I told her to map her problems
because i would travel the world to fix them
It was true
I couldn't stand the pain she was facing

I found her on an Island
the silence was deafening
she was alone an frightened,

I found her in the city
the bright lights blurred everything
She was clutching her chest
she was all alone an frightened,

I found her on the shores
the sea was screaming for help
she was  shaking
she was clutching her chest
she was all alone an frightened,

I bundled her up. I held her tight. I told her to close her eyes.
Everything will be alright

So, I took her home.

staring cold eyes
cut my skin in two
a shrill siren blares
there touching
mapping my skin
my eyes surrender to the black

fake exuberant smiles
prepare to tantalize me- shackles and all
my lungs are quitting
there sweet laced tone seems to get louder and louder
my hands are erratic

my fake smile is long gone
there patience has been buried

I'm a part of the bland walls
and the midnight silence
h o p e l e s s

I'm crying
because I understand now
I let you go
why
I was afraid together we would go places
I could never go alone
and that scared me

and now I feel horrible
I'm lonely
it's my fault
I had you
but now you have her
oh, what did I do?

was it a dream or was it real
did your fingertips trail mine
were you happy with me
cuz now all i see is anger in your face
your muscles tense
shoulders shield your neck
i never wanted to hurt you
somewhere on the border line
that's all i ended up doing

I'm scared**
when I lie awake
to the creak of the floorboards
rustle of the bushes
the walls that seem to call my name

and even  
right under the bright sun
when every single flaw
and all the pain I feel
shines
all in front of there eyes

and the honest truth is
I don't know how to smother the fear
lock it inside
transform into the strong person
they make me to be

so that's why I cry
and why I be-little who I am
I speak in little phrases
and hide behind my friends

and I wonder
because
shouldn't seventeen years and counting
have
toughened my bones
smoothed the edges
of a life I was supposed to lead?

If I had a son
I'd want him to take a step back
appreciate the view
I'd want him to be cautious
yet always curious

If I had a son
I'd want him to love
give his all to someone spirited as him
I'd want him to explore
feel the currents of earth rush through his hair

If I had a son
I'd want him to remember me
because as his dreams get bigger and bigger
I know I'd have to take a step back

So if I had a son
I'd hope that
we'd always love- as one.

I had a guy that loved me unconditionally
he'd have moved any obstacle that got in my way

I had a guy that wanted the world for me
he'd have had the loudest voice in a crowd of cheers

I had a guy
he was mine, and I was his

then his days got shorter
& I got harder for him to see

by the end I was a figmant of his imagination
as he was of mine

I had a guy
but now all I have is myself
& I'm wondering how I'll ever let another guy in

you said i was amazing
was I
like the first breath a baby takes
like the first snowflake to fall
like the butterfly that breaks out of its cocoon
or was I
an illusion
a dream
you wished
to have

I'm the pair of shoes to your feet
I'm an umbrella to the pouring rain
I'm the fan to the sweltering heat
I'm an answer key to your questions
I'm the sunglasses to your nightmares
But most importantly
I'm the hero in your dreams

It's a mystery to you-
how many moments I spend crying,
seconds closing my eyes,
hoping to disappear

when you call  later
your voice is vivid against the black shadows
of my thoughts

you're a nice friend
asking me how I am.
"I'm fine, I'm always fine"
I say

It's a mystery to you-
how many days I go without company,
hours spent listing my flaws

when you visit later
I'm shocked; You're brighter than I thought

you're a nice friend,
asking me how I am.
"I'm fine, I'm always fine"
I say

and if I see you analyze me
I put on a smile-
*I'm okay, don't you see

If he ever wondered about me
I would want him to know
That smile on my face- it's fake
In fact
Most of the time
tears cascade down my cheeks
And when i studied the ground
That was because I didnt want him to see
One look in my eyes
Thats all it would take for him to
realize how weak I truly am

I'm the four year old girl
who pointed to the funeral home and said, "that's where my dad lives"

I'm the five year old girl who stopped speaking all together
who rather have them figure her out than let them know, her world is cracked

I'm the ten year old girl
whose seen every kind of doctor, yet still not okay

I'm the sixteen year old girl
who has made progress, her world is coming together, but somewhere along the way she lost the most important piece


I'm the girl who wants to sleep, fall into the total darkness

but I'm the girl who won't give up
and somewhere out there
is the boy who will be happy I used my stubborn ways

*someday

I try too hard
I make you want to leave
when all I want for you is to stay

I cry too much
I give you headaches
when all I want for you is to dry my tears

I complain too much
I make you scream
when all I want is your warm embrace

in the dead of night
you've finally got away

I'm too numb
I can't feel a thing
even when I lost control

all I wanted was to be your 'want'
and amongst the white walls
sterile scent
I'm realizing maybe
you were right

I was just too much

I'm waiting for that person
who they claim will take all my fears away
wrapped in their embrace
what does the ground feel like I'll say
i wont remember those times
level with the dirt

but

i don't agree
these theories need to face reality
for not a soul should change themselves for me
think of thyself before the one they meet
surely little old me
would only leave a scratch on their pure skin
not a chill
portrayed by the famous
in those fictional movies

why do i want to hide
when its always been in my eyes
for        
you
and
your
light
touches
to
see

am I trash to you?
because at 3 am when the moon is at its highest peak
the white noise is breaking down my walls
my throat is raw
screams shatter the pillow, beneath my tear stained cheeks

I wonder
what it would be like to be with you
to hear your unsure words
see those crystal eyes meet mine

but it's 3 am
and I'm alone
And I know the answer

You tell me no
You scold me,
scream at me,
give me all the pain you've got.
But,
I told you I could endure it all,
and now I need to test my strength.
Mark my words
your pain is
all mine, equally so.

We are a pair
don't you remember
interlocked chains of silver and gold
you told me
we held each other together

now you're frayed
and losing time
I need to remind you
I'll succumb without you

so let me be our strength
guide us towards the sun
trust me
together- we've already won.

her gaze was that of a baby deer
and all around, hunters
rifles pointed straight at her
ready to blow

flee
that's all she had to do

and
in those moments
her legs forgot how to move
each step the hunter took closer
pounded

but she didn't get shot
mother was always there to scream
make sure she got out safe

its only when the leaves crunch beneath her feet
the sun settled ahead
she wondered

one day shes gonna run out of time

and her shortcomings will be the laugh of the game

I'm sitting at your bedside
I want to stay here forever
just so you know I care

with each tick of the clock
my feet itch to discover the halls
and my eyes can't quite meet yours

and I wish
I could say
tell you
because
I care, I do

its always been me
stubborn
I'm as good as a wave
there to greet and comfort you
then the pull inside of me gets in the way
I can only last so long

but I'll be back again

never forget

I care, I do

She spoke in a tone that was jagged to the ears of the many that stood beside her.

A weak pen with little to no ink, that's all she is.

It would hit a knick and it would fail to glide seamlessly across the paper, but nonetheless it would endeavor the battle to write.

And she would do the same.

Her eyes scurried over the many faces watching her.

This was her time to speak.

She knew in a few minutes time the crowd would no longer acknowledge her, and there feet would grow tired, and there minds would be filled with the future.

And so she continued.

The paper was already waiting; all she needed to do was try.

I've been to tired to speak
whats the sense
when all you do is judge me
I've been to tired to meet your cerulean eyes
for one look
and I'll be wishing you wanted me
I've been to tired to follow you
your musky scent so strong
but it's all wrong
you'll only leave me with grief

I miss sitting beside one another
I'd be studying notes that  took me hours to prepare
and then you'd casually
avert your eyes to my work- wanting to know what exactly I'm studying
You didn't care about the friends behind you
It was me, and it was you

it doesn't matter now

I used to wonder what you thought of
the full page of definitions on the circulatory system
I used to wonder what you thought of me

it doesn't matter now

I wanted you to be intrigued
I wanted you to say something

But, I didn't- I couldn't talk to you
So if I couldn't talk to you, maybe you really didn't
want to talk to me

it doesn't matter now

I wish I had the confidence like some girls do
Maybe something between us
would've happened

but now it's in the past- it doesn't matter now

All I have left are the notes
and the memory

And,
I have to keep refreshing the memory
because I don't want to lose that to
I can't bear to let that (not) matter

I want a father
simple as that

it makes me feel guilty
wanting another man to take your place
but sometimes I think
having a father in my life is the only way
I'm going to feel okay
that maybe with a strong man
in my life
I'll suddenly be confident
and I won't be afraid
of being the last one awake
and I won't be afraid
when another man talks to me

I want a father
it's simple as that

My edges are jagged
My steps to small
My voice can't project
Their voice is strident
Their steps could overpower us all
They're crystal clear
No they wouldn't break at all
Just little me

vibrant colors
sparkling lights
ground shaking
heart pounding


you appear

why in this chaos

do my eyes focus

locked in my sight
you're all I want

clutch my chest
as if I could do anything
I'm too late
you're here

as if i ever could have done anything
you met me
now everything is history

hope
itching, tearing through your skin
your eyes twinkle
reflect
lead the way
somewhere along
your legs
or was it your mind
stop
detest
I almost crash into you
send you spiraling below
and if
i could never move on
cuz even without your sparkling orbs
all the light in the world would be broken
same,
as my gentle, confused, heart
but your beside me
and i reach
gentle touch
together the way can be found
one day the sparkle will be alive again
and I'll no ive been right all along
you're strong

When she was three years old,
they took a hot metal lettering
and placed it against her skin.

She was branded,
labeled for everyone to see.

She whimpered for hours
through the tears and agony,
the word slowly sank in.

Now a man
wants her to trust him.
She hides the word
but she knows he can see.

Its all she's every been,
all she's ever felt,
all she's ever known.

She traces the word,
feels the pain,
as if the steaming metal
was being placed on her flesh
over and over again.

He takes her hand
leads her through the dark.

But in the light
how can she trust him?

She's always going
to be lacking,
always going to be branded
'fatherless'.

When you're born,
your life is mapped out
with a jigsaw puzzle.
Every year another piece fits,
sometimes you gain several pieces
all at once,
and sometimes you misplace a piece
only to find it once again.

But, no matter what,
your life will complete the puzzle.

When I was three,
one of my puzzle pieces was destroyed.
They told me, I'd never get
another one to fit.
So there I was through the years,
filling a jigsaw puzzle, that we all knew-
would never be complete.
And I thought, what was the point?

Eventually, I found a calm-
so strong that not even the mightiest tide
could disrupt its' way.
I no longer thought of that destroyed puzzle piece,
instead I wrote and I sang,
and the sun was always calling my way.

I will never have a complete jigsaw puzzle,
and that's a fact.
But, I learned-
that doesn't mean I can't manipulate
the pieces I do have,
and create something-
just for me.

she is perched on his bed above the covers
he can feel her weight on his tired limbs
she doesn't understand
he can't keep his eyes open long enough to truly see
she smiles for the flash
he treasures his last few hours

her thumb traces his silhouette
doesn't remember this time
no voice
or mannerism  to match him
all she has is this Polaroid candid

and years later
she still doesn't understand
why he had to leave

to the guy who stole everything
for quite some time I watched the people
the places around me
always was I quick to hide
but now
I'm learning how to drive
apply pressure to the gas
leaves everything behind
press lightly on the brake
so you don't crash into the boulder blocking the path
hold on tight to the steering wheel
you don't want what you have to disappear

to the guy who stole my everything
i guess you never learned how to drive
or maybe somewhere along the way
you let your hands leave the steering wheel
or maybe your foot slipped off the brakes

to the guy who stole my everything
i hope by the end
maybe just maybe
you'll remember the day you were taught to drive

Endless thoughts,
anxiety obsessed with me,
dark clouds,
sadness taunting me

These are the things
I'm still learning to escape

to the mother who was my shield
the grass beneath my feet
through the rain and sleet
when all I could think about was letting go

to the mother who watched from the sidelines
you knew when to let me go
when I was at balance
and ready to compete

to the mother tucked in the overwhelming sheets
frail and small
the wires that measure your heart beat
now I watch
I smile

I've finally learned how to let go
I've finally learned when to let go
When you're gone
I think
I'll be okay

I'm a stray
why don't they
pull me in an question
demand answers

i want to plea
tell them
everything
but their eyes
the way they go along with me

as if
it's okay to be this way

I don't understand
somehow
little by little the pain hurts less and less
but that never stops the tears streaking from my eyes

they still watch and nod
give me praise on my shoulders
but there not fixing the cracks
the ones lining my heart

I'm back again
the me that cries
nights spent sitting up  
eyes watching nothing


I'm back again
the me that lost the will to fight
classrooms, bustle with gossip
students trying,
barely awake
eyes blurry
I wish I had no more time

I'm back again
the me that feels the tile beneath my knees
throat raw
distant voices- happy, alive
eyes deceiving
I can feel the time getting shorter and shorter

I'm back again
the me who is restrained
anxiety more severe, pounding on my chest
eyes closed
I know they turned back the clock
sentenced me with more time

I'm back again
the me who has to find the right way
path or no path
life has been given to me

sitting in the trees
hidden from the world
she felt a calm essence that even the strongest winds
mightiest hurricane
couldn't dare break
when
the calm was ripped from her hands
gentle thoughts
lost
she saw him
and she knew

he was the reason
and how
this mysterious boy
shades the darkest of black
covering his emerald eyes
could
push her down
amongst the leaves on the ground
now she waited for him to walk across her

they always do

I've been trying
trying  for so long

you've been crying
I've been screaming
why won't you listen to me
I've been like this for hours

now you're leaving
I can't stand
my legs, rooted to the ground
fog casting my eyes
you're gone

I told you no
no, I will help you
no, I will do everything I can
but you didn't listen

searching, grasping for something,
I remember
the minute our eyes met- they warned me
I thought I could make you listen
but now I'm alone- hoping I can be the one
to hear from you

My voice is not strong
and for that
no one understands
what- I'm really saying

They don't hear the apprehension
in my tone
or  how each syllable
leaves my mouth the same way
a baby bird leaves their nest- fast an daring

and now
I'm telling my story
and there paying attention


yet they still don't understand
they peer, and they criticize
write notes
nod in understanding

but there not really *listening

how many more words
more pages
capital bold letters
lives
hearts
are we going to ruin
tear apart
till we realize
from the beginning we were
in this
for
ourselves

I told my brother on the first of May
if the tidal waves swallow me whole
if the bags beneath my eyes darken
my weaknesses start to show
don't let my past grow

I said don't you understand
the flower can only flourish for so long
until its time
to be
eternally gone

a week later my brother wrapped his arms around my bare back
he told me
even beyond the time
my heart beats
and my thoughts flow
I will love you
*your spirit will always grow

we tear ourselves apart
let the fears
things we can't grasp
twist us
abandon us

and when the world comes to push us together again
we forget
the path
the feeling
we once had

that simplicity
of being whole

Love is the air in an elevator with no limits.

late night I wrote a poem for you
it goes a little something like this

you left
I hurt
you came back
I kicked you to the dirt
now there calling me a *****
and your laughing through your tears
I won't let you leave again
and I won't let you forget
I ached for you
I trembled at night
now you deserve to hurt

I'm throwing this poem in the lake
sobs breaking through
if only I could hurt you
but I can't- I love You