you can feel flooding your
chest like a tsunami
you can hear in the pauses
on your rainy-days playlist
you can see in the cracks in
the pavement
you can smell in the blown
out candles
you can taste in the bitterness
of your lonely morning coffee

Shirtless, barefoot, and
reeking of self-loathe;
he sat in silence
at the edge of his mattress.
Studying the black
lettering on the face of
the prescription bottle
through bloodshot eyes.
His name indicated in bold
just above the RX number.

Aloud he read the words
Amphetamine Salts
To the layman- adderall:
A quick fix for your
run of the mill '*****-up'.
But to him it meant yet
another night without sleep.
One more night away from his demons.
Without the crippling nightmares;
The reoccurring remembrance
of events no longer (if even ever)
within his immediate control.
Glancing over at the clock-
counting quickly on fingers,
he’d figured it’d been about
sixty-four hours since his last sleep.

The lack of rest accompanied by
excessive alcohol consumption,
was making things hazy.
Days bled into one another.
His eyes started playing tricks.
Now sitting up straight,
he applied pressure to the
childproof lid, and twisted.
Plunging his fingers into the bottle,
removing two more pills,
he held them for a moment—
Then, with the help of a
flat, warm, beer swallowed
another twelve guaranteed
hours without sleep.

Laying back, legs hanging
off the edge of the bed
muscles aching,
stomach growling,
eyeballs burning;
content in knowing
he'd die before ever
facing that dream again.

Part one: mixed signals, shivers down my spine and dancing bunnies in my tummy, singing some sort of lullaby

Part two: your fingers reach for my hand, I hold my breath wondering, if this feels like dancing with storms.. how dangerous would it be if your lips reached for mine?

part three: Exchanging thoughts, we find comfort in the cave our words lead us to, no one has ever been here before

part four: burying my flushed face in my pillow.. I'm frightened.

part five: I think I'm falling, drowning, but since when does suffocating feel this good? I drown deeper, waves dance to our heartbeats

part six: What is happening?

part seven: it hits us that we need to leave everything behind for we don't belong to this place or among these people, we're stuck in a place where walls speak, ceilings disappear when stars appear for them to share their stories for us, tiny rocks keeps reminding that no one will ever find us unless we want to when we shouldn't

We agree on not existing, we're lost, we disappear to not find each other on the same path, waves cheated on us for they want a new song to dance on, our heartbeats wasn't the right one they claimed, I still look for you for suffocating doesn't feel so good now that it's near death, drowning deeper looking for pieces of you finding nothing but signs

signs ask me to stop digging and to look beyond the shore for once

And so I do, to find you flying someone else with the wings you asked me for, I believed the lies the waves tried to drown me with

Give it up now

Fifteen: it's alright, isn't happiness one of the things we tended to seek in each other anyway. It's alright, I'll keep in mind how suffocating felt so good once upon a time. It's alright, I'll learn to grow my own someday.
It's alright, we are alright. Everything is alright. Or is going to be soon..

Hello, I know it's way too late but can I call you dad?
  It hits me when someone mentions your name and I feel the need of that rare hug of yours that could bring the dead back to life, ironically..
I miss you terribly, I can hear you laughing at me right while I'm writing you this, you would laugh that laugh of yours when one of your siblings make a really bad joke, or when your mother hints about how cigarettes are bad for you and that you should quit smoking. I'm sorry, I got drifted away, God I miss that awful laugh so much. Back to the point, you would make fun of this and I would hate it and you'd laugh that laugh and I would hate it, you'd keep the letter and I would hate it as much as I hate that you will never read this or laugh that laugh ever again. I miss you. Your memory is dragging me down again, I wish for a single day with you, just one day where I can tell you "I love you" for the first and last time, where I  thank you for making me the person I am. I'm trying my best to be the good girl you've always told me is hiding somewhere inside me, I don't think she's completely there anymore, just one day of brilliant random advises and lousy little talks about anything and everything that doesn't actually matter, just one more kiss upon your brow, just one last back pat or one last smile, one last hug, one last failed attempt to show you that I do love you, I swear to God that I regret nothing more than taking you for granted, nothing more than not showing you how much you mean to me or for realizing it a little bit too late. I hope you're where we pray to be, I hope God is showering you with more of what you've blessed us with, I hope you're happy, I hope you're happy, I hope you are happy. I miss you. I miss you terribly. Sometimes it feels like I don't have the right to say that I miss you out loud since I've never showed that I could when  you were here when everyone else did, so now everyone has the right to grieve for losing you and not being capable of showing it to you anymore, but they don't understand that  never saying or showing what they have can be way more horrible, and they wouldn't give me the chance to tell them that. I don't have the right to say it or to love you any more than they do, because I didn't when you were here, I'm sorry I didn't. I didn't know how to show it, you didn't teach me how to show it, teach me how to show it! Teach me all the things you didn't for thinking I wouldn't listen, I would've! I'm sorry I'm late. I know I'm late. I'm trying not to be late, always trying in everything, for you. I know it's late for that too but it helps with the guilt I guess.
I am emtionlly paralyzed by the thought of losing you forever.
I keep your advises close to my heart, I'll keep the memory of your beautiful mind and your pretty fake smile even closer and I bet these small thoughts are what will  keep me going, I'll be always proud of knowing someone like you. I shall grow on loving you even if it wouldn't do anyone any good, I shall pass the love you gave me to those whom deserve it. And those who don't, it's enough for all.
You will always have the biggest piece of my heart. Don't laugh at this, this is not a joke and it's okay not to laugh about it, I'll be embarrassed anyway, but it's okay. God bless your splendid soul.
Goodbye? Seems ironic as well. Goodbye.