I had a dream about you.
Tears were dancing slowly down your face.
You didn't have to tell me
I knew you were hurt.

It wasn’t over something I did.
But rather, what I didn't do.
Felt helpless seeing you upset.
Poised, but about to fall apart.

I was taken aback
When you didn't storm off.
Instead, you came forward
And wrapped your arms around me.

Laying down with me
You settled your head across my chest.
Breathing starting to ease
While I ran my fingers through your hair.

It wasn't until you fell asleep
Quietly in my arms
Did I suddenly wake up.
And you weren't there.

I've come to the realization
There will be more pain in my future.
I will be running into more hurt
Just when I wonder if I've endured
All that is to be expected.
There so much struggle
That I can't begin to imagine.
I will find myself out of breath again soon enough.
My bones.. my heart will break again
And I'll never be ready for that.
No matter how many times
I so gingerly mend myself back together.

A final cough.
The last bit of ***** escapes my lips…
Doesn't matter how much I drink.
Thoughts of you still linger

When I stumble to my car
When I veer towards home
When I finally trip onto my bed…

No matter how far I travel
Your face.. your smile..
Is right behind me.

I can't even give the next one a chance
When your ghost still haunts me..
Seven years later
And I still dream of chasing you.

Only to wake up when there's no hope left
In catching up to you.

And here I lay
Listening to the same
God. ****. song..
Fighting back tears..
For the one person I wish
Was standing next to me tonight
Is most certainly locking lips
Holding on tightly
To someone else
Because they were ready.
They didn't have any shell
To cast off like I do.
They didn't need someone
To give them a hand
And help them up to their feet.
Not a question in my mind
You went to sleep tonight nuzzled
Deep in their chest
Peacefully asleep
Knowing you were loved.

And here I am
Wondering how long
Would it take
For a heart to break
From just enough broken heartstrings.
For I've lost count
As to how many
******* chords were struck
And they all sang
Such a mournful melody
Wishing they were no longer struck
With such promise.
Only to break..
Over... and over again..

It could very well be
The amount of pain I'm in
Tonight.

The shortness of breath..
Struggling to swallow
One more gulp of air.

The flush red complexion
Hinting across my face, chest, and shoulders.
The years of erosion in my eyes.

I see all of this in my reflection,
And yet..
..For a fragmentary moment..

I caught the glimpse of someone I aspire to be.

Every time I think of someone
I think of them dancing.
I think of us dancing together.
And with each one they have their own dance.

I can imagine their excitement,
Their sweet laughter
And how much they are just living
The moment.

If only I knew how to dance
I wouldn't be forced to imagine
What it would be like to see them smile.
If I knew how I would dance all night.

Seems no one can prove me wrong.
And I keep tripping over myself..

Glimmer of hope falsely announces itself
And, of course, my eyes light up at the possibilities..

This time, as always, seems different..
.. As always.. I'm left naked. Vulnerable.

Beautiful surfaces reflecting
The brilliant bright light of day.
Serene landscapes capturing
What may not ever be seen again.

An artist devoted to his work of art.
A lifetime of practice
Stealing
An instant of time in his still life's.

What achievements
They have made
With their craft.
Such a shame

He's only killing himself and others with his masterpieces.

I eat the dead..
I carve up the pieces
I sink my teeth into
What. Once. Was..

Sometimes I hesitate,
But I cannot stop
This hunger that seethes
Deep down inside..

Clawing from within
Demanding I appease
Its voracious needs
And uncontrollable hatred

I've become something
I wish not to be.
No one can have sight
Of this display of submission.

Deep down there is but only one fear..
Never finding my next victim.
Unable to consume their flesh.
Thus I must consume my own.

Another night..
Another needless reminder
Of how damaged I came to be.
There's no chance of living a human life.

The same irreverent breathing
Just won't stop (me) while I sleep.
Another graceful sunrise I face
Means I have to deal with one more day of strife.

Showering in torrents of confusion.
Bones breaking beneath the guilt.
******* regret consuming the very
Morals I thought meant something.

Were my motives unclear
Even to me?
Only I am to blame
For yielding to my mental state.

I can't even trust myself.

I can't even love myself.

I don't even know myself.

Whose eyes are those in the mirror?

And just like that...
Those impenetrable walls
Of Confinement
Writhed out from under the infertile soil.

So long was it
The process
Of removing such
Obstructions

.....For what??

Only to be reaffirmed
There is no room for
Comfort.
Not when I am breathing.

I would much rather be playing
In traffic.
Than to face the insults
I was so battered with this evening.

Want to know how callous
A life can be?
Carry my kind of heart
For any length of time.

You will most certainly lose any sight of hope
Even in yourself.

No one should feel shamed to the point of obscurity.
To be unexpectedly torn to pieces by someone you admire
For the sake of self preservation.

When you're thrown under the bus
By someone you thought you could confide in.
-It's humiliating.

Reducing you to a standard below human.
Eyes piercing straight through me
...When she managed to even look my way.

Her features
As beautiful as ever.
Hurt and angry at what she was having to do..

..To me.

Not at all interested
In the dialogue. Didn't care.
I wasn't part of the bigger picture.

I don't blame her.

"Don't you even start."
As my eyes glazed over
With burning tears.

I already couldn't breathe.
"If you start crying,
then I'll start to cry."

All that I knew to say
That she would even believe
As the sheer weight of reality was suffocating me was,

"I'm sorry.

"Sorry I spoke to you two or three years ago.
I never meant to ruin anything
You had with anyone."

"-But you did.."

Walking endlessly - without reason
On the moonlit sands of the coast.
Just enough light to make out the horizon
And watch the crush of waves dance around my feet.

It's been too long since I've found myself
Here.. losing my sense of self
And remembering how small
I really, truly am.

And I wish...
With a slow, deep sigh
Oh how I wish..
She was here to share this moment with.

This is what happens when you try to play with matches.

Can't light anything
Without burning down
What's not yours.

I would loved to see
The kind of fire
We would have started..

Feels as if you were also
Intrigued
By what could have been.

But the fires you've already made
It seems,
Cannot be put out..

We were burned before we could even strike the first match.

For so long I've kept to myself
Rigid. Unyielding.
Never giving anyone a chance
To peer beyond the mental concrete.

Bleak.

Such a sweetheart you are.
And how little time it took
For for me to become
Enamored.

Disarming..

Being unable to hold it in
To readily admit
Anything so very
Delicate..

Terrifying...

Grasping the knowledge
Nothing will happen.
Just another
Heartache.

...Foolish...

What do you think happens to an animal
Caged their whole life
When they are let go?

Don't believe they find comfort
Knowing they are free.
.. They are scared.

An entire life calmly dictated
Hemmed in and tethered.
.... That's all they know.

As pleasant it would be..
To just run..
Forage for fruits on their own.

All they know is how to behave.
All they know... Is how to beg.

Whenever I look at your photographs
All I see are smiles.
I can't even see the whites of your eyes
You are so caught up in those moments..
..Living..

I wish I knew what that felt like.
Sure, I have a heartbeat.
But it never skips like yours.
It doesn't flutter with excitement
When something special is taking place.

That's because nothing special exists
Not in my world.
My skin doesn't radiate.
My words do not spread hope..
Not like yours.

I can't deny the fact my
Face contorts into what
You may call a smile,
It's only fleeting.
Flickering..

It's useful when you don't want to..
.. intrude.

The ringing hasn't stopped
Even though it's all silent now

Eyes are weary from the lights.
Back is aching from every embracement.  

The only person I looked forward to seeing
Didn't show up tonight.

Slightly numb. I wonder
If you even remember my name. My face...

I wish I could lock lips with you.
I wish I could simply love you.

Screen is cracked.
Just happened the other day.

But my heart has been like this
For some years now.

Someone else asked for my number tonight.
Despite her apparent beauty I told her not to bother.

"I am just an empty vessel.."
They seemed appalled. But I just shrugged.

I've been told before
How big of a heart I have

But as I've done before
I just shrug off all the worthless comments.

No need to flatter me
With empty words.

I'll never see you again.
And I'm OK with it.

As the twilight starts its dance with the shadows,
My limbs silently break from their tin man sentencing.
Hanging from the ceiling in ornamentation,

Only to be ignored. That is,
Until everyone goes to bed.
I'm in the child's room overlooking the balcony.

Just before he goes to sleep
He lays there staring. Paralyzed.
For he knows I am alive.

As the shadows creep further
Through the windows my body
Becomes the more freer.

He thinks I can't leave my perch..
I wait until his eyes are closed.
It never takes long.

Just wait for that little pulse of his to stop galloping.

Standing in a corner
Back turn towards the light.
Focused on the rhythmic judder.
Not of the heart, or of the soul.
For what I am feels soulless.

Hands held close to my body
My breath beats back onto my face
I'm shut in so close
To the total recess of what
My life has been reduced to.

Eyes slowly open and close
While my head dips down again.
Rises up, I stare off, and down again.
Habitually poised in shame.
Always in the end left with some sardonic understanding.

Dear god, he's so sweet! Too sweet in fact.
I don't even have to be sultry, or bat my lashes with this one.
I knew I had him when I noticed his glance
As we passed each other earlier.

He's quick too! Of course, I get told all time how pretty I am,
But they all start to flush when I tell them that's not so.
He may be quick, but he's also too quick to hand out his trust.
I know better than to do that!

He so stiff sitting like that.
He'll relax the longer I lean into him.
So still.. Normally they get courageous by now.
Better be careful, I may start to like him.

I can tell he's enjoying the attention.
Seems like he's starving for it deep down
The way he talks so openly to me.
Cute.

"I've only had two or three girlfriends."
"Two or three?"
"Well, I guess one month doesn't count as a relationship."
I don't find it hard to believe this kid.

"Better be careful," He says after a pause.
With genuine curiosity I look up at him
"I'm starting to like you."
Don't think I've met a more honest guy in my **** life!

I almost melted in satisfaction, and got ever more cozy in his arms
Right after giving him a hard kiss on the cheek -just in front of his ear.
That gave him the dumbest grin I think he's ever had.
Or will ever have.

Feeling his chest rise and fall as I lay against it almost reminds me of…
He feels so strong too.. Just like..

Stop it! I'm not here to bring back stupid memories.
He may be sweet, but every guy's the same in the end.
They all wind up leaving more than marks
On your heart and on your face..

Finally pulled his arm over my shoulder- hand nearly on my breast
Just take the bait for god's sake!
This nice guy **** can only take you so far
Gonna need some action sooner than later.

Must have been two weeks since my last romp.
****, I'm so hungry..
I wish he would just take me back to his place already..
I'm starting to get bored now.

What *****! Actually leaned in
And kissed me on my cheek
Maybe this isn't a bust after all.
"Sorry." Soon escaped his lips. - Bust.

He's too innocent. Shame.
What a ******* shame!
He could've absolutely taken me
Bent me over... anything! But.. (sigh)

He's still warm though.
I can sit here for a little longer.
But sadly, I'll be sleeping in a cold bed tonight.
Tomorrow may bring someone with more promise.

Of course I love you!
I've always loved you..

Just never loved myself.

I found out just last night
As cruel clouds were rippling in from the West
And while the sun was settling down.
Hurt, once again, started to push every other feeling out of my ******* body.

So disarming.
She took my breath away
Caressing her lips against my cheek
And lacing her fingers with mine.

Was I taken for a ride?
Was I being used?
This silence I've been given audibly says yes.
My dignity has been left marred.  

To me, this is why
This is why so many women
Will never
Find a good man.

..Do not waste my ******* time..

I need some time
To spell out the words
Associated with the feelings
That are writhing within me
Carving out some story
Onto a cement wall
The dust gets into my eyes.

The walls with which make up my room
Eventually give way
To a new dimension
As I press and carve deeper
and deeper
and deeper
The story continues
Even though there is no more time
Nor space

So I must keep carving.
My room is much bigger then whence I started
I can't find the door
and the windows have collapsed
I broke out and into a new void.
What does this mean - I do not know.

Wake up to the grinding pulse of my heart
Beating erratically
Shallow breathing and tear soaked eyes
Last I remember dreaming I was laying in a pool of blood.

You are doomed..
Doomed to repeat
All of your mother's
Mistakes.

Pitiful
You are so
Pathetic

Until you grow up
This cycle will end
Only by
The most horrible means.

And I will
Be far
Far Away

I'll be honest as well-
Depression has been with me
Even before I began my teenage years.
There have been some gleaming moments
Of happiness, but it is never long

Until the ground reveals itself as thin ice
And I fall through it.

My reaction
Every time
Is to breathe deep
We all know what would happen
If I were to stop

And I keep breathing deeper
For I know at least I'm alive.

As we stroll down the street late tonight
We see two gorgeous women
Turn the corner down the road
Side by side waiting.

They wave their hands in our direction,
And we think nothing of it.
They're absolutely beautiful
There's no question about that.

Of course they must be pining
For the attention of someone else.
Not for my friend nor I
Even though it's exactly what we would like.

Waiting our turn to cross the road
We hear a pleasant 'Hey...'
Looking across the street
They both wave at us.

I could think of nothing else
But to smile weakly
And wave back
-As I walk across the street.

My decent night has turned
Somewhat stale now
With a question.
'Why did they speak to us?'

I would love to have
Talked to them
But am terrified.
Of two beautiful girls??

Why me?
Why ruin my night like that?
Surely I will be stuck awake tonight.
But what if?

Drugs are taking affect..

As the lights are put out
Heavy lulls and sways
Arise in my steps and breath.

Care not for the dreams
On the floor
Nor food on the plate

A cerebral drift into
Nightmares and clouds..
Shadows will start to move.

The only comfort here is knowing
I'll be welcomed with open arms
And mouths

When my eyes finally draw to a close.
My flesh will be consumed
Yet again.

How am I suppose to breathe
When air keeps its distance?
How am I suppose to believe
when love runs out of existence?

I am the one
Who must live with
Myself.
Inside there is nothing.

Am I the only one
Who bites till they bleed?

Life is indeed precious
At the same time dispensable.
Just as nature intended.

I am my own crime
I am my own punishment
Thank you Theo for your kind words..
You ****.

How could we
How could you
How could I?
We are already ******.

Remember to say goodnight to your demons,
Goodnight envy
(Goodnight)
Goodnight hatred
(Goodnight)
Goodnight lust....

What happened to us?
Dante would think we lost our minds.
Scoffing and cursing.
Spitting in our faces.
His Inferno is today's Paradiso.

Where is our conviction?
In exile? A black site?
Surely not living amongst us.
We speak as if it doesn't exist.

Repent
Absolve
Proceed
Enlighten

Who is responsible for declaring women as less than?
Why did we not cut his tongue out?

Peace starts when man ends.
Indeed we are the ******* children of Gaia.

Oh.. I can.
I can show you what to be afraid of.

Your trust in anything will fall to pieces in the process.

Think my scowl is ugly?
Let me show you my smile.

I thought I was.
Sure, the separated interactions remain.
Merely a work in progress.
Outside my own actions remain quiet
Courteous.
No more feelings of nonexistence.
Stepped outside of the fence
Prematurely erected out of anxiety.
Nevertheless my steps are as careful
As they have ever been.
Regardless of what strides made
My face carries the same expression.
My eyes carry on intently at a distance.
The end of the day sees
The Same. Rhythmic. Insanity.

Almost midnight.
Walking on the beach
Close enough
Where footprints
Just
Wash away.

I wish you were walking right beside me.
Fingers laced.
The serenity.

It's beautiful looking out.
It's scary, but beautiful too.
The horizon
It's permanence.

Sadly these are the only times I look forward to the most.

I stand perfectly still when everyone else is not
When I do make any noise it's when echos are non-existent
And no one notices. Everybody is silent. Oblivious.

Might as well be a living ghost.
People frown when they notice.
I don't blame them. I blame myself.

Features are cemented in my face.
Expressions are blanketed and undetected.
I do my best to convince everybody to ignore me when they finally take notice.

As the river tempts you to cross over
back to safety
You simply are swept away
towards the many mouths of the crocodiles.

You were called to fight
You were raised for combat
You scurry with your tails tucked under.
Instead of wiping blood from your hands you scrape tears off your face.

The current stands above your heads now
Shields and spears are carried downstream
As you all grasp for retreat
Only to see your hands disappear in the mouth of Sebek.

Your brothers are disgusted.
You've embarrassed your family names
You call yourself men.
Instead of honour you cemented a legacy of shame

Splash a little water on my bourbon'
Sip and watch you get undressed.
Nothing like a quiet evening
With you ere a good night's rest.


Bold flavors fade away.
My eyes turn glassy.
You slink on hands and knees my way.
I realized tonight has just begun.

...............................................................­..

Don't remember how you got me
On the bed. Don't care.
I'm too absorbed by the wild
Dancing mane you call hair.

Orange blossom and Gardenia
Their auras leave me weak.
Tonight I don't have the strength
To fight back. Can't even speak.

Still have control of my lips at least..
I see your eyes widen and breath quicken
While you lick your lips like a beast.
Skin flares ***** as the air ceases to thicken.

..................

Someone must have slipped something in my drink.
I strangely feel that I am on drugs again..
... Where is my drink? -Oh, you found it!
And your finishing the whole glass..

..Teeth against the pavement..
Clenching down..
On broken off pieces
..Lips pierced by new shapes..

I didn't like my smile before..
Appreciated what I had though..
Seeing the colour spill
From my lips, it's embarrassing.

Stand back up.
******, get your face out of the dirt

This day isn't over.

Not exactly proud of it
Just don't have the time

No teeth or claws
Nothing really but hunger

Not begging or choosing
Just desperate for something to eat

And when we find something, anything
It becomes disgusting.

But we don't care
We don't have a choice
It's not like we will get to see
Another day

So we feed.

And we feed..

I have found many
Of whom I remember once envying
I find not the least bit interesting.

Growing up and wishing,
Wanting, yearning to know how
They carried on. Lived.

Comparing myself to everyone
Growing up- I know- is wrong.
For I was never focused on Me.

Now that same focus, finally,
Is without err where it should be.
Until now I couldn't Live.

It took me twenty four years
To understand. I am perfectly
Fine without all the answers.

Simply put, my actions merely reflect yours.
You may not remember, but that isn't important today.

Reaching out to someone only to have them look crossly
Back at you.....                        Now you know.

Let me make it clear I do not mean you any harm.
And I surely don't mean you any help..

I would like to see the day..
The day when I am excited
to wake up in the morning.

When dreams are nothing.
Nothing more
Than simple dreams.

Not an escape.

Until then all I want
Is for the sun to sleep
And never wake up.

-
One word I don't bother using.
Not to imply that it is of no value..
When I do carry it and say it, well
You know I mean it.

He feeds me his food sometimes. Even when he knows good and well I'm not supposed to have any. He gave me his bed to sleep on all day, but I share it with him when he is home. He loves to hold me close at night. Sometimes, if not all the time, I growl at him to stop bothering me to cuddle close to him. A midst my growling he just shushes me and kisses my nose.
      I've finally got him on a routine. I sit at the door and he knows it's time for a walk. I'll walk him as far as he will go. As much as I wanna trot off he insists on a quiet pace. He also likes straight lines.
      When I hear the door being unlocked I will sometimes see if it is him. Being stuck at home all day is boring, so I get all excited when he comes back. I'll nibble at his hands constantly to tell him I love him. And to play. He's good at playing when I can get him to play.
      I guess it is safe to say that without my human I would not be here. And without me he wouldn't be here either.

I woke up with the words
"I need help"
falling out of my mouth.

This is bad.
I know I need help.
Now I really need help.

I am without sanctuary..