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ardnaxela Jul 2022
?
Am I really
just fighting
for
my family
or
is there more
like
am I all
?
so
fighting for
the feeling
of having someone
to care
for me
**** it
I deserve it
I deserve it.

or
could it be
the fight was
Just
a façade
am I All
ready
?
falling
victim to the fear
of failure
?
am I alright... ?
...
ardnaxela Jul 2019
...
the deed done
they both
lay in wonder
...
ardnaxela May 2021
It’s not just you, it’s me too.
I’m just foolish.
Because I saw her and I know
you don’t love
me, anymore
and that you’ve moved on
but I’m still waiting
for your name to flash up on my
phone.
It’s none of my concern
but I can’t help to wonder
Have you ate? Today?
I still wanna
make you a plate;
cause I know it was some *******.
Look at me
still trying to put in work
and I’m not
on your pay roll.
I’m not even an intern..
and that’s her job now anyway..
So ******* foolish.
ardnaxela May 2018
i resolved long ago
to let those sorry ******* eat the cake
they love so much
with no concern for their own well being
they shovel it down their throats
i watch the piles build from their hips
and what happens when they've had their fill?
they puke it all over the ******* ground
right next to the pretty roses
now i can't take a walk in my garden
without stepping in someone else's ****.
love, John.
ardnaxela Sep 2021
saw my heart as the enemy
when really
every battle fought was
just to win yours back.
a true Trojan horse in fact
left my gates
wide open
oblivious to the silent attack.
liar. traitor. cheat. scoundrel.
ever since i met you
it's like you've waged a war
against my happiness.
that rosy patch once
reserved for you
now scorched brittle black.
Day 7. The healthiest way for me to release my anger will always be through ink.
ardnaxela Apr 2018
April 24, 12:52 pm.

She looked so pretty in the sunlight..
What happened when it rained?
Something happened to her spirit.
The pep in her step was actually a limp;
Her glitter traded for mud
And she'd wear those ***** boots all day
And an empty smile
To match her empty thoughts.
And where was hope?
Where had her faith gone?
Her attitude reeked of the sewers;
Another washed out heap of waste
On these days she hurts.
She lets her soul slip
Down the drain.
Her heart bleeds the most,
For with her sadness
She also weeps hate..
To know more days like this
Soon come and no sponge..

I offered her an umbrella one day
I could stand a drop or two..
But day after day,
Sit still I could no longer -
An effort I had to make
To shield her pain and heal mine.
She declined on the same beat.
What good is a cover-up?
I'll hide today.
Tomorrow I'll get wet.
The next I'll be soaked.
My world will be flooded..
My life gone afloat and
I'd have no time to respect
All these sad memories
I'd be forced to forget.
ardnaxela Apr 2018
4/1/18 5:40 AM
Erase my footsteps
from this broken path
Find that loose ***** and
Give it back
to the ones who ruined it.
Who told me I could do everything
But failed to provide me
the tools to prove it.

I was supposed to be
Night’s brightest star
And those textbooks
Said the same.
Gave me the roadmap
Said “**** the pit stops”
Then put me in the car
With no gasoline.

A hitchhiker,
on her way to greatness
The road ain’t so
Straight and narrow.
Missed turns
Leave me clueless
With mild delusions
And steady making
The forced decisions
of the shameless.

I believed every lie I was told.
Ya know I wasn’t even scared.
So blind I walked
Into The Jungle
Never realized I was
Unprepared
Now I’m lost
And I didn’t even think
To bring a jacket
Because they’d never said
That it would get this cold.
ardnaxela Sep 2023
Are you
the bowl
I pour
into
The contents of my heart
When it starts to
overflow ?
Are you
The switch
I flip to
Change the temp of
my emotions
from Hot to cold?
Are you
the siren
I sound
when
I love out
Loud or
When my
Chest implodes?
Are you the bomb
I dropped
That starts the fall
Or
The crash
Which makes it end?
In this case
I think
I am
the pen & you
the ink
of sadder stories
To be told.
qtna
ardnaxela Aug 2018
Embarrassment
Leave her faces imprinted in the pillow.
Distress
Leaves her voices hoarse and the cotton warm.
Sorrow
Leaves the fabric soaked in tears.
Rage
Leaves her hands in place until her breathing is shallow.
Defeat
Leaves her mind helpless against this attack.
Autumn nightmare
ardnaxela May 2018
5/8/18 4:00 am

I'm afraid if I tell you my secrets that
You'll shout them back at me.
If my constant day dream
Was filmed in front of a studio audience
With you as the sole observer
You'd only laugh at my pain.
I'm afraid if I look into your eyes
You'll notice the ship
Sinking in the depths of mine.
If one day the weight becomes too heavy
And I suddenly drop this load on you
You'll crumble beneath the pressure.
You'd be lost at sea.
A pirate of my emotions.
I pray you swim at your own risk babe
I'm afraid it gets deep.
...is a deep ocean of secrets.
ardnaxela Jul 2018
The clouds of Pompeii
had nothing on his heart.
An eruption of UNCERTAINTY
then
his world e-x-p-l-o-d-e-d.
lights extinguighed,
joy (deleted).
Night is now who was once Day.
Corruption of a steaming bliss.
Darkness gripped his mind -
insomnia, coupled with a blind-ness..
that could only be caused
by some serious disruption....
like the ash of Pompeii when it settled
or the pain of a burnt page.
I'm sorry Teddy.
ardnaxela Jun 2020
if i woke up this morning and decided to off myself
for the first time in my life
i'd be putting myself first.
Be.
ardnaxela Mar 2021
Be.
Honestly
I feel like an Empress boo.

Divine iterations
of existence, unique...
And I truly hope these
expressions
make a good impression on you,
I do
not always know how things
will turn out
Often times I find
myself
stalled; consumed with doubt
So if you could,
Be patient please.
Things are deeper than they seem.
There’s more to me than you can really see;
although what I share
is limited
to the confines of a square
Boxed In
is one thing I could never Be
And so world, here’s to me
And here’s to Being
Infinitely
Free.
I plan on using this as a caption on one of my IG photos..
ardnaxela May 2018
7/13/17 2:51 am
How many could there be
Safely hidden from the senses
Of my enemies
I wonder how many there are
Of Ours
Illuminated across the dark
The scattered bones of every
Skeleton
I thought I had safely tucked away
Elevated discovery awaits
An eye for all ours
They twinkle in delight
With the silent-kept thoughts
We let frolic the night
Mysteries
Solved in the stars
Past and present alike
The true identities of all the demons
I'm still finding the courage to fight

I've never been happy.

I'm still searching for that silence
Above it is quiet
Below is loud
And violent.
The ear to the heavens waits listening
to every sound of every creature
I whisper to these creatures too
Into the night I say
Sing your song little Nightingale
Send your secrets to the sky
Let the clouds tell your story
In the place where all ours lie.
there was a lake there too.
ardnaxela May 2021
I know
all this crying is beneath me
But i just feel
like you want to leave me
and you’re too afraid
to show it
You don’t want to
be that *******
who leaves their girlfriend
while she’s showing.

I get it.
It’s okay if
you don’t love me
anymore
but
what hurts more
is all the guessing.
ardnaxela May 2021
I’m still in love with your stupid ***.
Seriously, how long does falling out of love with somebody take?
ardnaxela May 2020
sweetheart
if you're street smart..
you'll never have to worry
about these ****** playing you
I've had my fair share of
bug-a-boos
thinking they can impress me
with a band or 2

the price of *****?
same as the price of happiness
just depends on who you're asking..
Unpublished draft from January 2019.
ardnaxela May 2018
A love like yours
Is impossible to find
What’s that I say?
IMPOSSIBLE to discover
Why that I say?
Because this love of yours
Is mine, all mine.
For no one else,
it could be.
Another love like yours
I’ll never seek again
Not another day more?
Nope, not another
Because the love you give
Oh! how special it is
To have just for me
And to know this world in time
Could never replace
That, which it is
The love of a Mother
ardnaxela May 2020
I don't like
the shrill excitement of sirens
warning me of what's to come.
I would prefer
melancholy raindrops
tapping hints into my window from the sun.
I can go without a quick start
with the false hope of an emergency.
Please, just lift me gently
and promise me that there's no urgency
when you wake me for the day.
alarms just don't do it for me these days.
ardnaxela May 2020
Normally,
I am well-guarded.
When it came to you,
there was oversight.

I had walls built up to the sky.
Someone threw you a rope -
maybe it was me? Who knows,
But I allowed you to climb
the bricks of my mind,
meticulously placed and cemented with time.
I even went out my way and laid
a ladder against the other side.

A struggle indeed,
but you mastered the feat.
But then there was trouble
when you got to the peak..
I don't know
maybe you got too high.
Maybe I'm just
too consumed with fright.
I don't know,
but you hesitated.
Then you tripped.
In a panic, I kicked
away the rescue
And that's when you
fell down and missed..
hit the ground - but untouched?!
So then guess what?
You got up and brushed
away the debris..
Not even a scratch;
only my soul was crushed.
I'm left in defeat and
even more shattered trust.
Because
yes, I am guarded
but I've already shown you too much.
it was good until it wasn't.
ardnaxela Sep 2021
a new Beginning
unexpected yet welcome
this fresh sight of Love.
Day 1. What are you happy about these days?
ardnaxela Dec 2022
Historical-ly,
Black Colleges
Have been chronically
underfunded,
unacknowledged,
Hell -
Unappreciated.

Black culture curates
Common culture.
Black coins buy
Booming business -

Black universities
Breed
Brilliance, Undeniably.

Understand

Black children

Contain unrelenting
Capacity,
Cause upheaval -

Controlled, creative
Chaos;
Coerce
Change.

History
Continues.

Heads held high -
Commemorating heroes.

Celebrating

Hope-
Bravery-
Coexistence-
Unity-
Hope-
Bravery-  
Coexistence-  
Unity-    
Healing-Balanced-Charismatic-Unequivocal-ly

Colorful


Blacknes­s.
HBCUs are an essential commodity to a significant facet of our population. Protect them at whatever cost.
ardnaxela Jun 2018
You want me to
write my heart out on my sleeve,
then pull the thread,
unravel it,
patch it up,
then again,
then cut that arm off
and burn it.

Shovel my thoughts
into tidy piles,
then spill the milk
and muddle them up
then sop 'em up and
mop 'em up
'til I'm left with blurred lines.

Stuff my feelings in a jar,
toss them with ingredients
that don't mix
rollie pollie
with a dab of Ranch
and it's all ****** up.

Y'all want the key
to my mind -  
an old closet that leads to
a tunnel that leads to
the grave of my buried thoughts.

I opened the door
and I was pushed from behind
then told to "lead the way".
To "find the truth
in all your ways" -
one arm out
reaching in the dark;
a ******* a mission,
searching for her heart...

I fell in a hole.
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
It started to rain,
I was surrounded by mud.
The door closed.
Which one of you all
care to open it again?
3-25-18, 10:35 pm
ardnaxela Feb 2020
the Rose that grew from concrete...
the delicate face
of a fragile beauty...
guarded by some tough exterior -
dutifully unacknowledged.
indeed, achieved a great a feat
but still
buried underneath their feet.

everyday trodden;
not once a chance to thrive -
effects of a circadian stampede.
A Rose
that grew for a simple life,
but the beauty within had died.

Her leaves she let wilt,
took every blow she was dealt -
dull thorns now to speak for.
color drained with a droopy stem,
wishing away dark clouds
so then maybe
she would
See more.

Rose.
could she have had it all?
her existence left her nothing.
party of one and the place is full of Rocks.
a stand-alone soldier in a grave situation;
the hurt wouldn't stop coming;
should we pray for such mercies?
she figures...

no singular mercy could unseal her fate
the blade of society is sharp and
against her soft petals it continuously scrape

...when you've felt one pain you've felt them all.
senseless emotions
trigger moisture in the stigma
finally a drop of color -
to the concrete it would fall
rich red
like the Flower
that once cracked those gray walls.
I was inspired to take poetry seriously by Tupac. The Rose That Grew from Concrete - the first poem of his I read. This poem was inspired by that one, and emotions I was feeling about myself, my relationship and others around me at the time. This was originally written in 2015. Thanks for reading.
ardnaxela May 2018
Yesterday
I thought about you.

    I remembered how excited you were
to see me; I remembered
    how happy you were
to see me those years before.
   Life's a little different now
but, that doesn't stop you -
    from reaching out,
letting me know that
    you're still there
and I feel your touch, I swear I do
    even when I know you're not there.
Right now, I'm afraid I'm all alone.
    It feels so different here.
Sometimes it hurts, sometimes too much
    without you being here.

Today
I miss you.
5/20/18 12:37pm
ardnaxela May 2018
5/16/18 2:50 am

Why'd you leave me all alone when
you knew I needed help?
At least stay and lend a hand with
all these cards I've been dealt;

You know I can't shuffle.

How can you ask if I'm alright when
you know the lie before it leaves my lips,
and you still ******* believe it then
blow my steam off with a kiss

Like that's supposed to sweeten the trouble.

You say you're there for me and
you are, if only just for show....
With my emotions you get it wrong
You actually listen when I tell you no.
I don't want you here. I don't want you near -

You go right with it then.

How'd you leave me crying in the doorway
knowing I'd only shut myself in?
My depression is my guilty pleasure
How could you condone my sin?
ardnaxela Jan 2019
hey pretty girl
you know you're a beauty right?
the world can see it
and that's a fact
but is your own reflection
within your line of sight?

a special girl
you are indeed
this world is so lucky
to have you, please believe..
to yourself you seem less than
to what I would deem as perfection.
I just thought I'd let you know.
ardnaxela Dec 2020
I think it's more hurtful because now
I know I was never heard and
the words I said
didn't really mean much.
Seems you had your own idea
in your head
about who I really was and
handled me as such.
Made a mistake, no doubt.
But really we both did.
But it's worse because I'm a woman -
I guess -
That's what I get
for being so naïve again;
More fantasies to undream,
more feelings to forget.
12-9-20
ardnaxela Sep 2018
See
I was about to leave
but then you looked at me.
I felt it a challenge.
Suggestively
the beast in me
was roused.
*
I needed to taste your courage.
I needed to wrap my hands
around your passive aggression,
grasp your hot air..
I needed to feed off your energy
I needed your soul to
inhale it and make it mine
**
You told me so with your eyes.
I needed
to see.
And now
I'll never leave.
Leo, meet Virgo.
ardnaxela May 2019
You ever felt like the Moon
was crying with you,

An existential just-because
Imagining if your existence never was
The type of feeling
it would be difficult to explain..

An amber crescent set low in
a mass of darkness
A lone candle to bring
Life to the shadows of pain

Tell me have you ever
felt the Moon cry too?
4:40 am
ardnaxela Apr 2019
Soft cries -
dreadful token.
Harsh lies -
misspoken.
True friends -
except imposing.
Inequality -
overloading.
Pain-killers -
welcome overdosing.
Brought up
heart-broken.
Love dies -
however still hoping.
ardnaxela May 2021
Soft cries -
dreadful token.
Harsh lies -
misspoken.
True friends -
except imposing.
Inequality -
overloading.
Pain-killers -
microdosing.
Brought up
heart-broken.
Love dies -
however,

Still hoping.
edited and reposted from April 2019 because current circumstances have expressed a need..
ardnaxela Jun 2018
I tripped along the railroad tracks
trying to escape from your trespasses of my trust;
trotting t'wards that treasure I hid
on a trail beyond those trees there.
Triggered by treachery, the truth in these tribulations
trialed and errored and transformed..
Tricky triumph, trifle *****.
I tripped along the railroad tracks.
sometimes love makes us clumsy.
ardnaxela Mar 2019
Your love is
mesmeric like
smoke rising off
the lake in the soft
moonlight.
gentle and tranquil.
ardnaxela May 2018
you don't love me
yet
but i know how to make you
i'll hold the hand
used to wipe your ****
watch me
turn mine to tissue.
ta-da!


bet you want me now baby.
ardnaxela Jul 2020
cemented in my position in opposition of lonely terrors
lonely terrors come at night, until they just watch from the shelf
from the shelf they contemplate and wait in their complacency
their complacency preys aimlessly under stars on barren souls
souls so cold have no energy source no life
Life gone stone - a victim of the Demented
demented are the intentions of the barren soul, to self-destruct conflicted and cemented
cemented in my position in opposition of lonely terrors
monsters i created myself
“Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm. ”
― Robert Louis Stevenson
ardnaxela Jan 2019
I used to love it when you


Wait.

Or how about how you





No.


You know what













Never mind.
thank u, next
ardnaxela May 2020
and if that diamond ring turns brass
and I'm forced to go through the looking glass
what the **** do you expect me to see?

i've been trying to turn a blind eye
to the images of my tv
but when i turn on my phone
they're still reflected back at me

i only wanted to take a selfie
now i'm getting clowned on IG
cause of that fake *** diamond ring
and you wonder why my mentality
isn't quite what they'd call "happy"
unpublished draft from April 2019
ardnaxela Jun 2018
Pretty, pretty

Blue Bird.
I'll bet you no one's heard

that lovely song you like to sing
when you think no one's
listening.

Listen, Listen!

Angels here.
The silent winds drew near..

I'd wished they set your music free
forever to drift
back to me.
when I saw the beauty in your sadness.
ardnaxela Oct 2018
As the stars would have it
the time is now to choose..

Favoring souls made in kind
to take flight
and conquer the night.
A single heartbeat on Eternity's
lifeline

A rhythm ripped in passion,
A beat made steady on the clashin'
of dual energies.
When our symphony resides...
A hush -
Come to me now.

Some perfect harmony...
Conducted by the Universe.
Composed in the signs.
Preserved in the stars.

The wonder we have found
ourselves lying in
could be magic or myth.
or both if and only if....

No bother, I'm arrived
and have come to oblige
My options concise

I've no choice rather than
eternally love you.
do you believe in soul mates?
ardnaxela Apr 2018
4/29/18 5:47 pm

I wish you wouldn't blame yourself
For those memories I'll never get
I wish you wouldn't flinch so much
At dinner
when the conversation
meanders to my name
I wish my happiest moments
were shared with some of yours
I wish my accomplishments the same
I wish you could make a guilt-free trip
To see me.
I wish when I smiled
Your soul would adhere and do as such
I wish those times when I was knocked off balance
Your love would have been my crutch
I wish in our text messages there was no distance
I wish phone calls between us existed
I wish my existence didn't make you so uncomfortable.
Pops
I wish you would have gotten to know me
I wish you could have helped to paint my canvass
I wish you knew I'm not upset
I wish it wasn't too late
ardnaxela Mar 2019
Something wasn't sitting right with us...
like a void that never filled.
I was almost oblivious to the pain of
deep cuts that never healed.
A moment of clarity I needed
my conscience to reveal..
Something told me to leave -
I keep my third-eye peeled..
your intuition will rarely steer you wrong. if it isn't right, your heart will feel it and your mind will try to mask it. free your heart, open your mind and

...

unfinished btw
ardnaxela Feb 2019
I wanna see you fly.
Not because you have wings
but rather,
all the ones who said
you'd never do such a thing.
ardnaxela May 2020
It's silent
screams of delight.
It's hidden
blushes behind a hair swipe;

It's wanting
to always get it right.
It's having
not to think twice.

Loving you

It's like a test -
It's like
the breath
before you roll the dice;

Why can't I even
think of you
without my chest
getting tight?

Loving you is pressure.

Will my love even suffice?
Alexa, play 'Hard Place' by H.E.R.
ardnaxela Jul 2018
When I'm asking why
you love me
I'm really asking
why the wind blows

at this point.

The only answer
you couldn't explain;
How can your sun still shine
in the midst of my rain?
These unsaid things
are better off said,
because you forgave me
for everything but to you

I couldn't allow the same.

A patience for distress
I'll never understand;
A slow burning candle
in a sea of darkness..

My small light of hope

dancing in the wind.
How is this possible?
The one thing I can explain -
the reason you love me,
those answers must be the same.
Siri couldn't tell me either.
ardnaxela Oct 2020
You are never
clear with me
about
What it is you want.
I always have to guess.
Is this just a game to you?
Is my heart a play thing;
somewhere for you to make a mess?
Or
maybe it's a dream
meaning
It's all made up
And I should wake up.

I want to
Give you
All
Of me.
But I gotta know
You want me
I
Gotta know you
Need me
Know that
You can complete me.

I'm ready to become
Whole again

tired of


Splitting


Up
;

tired of

trying

  To

   Piece

    Back

Bits of my soul,
Fragments
S h a t t e r e d by senselessness.

blacked in sin.

I need my peace back.
I don't like to ask
But
I hate to guess
I'm wondering -
Can you be that?
And if not, just say so.
ardnaxela Sep 2018
Ev’ry body should
Feel a little bit worthless
Perhaps failure would
Then hurt just a little less
ardnaxela May 2019
simplicity is
to just exist.
simplicity is
to just be.
we all are born
simple
aren't we?
children are the masters
of flexibility
to make anything
their play thing
and just let things
happen naturally
how much fun does
the world seem through
the eyes of a kid who
sees a world free
of complexity?
&  we r the masters of complexity
.. when does simplicity escape thee?
ardnaxela Jul 2020
Poetry starts like rain .
With one drop
It hits your body
You can feel it in your bones and muscles
And you have little time to prepare
But you know a storm is coming...
You can rush to get ahead of it
...You could try and block it altogether
But why not just take your time with it?
You could just see it through to the end.
ardnaxela Dec 2020
Because when the fire comes
there is no
                  resurrection;
only demolition and decay.

If you are in its path
when the fire comes,
trust me.
There is no turning back.

   You must face the heat
that you think you seek.
   How long did you play?
   How long did you dance in the flames
   before you realized they too
would embrace
                You
And make a mockery of all those silly games..
Why is it so fun playing with fire? Seriously.
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