my chest ripples whilst my eyes bleed ocean waves
and i cannot make you stay
        i cannot make you stay
i have padlocked my heartbeat and your smile together
please save me
            save me

her parcel heart was the best gift i had ever received, it was like gold in a world dripping in silver.

sometimes i lose direction and end up in a different dimension,
it is one where cats dance the ballet and riots erupt in the form of kaleidoscopes and all glaciers turn to glitter and dust;
it is one where lasers burn happiness into our skyline and it cascades down as rainfall and we can never be sad;
and it is one where she still loves me.

i remember when our energy fields collided and we become a force greater than gravity itself. we were floating.

and now all i want is simplicity: her rawest form, bare and naked in my bed in this dimension, so we can get lost together.

the sun exposes its smile for you every morning. it breaks through the gaps in your curtains, it breaks through the gaps in the trees and it rises above every building to find you, to show you light will follow you everywhere you go as long as you let it in.

2. you sip hot chocolate on a park bench and look outwards. you are a tiny dot in the vast space sea and yet you are the whole sea at the same time. you are important.

3. you realise life is made up of moments, and each moment is entirely in your control. you are the tour guide of your own life and you always have the potential to make it one worth viewing.

4. these moments string together to create your journey, and your journey is as grand as space itself, because your entire body is thriving with atoms and molecules that all came from a big bang and you are carrying that energy within you.

5. you came from the stars and they are what made you and you keep them alive just by being here.

6. you have an entire universe within you.

7. you are an entire universe; how you choose to perceive it is entirely up to you.

8. the past and the future are neit
nor there, they are as illusionary as the time we schedule our lives by. all, all that is ever important, is now.

9. and now, i hope you are happy.

i am grateful for solitude
i am grateful for every person who says thank you when i'm driving and i let them pass
i am grateful for every opportunity i have been given in my life, although i may not have taken advantage of them;
i am on my own path
i am here to create my own route
and i am not in a hurry
time is fleeting but i have paused all the clocks on the supermarket shelves
i do not rush
i can taste moments
i inhale them like the smell of fresh bed sheets
i am grateful for my body
it is articulate, it is flawless by design; it is bespoke
i learned to love myself when i stopped expecting other people to love me,
and i am grateful for all those who didn't
because now, i am grateful for me
and i travel like a lone wolf so freely under moonlight
my howl is there to invite you,
to show you that you, too, are worthy of loving you

i have never watched a single sunset with you in mind
lie
i have watched one;
the clouds that belonged to the sky had been kissed by the sun itself and they had melted into gold dust, spreading lemon chiffon, papaya whip and apricot; a sunset so beautiful you could taste it
and as vermilion started to seep through, there was all the fire but there was no smoke;
the sky was aflame, enriched and doused in dripping watercolour; i loved it
i loved seeing something so ferociously enticing be so innocent and composed, i questioned
how can this, this that evokes such burning emotion make me feel so at ease?
i stood and i watched the sun set;
there was nothing conceited about the way it moved, slowly;
knowing you'd come back the next day to watch it all over again.
and i did.
but i didn't think of you.

i have one hundred pocket pieces, they are parts of a jigsaw i never had the patience to put together and i carry them with me. i walk around like i'm on a tightrope from where i am right now to where you are. i try to make it in one piece, but i drop pieces. i can't lose too many because they are the only things that fit together and they resemble our hands.
i remember,
the last time our fingertips touched (do you?) you let go of my hand and i captured how it felt to be held by you, a vision i replay like a memory tape stuck on repeat; do you think our hands were jigsaw pieces? (i do)
you let go and you got on a train and i emptied my pockets for you, a trail so you could find your way back to me but i am still walking a tightrope.
is this a circus act?
is this an act?
can we cut to the scene where my legs buckle underneath me and i freefall through bottomless clouds (i'd probably still be searching for your eyes, or your hands) and all of a sudden i land on my feet and you are beside me just like you have been the entire time and i feel those fingertips again lace their way down my palm and you smile and tell me you've been expecting me?
i've watched too many romance movies, this is what you told me. you told me real life doesn't happen like that, so why am i still leaving trails?
am i losing my mind?
it kind of feels like i'm too far away from home to know where i am but yet it's so familiar and i am so at ease because i am walking this tightrope to get closer to you,
just follow my trail,
please.

come back to me.

pulchritudinous rolls off my tongue and on to the pebbles beneath her feet; i bend down to pick it back up, to pass it to her, to be like "here, hey, i got this for you, this is what you are to me" and she smiles.
it's a smile that never falters, it's an introverted "my mind is an alice in wonderland casket" smile. it is a pseudo smile and her persona speaks in the same tone.
i don't understand her language which is why i keep throwing words at her feet - i swear i'm trying not to but she has these eyes and i swear i've died and relived my entire life in parallel universes within them.
i tell her "here, hey, i don't know much, but i know that pulchritudinous was probably invented when someone saw you up close for the first time and didn't know how to speak and hey i know this pseudo smile hides so much but please note: i would let pulchritudinous roll off my tongue and pick it back up a million times over just to see it again and again,"
she smiles.

she smiles.