machetes -

slender man and little girls
- kidnapped girls forgotten

collateral damage
- somewhere else
someone else's -

hard to concentrate
on  important things
like metrics and data calls -

site density- history
- work things and holidays -
you know

i should buy pumpkins
on the way home today

- halloween is coming soon.

r ~ 10/15/14

i don't know why you left

was it the miles between our calls
or the years between
because if so id understand
was it the secrets
or having to keep things from me
because if so id understand

but if it was not loving enough
if it was not caring
if it was boredom
or if you just stopped liking me
i don't understand

because I loved enough for the both of us
and you always said you cared
and we always had something to discuss
you said you liked me even if you only would on a dare
and you swore you'd never lied to me
so i know you spoke the truth
when you said I'm yours and you're mine this time
{bcg}

I didn't cry today
I can't write it in a resume or post in a status or sing it in a song
But I didn't cry today so maybe that means I'll be okay
Maybe the unprompted tears or sudden screams are over
Maybe I'll never sit in the shower hyperventilating
Because I accidentally pictured his eyes
Again

When I hear his name
It’s like every one of those horrible moments all rolled into one
It’s like every time I pick up the phone to call him
And the universe waits till the third digit to remind me that he’s gone
Because that’s what he is: gone
But I can't forget the way he held my face
Or his laugh at three in the morning

I avoid sitting in certain rooms
Because when I walk by his spot
It's like it’s mocking me
"You're still here and he's not"

So I'll celebrate the first day without tears
I'll ignore people who may mention him
And when I walk into the dining room
I'll keep my eyes on the floor
So I'm not reminded that it's no longer his chair
And he’ll never be there
Again
{bcg}

Fury sets in.
Daggers sharpened.
Circles surrounds.

Pounding hearts fail.
Subliminal trips.
Scarred memories.

Twisted my soul.
Sinister evil.
Insidious triggers.
Sights are clean.

Minds ruined.
Lost runaway.
Blind alley.
Point of no return.

I see a cruel world through my view finder!!