It’s okay, to cry yourself to sleep.
To accept your own defeat,
To always slam the door,
And lie upon the floor,
To shut out all the light,
Because you know you’re not alright,
To hate everyone your around,
And never make a sound,
To never speak your mind,
To always feel confined.

It’s okay, to think the end is now,
To admit you don’t know how.
To walk alone at night,
To loose at every fight,
To feel so insecure,
To believe in any cure,
To feel pushed around,
To be lost but never found,
To wish for the worst,
And feel like you’ve been cursed.

It’s okay, to admit that you were wrong,
To be weak, but never strong,
To want to dress in black,
And to always watch your back,
To feel so small,
Because no one cares at all,
To feel meaningless,
Because of the stress,
To know nothing makes sense,
And lose your self-defense.

It’s okay, to wish that you were numb,
From all that you’ve become,
To wish away the pain,
And all you can’t contain,
To forgive but not forget,
To shudder at every threat,
To get down on your knees,
To wish for some disease,
To crave a little love,
Rather than a shove.


It’s okay to bleed,
To give into to greed,
To stay in the dark,
And never make a mark,
To always be alone,
Rather than a clone,
To never trust someone,
And always want to run,
To long for the rain,
And for the humane.

It’s okay, to hate everyday,
To leave but never stay,
To be the outcast,
Never being asked,
To break all of the rules,
To say they’re just fools,
To hold onto to your dreams,
But hold in all your screams,
To have a little doubt,
To let it all come out.

It’s okay, to think outside the box,
To tell the world your thoughts,
To break out of the mold,
To forget what you were told,
To make your own path,
And let out a laugh,
To go where no one's been,
To believe that you can win,
To forget yesterday
And believe, you’ll be, okay.

I draw
I draw a face
Is it yours?
No, not exactly

Because I draw from memory
And my memories are weak
I'm sorry
I have no pictures of your smiling face

I draw
I draw a bird
No, not a crow
A raven
Very different birds.

I don't draw it dark enough
I'm too scared
If it's too dark,  there's no going back
Don't touch the 9b

I draw
I draw a storm
Not my storm, no
Just a storm

Wreaking through the houses
The walls
The roof
Just to get to you
And I let it

I draw
I draw a mountain
That I will not climb
I refuse, it's too big

A mountain of my fears is always too big
I don't wish to try
To climb
The things I cannot control

I draw
I draw tears
Tears that were mine
But no longer Belong to me

The tears for you that I shed
The tears I wish I did not have
The tears rolling in the back of my head
The tears wishing you never bleed

I draw

She was your water,
But I could see the salt.

She was your heartbeat,
But I'd spilled the blood.

She was your siren,
But I was the shipmate.

She was your song,
But I knew all the words.

She was your heaven,
But I'd faced the hell.

She was your star,
But I could feel the heat.

She was the moon,
And I was Mercury.

I was always closer,
But she always felt the light.

I was your best friend,
But she was yours.

Life is like a suicide hike,
Although it's a beautiful trail
It's scary to think one day we'll fall.
We fall because we walk on edges,
Some worth walking on, some not.
Ultimately, we learn from both.


Be careful who you choose to walk with,
Be careful who you choose to sit with.
Because they may just push you off
And way down you'll be falling down.
But sometimes it wasn't them who pushed you off
But it was them you thought would help you up.


And when we've hit our lowest point in life
We start looking for the root of our pain,
But it's dark and empty, it stings we feel lost.
It's no paradise down here, the pain feeds on our strength.
It's a tragic accident that breaks all of our bones.
With no paramedics or anesthesia, we've got to operate ourselves.
We don't know which injury is killing us more,
But we know a slow death is coming for us.
Our blood no more, regret is what the heart pumps now,
We scream and cry away our mistakes
But down here is a curse playing our fall in a loop,


I don't know when it stops
I'm drowning myself in my pain.
I've stained my soul with too much hate
I'm no longer the person who I used to be.
I've been down in the dark for too many days  
But when I start my hike again  
I hope to go further than yesterday.

I looked for love,

In high language novels read by men who always wear big glasses, and bigger intellectual endeavors.

In independent films with moody pianists for protagonists, or extravagant detectives, or mad prophets.

In the disappointments of post-12 AM conversations with strangers smoking outside an underground theater.



I looked for love,

In old photographs with brown spots, and wrinkled covers of vinyl records.

In candles with mysteriously inviting names, like “white musk” and “black forest".

In dictionaries that show how nostalgia and exoticism are alike: a longing for the imaginary.



I looked for love,

In between the lines, and tucked into metaphors.

In the closet where I used to hide as a child

In everywhere except for the coffee shop in plain sight where a 23 year old goes to have coffee, and write about how love is nowhere to be found.

I had my first dream last night that you weren't in.
not even a minor character,
your ****** name wasn't even in the credits,
let alone plastered across the sky in flashing lights
like you want it to be.
my first reality that you didn't belong in,
and it was the most blissful peace that I can remember since we bathed in pools of cloud.

I heard the first song that didn't make me think of you yesterday.
the lyrics, for once, were just lyrics,
not an embodiment of you and the things you do.
guess what?
it was coldplay.
you always hated coldplay.

this morning, I basked in the sun and didn't picture you coated in gold light beside me.
I didn't look at the leaves adorning the trees and picture your face laughing beneath it.

I didn't trace the plate lines of my palm and imagine the earthquake we used to create when yours collided with mine.

I didn't eat new food that I wanted you to try and I didn't want to share the smallest details of my day with you.

you may have won this poem, loverboy,
but don't be too triumphant.
your victory won't last long.
it's the era of my new beginnings without you and I'm going to be just fine.

Sometimes I feel like I'm completely passed it all,
Sometimes I stare out the window and watch rain fall,
Sometimes I listen to John Denver and sometimes Lil Peep,
Sometimes the pain is so awful I can not fall sleep,
Sometimes I talk about the very first time I fell in love,
Sometimes I talk about emotions and how they're disposed of,
Sometimes I realize that I am still falling,
Not asleep, but into silent dread, appalling,
Sometimes this silent dread is love and sometimes it's the future,
Sometimes I love life, but usually wish death would come sooner.

I remember the day I came to meet you for the first time in early August,
I remember being invited back at least once every week for two and a half months,
I remember the special look you gave me and what it meant,
I remember how you sought human contact around me and how you acted henceforth,
I remember the awkward sliding beneath my legs and how it became a norm,
I remember the unrelenting clinginess that I so desired,
I remember you grabbing me by the arm and taking me somewhere nobody could find us,
I remember the moistness of your lips against mine,
I remember the full weight of your body on mine as you nestled against me,
I remember the regret you felt,
I remember the regret i felt once I perceived your shame,
I remember the persistent, yet subtle avoidance,
And I still come across your circumvention resulting in mass amounts of pain to this day.