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Dec 2023 · 172
12/21/23
delilah Dec 2023
maybe i love you
because you truly could crush me with one look
collapse my lungs with a few steps
burn my skin with the littlest touch
shatter my psyche with just a few words
you could ruin me
wreck my heart
crush my soul
you could and you don't even know it
so maybe i love you
because i'm happy to give you this power
Aug 2023 · 192
8/30/23
delilah Aug 2023
intimacy is such a funny thing
because i do feel close to you
and that's what intimacy is
right?
feeling a special kind of closeness
but i think i could be closer
there's a space between your two arms
i could just stay there
and burrow myself closer
closer and closer
till every part of me is close to you
that's intimacy
right?
Apr 2023 · 92
4/29/23
delilah Apr 2023
someone told me i behave passively
that i move with the flow
as though nothing can touch me
but it’s just how i behave
a crutch
coping mechanism
a funny little way to say i live inside myself
keep the turmoil in my head
feel the hurt inside myself
and behave passively
Apr 2023 · 120
4/26/23
delilah Apr 2023
you think it’s fun i’m crazy
but you just don’t get it
i’ll drive myself insane before you
and i’m not always fun
sometimes i’m scary
but in a scared for me than of me way
scared i’ll burn my life down just to feel the warmth
and i’m scared you might get caught in it
Apr 2023 · 100
4/10/23
delilah Apr 2023
i promise you’re not the only one upset
but despite how much i want to hold your hand
and how much i want to feel every bit of you pressed against me
i can’t help feeling like tearing away my skin
and clawing off your fingerprints from my bones
i just can’t bare to feel the weight of your touch
even the lightest lingers
and i’m scared your touch might never leave me
and i couldn’t handle being haunted
by someone walking around touching someone else
Apr 2023 · 675
4/07/23
delilah Apr 2023
sometimes i forget
you’ve been a daughter longer than you’ve been my mother
it’s easy to forget
you were a girl that cried for her mom
a girl that sought comfort from her mom
a girl that fought with her mother
a girl that has done all a daughter can
so easy to forget
the girl my mom can’t stop being
Apr 2023 · 95
4/2/2023
delilah Apr 2023
you just can't figure me out
because i'm oh so complex
and oh so hard to get to know
because despite all my ramblings
baring my chest
carving myself open
and serving all i can spare
you
just
can't
figure
me out
Oct 2022 · 184
“s l u t”
delilah Oct 2022
surely you knew
that for the kind of men you know
a reputation is as good as consent
Jun 2022 · 107
6/5/22
delilah Jun 2022
perhaps womanhood is being a stepping stone in a man’s personal growth


and perhaps i didn’t need to feel the crushing weight of your desire
Apr 2022 · 107
4/26/22
delilah Apr 2022
i’ll sooner paint you a saint
than admit you distorted my vision of love
before i even got to learn the words
Apr 2022 · 85
4/18/22
delilah Apr 2022
i told you it was just that time of year again
and you asked me what i meant
as though you haven't been there that time of year
every year
and every year that time of year seems to get longer
and every year i seem more eager for it to come around
because this time of year is better
not good but the rest is worst
this is the time of year i set myself on fire
and see who burns out faster
me or everything i touch
me or the world
and every year i lose
but i'm getting better
i can make the game last longer
i learned how to fuel my own flames
and you've always known how to make me burn bright
maybe one year you'll be there to see me win
but i know you won't
because there's no wining
i'd have the game run into infinity if i could
but the high can't last
and once i'm out of steam i know you'll be leaving again
because you don't know how to love me when the fire has gone out
you only know how to love a ******* top of the world
not one who can't get out of bed
Feb 2022 · 79
2/25/22
delilah Feb 2022
i hate when i start doing well again
when i manage to get out of bed again
manage to go to class again
when i start eating more than one tiny meal again
start going to the gym again
when it gets easier to pull myself out the shower again
easier to say no again
i hate when i start doing well again
because i catch myself falling for it time and time again
catch myself believing i’m not just doing better
but that i am better
and that i can finally stay better
Feb 2022 · 203
2/22/22
delilah Feb 2022
anyone with a half mind could clearly see that my hypersexual facet
is nothing more than an halfwitted attempt to feel what it is to be alive again
forever chasing a high i could never recreate
Feb 2022 · 162
2/2/22
delilah Feb 2022
i’ve gone and designed myself into a commodity
made myself perfectly consumable
and i’ll let you consume every bit of me
i’ve realized that i’m basically dressing up the shell of a person
make myself into who people want to see
who people want to feel
want to love
and i know what i have isn’t love
i know it’s just the lies boys think i need to open my legs
but i’m okay with that
to feel like someone’s world for fleeting moments
Jan 2022 · 73
01/10/22
delilah Jan 2022
time and time again
i catch myself attracted to
good for nothing potheads
small time criminals
boys with daddy issues
(sometimes even mommy issues)
boys that don’t want to be better while i’m around
boys that want to dig themselves deeper
boys that’ll be better for a girl that matters
and i’m just not that girl
Dec 2021 · 517
12/18/21
delilah Dec 2021
you were never nice were you?
i was just easy
Dec 2021 · 347
12/17/21
delilah Dec 2021
you only stopped to consider how drunk i may have been
when it came to getting me out of your bed
not when it came to getting me in it
*****
Dec 2021 · 262
12/08/21
delilah Dec 2021
it physically pains me to think that i have existed beyond the present
like i'm walking through life trailed by fragments of me
like there's pieces of me still living for others
pieces i don't remember losing
living without me
it scares me to think that maybe i am less and less myself everyday
but maybe it's better that parts of me get to live for others
better than those pieces being simply gone
forever
Jun 2021 · 90
how unfortunate
delilah Jun 2021
i look so much like my father when my mother is upset with me
it's amazing how she can't see herself in me when she's mad
my teary eyes are his
my sour face is his
my stance is his
i am his daughter when's she's angry
Jun 2021 · 75
choo choo
delilah Jun 2021
~
sometimes it feels like i can't catch a train in my own thoughts
~
May 2021 · 93
crying feels so damn good
delilah May 2021
crying all the time sets me apart from from you & her
you only cry when something really bad happens
or you want me to feel really bad for how i react
and my mom only cries when she's really mad
or on the off occasion i catch her breaking down

you've always been quick to smother me when i cry
not with love but meaningless gifts
my mother always says i'm too sensitive when i cry
when really she means i'm too much like you
and maybe i am "too sensitive"
but i don't just cry for the lowest lows like you two

i cry every time i watch a movie
i cry every time i laugh a little too long
i cry every time i'm overwhelmed
i cry every time i erupt into anger
sometimes i cry just for the hell of it

i cry all the time and that used to embarrass me
but i've grown to realize that's what sets me apart from you & her
that's what makes me better that you & her
i show every emotion with the prettiest tears
Mar 2021 · 436
lol
delilah Mar 2021
lol
i don't wear your clothes because i miss you
a fit is a fit
and i look **** good in it
delilah Mar 2021
growing up ***** for many reasons
one that breaks my heart more and more everyday
is realizing my parents are not the monolithic people i've always seen them as
as a child it was easy to be hurt
to be mad at my mom for her mistakes
to be sad about my dad's short-comings
and then i grew to understand that their personal trauma and triumphs permeated every part of their parenting
and when i was younger it was easy to be hurt
now being hurt feels juvenile
Mar 2021 · 116
0_0
delilah Mar 2021
0_0
can you tell my mother loved the way I cried as a child?
can you tell my father loved how few and far between my words were?
can you tell i was loved for all the things i couldn't help?
that being loved felt like being mocked
when you look at who i am today
can you see the child i tried so desperately not to be?
Feb 2021 · 65
thanks dad
delilah Feb 2021
my father taught me love is conditional
that you can stop loving the people you promised the world to
that you can pack away their things as though they never occupied your heart
that you can go through the daily motion without thinking of them
that you can fill their seat at the dinner table with someone else
that you can carry on with the holidays as though no one is missing
that you can give up

my father taught me you can say i love you & goodbye without missing a beat
i haven't had dinner with brother in months
he's not dead
but he might as well be to my dad
Nov 2020 · 60
i never liked you
delilah Nov 2020
you always manage to make an appearance when i'm at my lowest
offering me a chance to abandon my real troubles
you may think i was so desperately in love with you
but i made a papier-mâché heart for you to tear apart
i willingly handed you a knife to tear into the layers
i gladly bared my chest so you wouldn't miss
i smiled with tear stained cheeks as you
time & time again
pierced me with declarations of love

i never loved you
i never even liked you
i just liked to way you knew just how to hurt me
when i couldn't bring myself to do it
Oct 2020 · 57
rise & fall
delilah Oct 2020
i am living for the sun and moon
and all the other things that will continue to rise and fall
when i can no longer fall from swings in empty parks
or raise my arms to race down makeshift slides
or fall on the track chasing around cats
or raise my voice to meet yours
or fall into fits of laughter
or raise my head to the stars
when i can no longer get out of bed
when i can't fall any further
the sun will still rise and fall
with the moon close behind
and so i'll live for the all things that will continue
when i no longer can
10-28-20
Aug 2020 · 54
to (really) moving on
delilah Aug 2020
i don't miss you
i don't want you in my life
or near it
i know better now
i know i deserve better now
because i don't deserve being treated like a ***** secret
like a toy that makes you feel like a man
i know what we had wasn't real love
it wasn't even second best
it was two broken people desperate to feel anything
broken people breaking more in each other's arms
i know it's time for me to really move on
because simply not texting you isn't moving on
it's time to evict you from my head & heart
it's time to really heal
because apathy isn't healing
it's time to learn to love
with someone worth loving
Jul 2020 · 69
there's a difference
delilah Jul 2020
i love the way rain falls
&
you love the way it crashes

and i feel like somewhere between those lines there's a conclusion i'm meant to draw
maybe one where they simply explain why loving each isn't necessarily enough
especially when we don't love each other in the same way
especially when i'm beginning to wonder
wonder if maybe you only love when i'm at my lowest
if maybe i only love you when there's still time to pretend
pretend that maybe you won't stop falling
that you won't join me crashed out on the cement
that maybe this time is different
Jul 2020 · 77
*-*-*
delilah Jul 2020
if you are an honest man,
then why do you only speak sweetly to me
when cloaked by the night-time air,
dim street lights,
and my sleep deprived state of mind?
Apr 2020 · 59
tarot
delilah Apr 2020
i've recently rediscovered my love for tarot
and so of course i've read a fortune or two
your's was most intriguing
or rather most disappointing
because you asked for a reading on your love life
and for a brief moment
i thought this was it
this was the sign the cards failed to give me
this was you letting me know
in a subtle and sweet way
that you wanted to see what the cards had to say about
y o u  &  i
but as i laid card by card
and you spoke more and more
i felt a weight on my chest
a queasy feeling in my gut
and a stinging in my eyes
because there was no
y o u  &  i
to know more about
instead the story of
you&her
unraveled in the cards before me
and spilled from each sugar dipped word that fell from your mouth
Apr 2020 · 61
nothing&everything
delilah Apr 2020
waking up every morning i feel like nothing
going to bed every night i feel like nothing
every hour in between
no matter how many or how few
i feel like nothing
i feel like even at the very core of my being
i am nothing
that where my heart should be beating warmth
there is nothing
nothing but an empty chill
a nothingness that spreads to every fibre of my being
and to the entire fabric of my existence
but
when i got to be with you
it was easy and enticing
to
feel
like
e v e r y t h i n g
Y O U
made me feel like i was everything
t o   y o u
like i was the sun you opened your eyes to
like i was the stars you searched for yourself in
like i was every breath you took in between the two
when i was with you
and only then
did i feel like maybe
just maybe
i could be everything
Apr 2020 · 112
tv static
delilah Apr 2020
i have nothing new to say
i am the same tv static as yesterday
watch me fail to form a single sentence
watch me become a ball of fuzzy feelings
watch me as others look to me annoyed
watch me as others give up and leave me
watch me when no one else will
watch me
even when i stay the same tv static as yesterday
i've already written a poem about feeling like static but this a different play on tv static
Mar 2020 · 102
-idk-
delilah Mar 2020
i don't know why i am the way i am
i don't know why i'm not hungry
i don't know why i can't sleep
or can't stop sleeping
i don't know why i feel like i'm already dead
or am better off so
delilah Mar 2020
did i fall or throw myself into the abyss?
did i **** myself or finally become a hurricane?
a beautiful storm catapulting toward the main land
destroying everything in my path
including the cement
and finally fizzling out
fizzling out like a firework
loud and eye-catching
catching the eyes of passers-by
and camera lens
before my foot goes over the edge
i ask myself
would my dad think it was an accident?
would my mother?
or brothers
or sister
or friends
would they think it was an accident?
or would they know
would they know i've been struggling to stay afloat
would they love my shattered corpse
or memories of what i was before the storm began to form
Mar 2020 · 65
*~*
delilah Mar 2020
*~*
you always were my favorite way to self-destruct
Mar 2020 · 58
so i had a shitty night
delilah Mar 2020
i don't know why that night was so ****
i don't know why that was the night i couldn't handle things
i don't know why it felt like the world was crumbling down on me
i don't know why i let myself **** up
i ****** up progress
i flushed 3 years without self-harm down the drain
and then things kept spiraling
my best-friends were at a party
and i was walking around campus alone
and i was more scared of what i'd do to myself than what strangers could
so asked a friend to just keep me from being alone
i asked him because i expected nothing from him
and his judgement meant nothing
so he wouldn't disappoint me
and i couldn't disappoint him
and he may be a bad person like my best friends say
but he was what i needed that night
and they're never gonna understand what that really means
they can't comprehend that it wasn't a matter of seeking comfort elsewhere
it was a matter of survival
and to make it through that i night i couldn't handle anyone caring too much
march 7, 2020 was a ****** night
and this has been a ****** week
but i'm trying still
Mar 2020 · 79
paper stars
delilah Mar 2020
i make paper stars when bad thoughts flood my mind
i've made a lot of stars but not a lot of progress
my wall will be lined with colorful stars
while my mind will stay littered with the scraps
and i'm gonna run outta paper soon enough
i don't know what i'll do then
i can barely manage to do the bare minimum now
i doubt i'll make myself get paper
for stupid paper stars
Dec 2019 · 319
:(
delilah Dec 2019
:(
i still wear your jacket when i'm sad
Dec 2019 · 117
i don't want to let go
delilah Dec 2019
maybe it's not that i want you in my life
maybe i just don't wanna let go of that part of my life
the part of my life where i let you come and go as you please
the part of my life where i let us pick up where we left off
where i let us ignore the fact that things are different and time has passed
but we don't really talk about those parts
we don't address the girls you tried it with between our stops and starts
we don't mention the bad things i've done with boys i shouldn't have
and even when i finally bring myself to say out loud that it did hurt and does hurt everytime you do this to me
i still let you hold me in your arms while i cry about you
i still try to make you laugh while crying about you
i still kiss you goodbye after crying about you
i'm trying so hard to hold on to 17
Dec 2019 · 108
i'm an idiot
delilah Dec 2019
i thought i cut the strings
closed the book
and burned the pages
but once again
you hit me up
offering me nothing more than a hello
after nearly a year of silence
and so i crawled into your backseat
at 2 am
on a cold november night
because i could never tell you no
delilah Sep 2019
i've ****** up plenty of times in my thus far short life
and while this may be one of the bigger ones
i only regret it a little
positive self-sabotage i suppose
because now the bridge is burned
ashes in the wind
land up for sale
and i've got the sheriff on my ***
and this is good
or better
because the sad and toxic truth is
i could never say no to you
you could show up tonight
at 3 AM
and i'd do more than let you in
hell i would have given you the world
if you just promised i could visit
but you won't be looking to sneak around with me anymore
and that's a good thing
delilah Aug 2019
my room is a mess
less so in the classical sense
much more in the sense
that my floor is littered with memories
memories i tore from the walls
memories i tossed from drawers
my life stripped down to piles
piles of old sticky notes
piles of "just-in-case"
i'm trying to get a handle
trying to consolidate necessities
trying to finding value beyond sentimental
trying and failing
to pack
pack away enough of my life to live
but leaving just enough
just enough to come back
just enough to save myself a spot
just enough
so yeah
my room is a total mess
and maybe that's a metaphor
i move into my dorm friday
and packing has just lead to more a mess
more stuff is coming into my room than leaving
Aug 2019 · 333
static
delilah Aug 2019
sometimes i feel like tv static
an odd kinda buzz
a little bit numb
sinking feeling in my gut
switch the channel
i feel numb
switch the channel
i can't feel my hands
switch the channel
i can't breath
switch the channel
i can't break through the screen
switch the channel
i'm grasping for air
switch the channel
switch
switch
switch
i'll being waking up as the same tv static tomorrow
Jul 2019 · 121
and sleep evades me
delilah Jul 2019
what am i meant to do when my mind's empty and i can't sleep?
i have nothing to ponder
no dream worlds to drift into
no false realities to explore
nothing
blank spaces to fill
but i haven't any ink to spill
so delirious i think this is poetry
it's hardly even a train of thought
more a barrel of babble
usually
my mind is a jumble
of stolen
found
borrowed
and new words
but they seem to have taken the night off
how convenient
my melatonin is lacking
my words are slacking
and i still think this is poetry
do i even wanna sleep
Jul 2019 · 97
~and so i've learned~
delilah Jul 2019
i did not bloom from a household of love
i grew from the rubble of failed attempts
i thought love was sacrifice
sacrificing your time
your safety
and sanity
i thought love was tolerance
tolerating strangers
judgement
and lies
i thought love was fear
fearing what you'll do
what you'll give
and what you'll take
i thought love was pain
that it was only heartbreak
that the only proof it was real was a new child
that if it hurt it had to be real
i've grown to realize that just isn't right
i've learned
you don't have to settle for this love
love is acceptance
but not accepting *******
Jul 2019 · 215
i don't need closure
delilah Jul 2019
sometimes i think i need it
sometimes i think about hitting you up
i think about asking to talk
i think about just texting it all
i think about just sending you a song
but
then i realize
i don't need closure
and deep down i know i'm not reaching out for it
i need chaos in my life
and calling you was always the easiest way to get it
i know i'm not looking for closure
i'm looking for a fight
i'm not ready for closure
Jul 2019 · 277
. . .
delilah Jul 2019
i've had one too many boys toss love at me like a hello
delilah Jun 2019
i am 18 and crazy
i read once that the two go hand-in-hand
sometimes
i feel i am nothing more
than stolen words
because sometimes
i can't help but simply be an echo
of punks songs
a bit of indie
and every book that crowds my shelves
but is that so terrible?
i have been molded by the hearts & souls of hundreds
i have been nurtured by the reality & fiction of people i'll never meet
i have learned from lives lived & imagined before mine
maybe sometimes i mimic the mistakes
maybe sometimes i follow paths with a thousand warning signs
maybe sometimes i really really **** up
but
i am 18 and crazy
so
i have plenty of time to clean my messes
i have time to right my wrongs
i have time
i had time for the first time in a while to just lay down and listen to some music
(also this title is cute imo)
Jun 2019 · 182
...
delilah Jun 2019
...
an idle heart is a factory for poor decisions
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