Curiosity lifted my face from the ground.

You asked me
what I required.

But our truth was still
mystery at that time.

I said
from You -

It was only silence.
You said o-k but still found a way

to pass your vibrations
along my sense.

Lit a flame and made a riot of
my mind's

already
slow-burning fire..

And I had to turn the volume back down.

When I'm asking why
you love me
I'm really asking
why the wind blows

at this point.

The only answer
you couldn't explain;
How can your sun still shine
in the midst of my rain?
These unsaid things
are better off said,
because you forgave me
for everything but to you

I couldn't allow the same.

A patience for distress
I'll never understand;
A slow burning candle
in a sea of darkness..

My small light of hope

dancing in the wind.
How is this possible?
The one thing I can explain -
the reason you love me,
those answers must be the same.

You want me to
write my heart out on my sleeve,
then pull the thread,
unravel it,
patch it up,
then again,
then cut that arm off
and burn it.

Shovel my thoughts
into tidy piles,
then spill the milk
and muddle them up
then sop 'em up and
mop 'em up
'til I'm left with blurred lines.

Stuff my feelings in a jar,
toss them with ingredients
that don't mix
rollie pollie
with a dab of Ranch
and it's all ****** up.

Y'all want the key
to my mind -  
an old closet that leads to
a tunnel that leads to
the grave of my buried thoughts.

I opened the door
and I was pushed from behind
then told to "lead the way".
To "find the truth
in all your ways" -
one arm out
reaching in the dark;
a ******* a mission,
searching for her heart...

I fell in a hole.
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
It started to rain,
I was surrounded by mud.
The door closed.
Which one of you all
care to open it again?

Yesterday
I thought about you.

    I remembered how excited you were
to see me; I remembered
    how happy you were
to see me those years before.
   Life's a little different now
but, that doesn't stop you -
    from reaching out,
letting me know that
    you're still there
and I feel your touch, I swear I do
    even when I know you're not there.
Right now, I'm afraid I'm all alone.
    It feels so different here.
Sometimes it hurts, sometimes too much
    without you being here.

Today
I miss you.

you don't love me
yet
but i know how to make you
i'll hold the hand
used to wipe your ****
watch me
turn mine to tissue.

5/16/18 2:50 am

Why'd you leave me all alone when
you knew I needed help?
At least stay and lend a hand with
all these cards I've been dealt;

You know I can't shuffle.

How can you ask if I'm alright when
you know the lie before it leaves my lips,
and you still ******* believe it then
blow my steam off with a kiss

Like that's supposed to sweeten the trouble.

You say you're there for me and
you are, if only just for show....
With my emotions you get it wrong
You actually listen when I tell you no.
I don't want you here. I don't want you near -

You go right with it then.

How'd you leave me crying in the doorway
knowing I'd only shut myself in?
My depression is my guilty pleasure
How could you condone my sin?

i resolved long ago
to let those sorry ******* eat the cake
they love so much
with no concern for their own well being
they shovel it down their throats
i watch the piles build from their hips
and what happens when they've had their fill?
they puke it all over the ******* ground
right next to the pretty roses
now i can't take a walk in my garden
without stepping in someone else's ****.

5/8/18 4:00 am

I'm afraid if I tell you my secrets that
You'll shout them back at me.
If my constant day dream
Was filmed in front of a studio audience
With you as the sole observer
You'd only laugh at my pain.
I'm afraid if I look into your eyes
You'll notice the ship
Sinking in the depths of mine.
If one day the weight becomes too heavy
And I suddenly drop this load on you
You'll crumble beneath the pressure.
You'd be lost at sea.
A pirate of my emotions.
I pray you swim at your own risk babe
I'm afraid it gets deep.

7/13/17 2:51 am
How many could there be
Safely hidden from the senses
Of my enemies
I wonder how many there are
Of Ours
Illuminated across the dark
The scattered bones of every
Skeleton
I thought I had safely tucked away
Elevated discovery awaits
An eye for all ours
They twinkle in delight
With the silent-kept thoughts
We let frolic the night
Mysteries
Solved in the stars
Past and present alike
The true identities of all the demons
I'm still finding the courage to fight

I've never been happy.

I'm still searching for that silence
Above it is quiet
Below is loud
And violent.
The ear to the heavens waits listening
to every sound of every creature
I whisper to these creatures too
Into the night I say
Sing your song little Nightingale
Send your secrets to the sky
Let the clouds tell your story
In the place where all ours lie.

4/30/2018 3:46 am

Man
I feel like a woman
I've got hair up under my pits
No bra restricting my ****
Peach is fuzzy
but you can still get to the pit
If you ain't *****.
It feels good to be a woman.

4/29/18 5:47 pm

I wish you wouldn't blame yourself
For those memories I'll never get
I wish you wouldn't flinch so much
At dinner
when the conversation
meanders to my name
I wish my happiest moments
were shared with some of yours
I wish my accomplishments the same
I wish you could make a guilt-free trip
To see me.
I wish when I smiled
Your soul would adhere and do as such
I wish those times when I was knocked off balance
Your love would have been my crutch
I wish in our text messages there was no distance
I wish phone calls between us existed
I wish my existence didn't make you so uncomfortable.
Pops
I wish you would have gotten to know me
I wish you could have helped to paint my canvass
I wish you knew I'm not upset
I wish it wasn't too late

April 24, 12:52 pm.

She looked so pretty in the sunlight..
What happened when it rained?
Something happened to her spirit.
The pep in her step was actually a limp;
Her glitter traded for mud
And she'd wear those ***** boots all day
And an empty smile
To match her empty thoughts.
And where was hope?
Where had her faith gone?
Her attitude reeked of the sewers;
Another washed out heap of waste
On these days she hurts.
She lets her soul slip
Down the drain.
Her heart bleeds the most,
For with her sadness
She also weeps hate..
To know more days like this
Soon come and no sponge..

I offered her an umbrella one day
I could stand a drop or two..
But day after day,
Sit still I could no longer -
An effort I had to make
To shield her pain and heal mine.
She declined on the same beat.
What good is a cover-up?
I'll hide today.
Tomorrow I'll get wet.
The next I'll be soaked.
My world will be flooded..
My life gone afloat and
I'd have no time to respect
All these sad memories
I'd be forced to forget.

4/1/18 5:40 AM
Erase my footsteps
from this broken path
Find that loose ***** and
Give it back
to the ones who ruined it.
Who told me I could do everything
But failed to provide me
the tools to prove it.

I was supposed to be
Night’s brightest star
And those textbooks
Said the same.
Gave me the roadmap
Said “**** the pit stops”
Then put me in the car
With no gasoline.

A hitchhiker,
on her way to greatness
The road ain’t so
Straight and narrow.
Missed turns
Leave me clueless
With mild delusions
And steady making
The forced decisions
of the shameless.

I believed every lie I was told.
Ya know I wasn’t even scared.
So blind I walked
Into The Jungle
Never realized I was
Unprepared
Now I’m lost
And I didn’t even think
To bring a jacket
Because they’d never said
That it would get this cold.