Dark clouds overhead on this warm summer evening
Makes the green on the trees bold and heavy.
The contrast of the pale yellow skies make the clouds almost black and seething.
A slowly approaching monolith with its tendrils uncoiling. Silently.
Those Teeth and Talons buried deep into me
Whatever they belong to has itself planted to the ground.
Almost anticipating the coming storms.
Seems whatever is holding onto me
Is ready to weather what comes my way.
Despite what I've known about them this whole time.. maybe it's here for me.
Am I crazy to think this?
Whatever storm comes into view
Surely they can't tear me away.
I can feel a wind pick up.
The air getting cooler.
And the hair on my neck stands up on end.
A deep slow rumble breaks the silence.
They're not sinking in,
But they are holding fast..
Those **** Teeth and Talons
.....Bring on the deluge..
Do you remember the first night I sang to you?
When you first laced your fingers with mine?
..Our first kiss?
Do you remember when I knocked on your door with flowers?
Do you remember the first time I handed you a black envelope with a poem written for your eyes only?
The first time waking up with your head on my chest?
I remember... oh so vividly..
I didn't think I could hurt anymore
Then I finally ran into you
You brought meaning into my life.
You gave me a reason to want to rush out of bed when I awoke.
All of the troubles that held me back
My pulse came back
My smile returned.
Friends could see I was actually smiling.
The sun couldn't even radiate the warmth I possessed.
Then you walked away..
And I found myself struck with this all too familiar pain again.
That's what I hear.
That's what I believe..
That's all I feel.
That's all I receive.
Teeth.... and talons..
They sink deep
Not the first time.
Just deeper than before.
Across my skin
I bled only the first time
Only scars remain.
Tears don't break anymore
Not as often
But when they do..
..Oh, how hard do they break...
Another Fall fast approaching
Time hasn't slowed down
..Spring was such a blur..
It won't be just the leaves turning
And falling this year.
I don't know if my heart can fall
Any further than it has.
Broken and bruised
Laying in pieces on the ground.
.....I think I'll just leave it there this time...
I still think about you,
And haven't stopped
I know you're still weathering your storms.
Those clouds will pass.
I've learned enough to know
You've overcome such dark
And heavy clouds before.
As much as I wholeheartedly
Would love to see a relationship
Blossom between us..
I understand that may very well not be in the future.
Simply put, I don't want to see a future
Where you are not in it.
Even if that blossoming only goes as far
As a gentle friendship..
I am not the forgiving type.
You expect, after so many years,
You'd receive an open hand.
Don't ever suppose for
That day to crawl forward.
You were cut out of my life
Much like a malignant tumor.
..Motionlessly reduced to a phantom limb..
One that should have stopped moving long ago.
I needn't remind you
How much of a friend you were..
This time the pages just came to life..
A story I didn't think possible...
With every page turned.
Hard to believe..
This was really happening...
Waking up to the rhythmic beating
Of a happy heart
I was looking forward to reading what comes next.
...Words began to fade out once again....
...Pages... start to tear.. once again...
Another book on the shelf.
Another story without an ending
I remember the last few words cutting me so deeply.
Dreamt I went back in time and found you.
Found you standing just outside the courtyard of school.
I walked up wondering how you would take me.
To my surprise it almost seemed as if you were expecting somebody.
Your smile was big and radiant.
You didn't know who I was, yet you were delighted to see me.
I told you that you may have just met me,
but in another time we actually know each other very well.
Not a trace of concern or suspicion could I find in your eyes.
...You must have known I was coming..
The sun was shining bright.
And your laughter was intoxicating. Even in my dream.
The feeling was fleeting..
For the morning light nudged me out of slumber.
If we must suffer
Why not choose how we suffer?
I knew as soon as my emotions
Talking to you
What was bound to happen
This is how I choose to suffer.
It will hurt, yes.
But wounds heal.
With what fleeting time I have with you
If suffering is the cost... where do I sign?
Never before could I open up
To someone I immediately gravitated towards.
With you all those troubles, worries, and anxieties
They don't have such a hold over me anymore.
Again, this is how I choose to suffer..
What I think is special
When we say our goodbyes
We will part with much less Emptiness inside
Than when we first met.
Life is suffering.
...And I will suffer well..
Even in the face of all your laudations
Almost tear inducing words
It will be so terrible when you find out
What happens next..
Such praise surely would
Have tempted this man from walking off.
At least everyone in their right mind
Would have concurred.
... But that is just not so in the mind
Of someone so bull headed.
So rigid in thought.
So unyeilding in person.
Like any branch
It will let out such
An unnerving snap
When the stress proves too much.
And no one will be ready for it.
You've made so many enemies
With so many wolves.
All because you chose
To shun one of them away.
They don't even know your name,
But they bare their teeth all the same...
Seemed as if we were both reading the same book.
I knew one of us would outpace the other.
..Most likely it would be me.
I guess I am too eager to see what unfolds on the next few pages.
But for whatever reason, and with no warning, you put your book down.
The rest of the pages in my book become empty.
Flipping back and forth doesn't help.
As soon as the pages start to tear I realize I have to put mine down now.
This isn't the first story I've found where the words just disappear.
No happy ending.
No ending at all..
Just another unfinished adventure...
It's difficult for me
To keep my emotions
From running off,
And to keep my troubles
From catching up
When someone like you
You came into view
And I couldn't hold back the tears.
I embraced you with everything I had.
There wouldn't be much time if any.
I knew I was dreaming,
And I desperately wished I wouldn't wake up.
My sobbing turned to tremors.
And yet you were calm.
Felt like you knew I needed to see you again.
To tell me it was okay you were not here anymore.
The tears still burn my face as I write this all down.
Originally written October of 2020
It's so pleasing to have your breath
Just taken away
When you think that could never happen
It wasn't obvious in the beginning.
Her face gingerly held in my hand
Lips so pleasantly inviting
...And she didn't stop kissing.....
What a rush..
When I realized I needed
To take a breath.
The euphoria.. wasn't prepared for that.
The kisses kept coming
So sweetly and softly.
...And with a teasing bite of my lip she concluded,
"Now go home."
She must have known not to spoil me
Anymore and I would have had trouble leaving.
Barely-there ripples danced across my skin.
With one more gentle kiss and a quiet smile I had bid her goodnight.
Without a Queen
What is a crown
To a King?
"Just another storm outside," she sighed.
The windows quietly rattle
From the distant thunder,
And the panes softly reflect
The obscure taps of raindrops.
The storm is of no importance.
Relaxed, she continues writing
Engrossed in the life
The storm would not shake..
..Nor could it tempt her back..
Her thunder was more marvelous than this storm could ever invoke.
My skin is hard and weathered
As is the asphalt that lays bare
And bleached by the sun's rays.
Your words are the childish chalk
Scribbled across and littering the road
Right in front of our home
And your treason is the hushed rumble
Of chilled autumn rain washing your despairing apologies
Down the gutter at the end of the street
Without it's wings..
Such a tragedy.
It's best to say nothing,
And pay attention.
Some convictions connot
Soley be served through
Mere words alone.
Again, pay attention
To what isn't being said.
Sometimes.. the silence tells you everything.
Such a shame when a bird
Has yet to spread it's wings
Spent it's whole life
Perched on an outreached branch
Every attempt at flight
Means another climb back up the tree.
Eventually the bird will leave it's perch
But not by flight.
I had a dream about you.
Tears were dancing slowly down your face.
You didn't have to tell me
I knew you were hurt.
It wasn’t over something I did.
But rather, what I didn't do.
Felt helpless seeing you upset.
Poised, but about to fall apart.
I was taken aback
When you didn't storm off.
Instead, you came forward
And wrapped your arms around me.
Laying down with me
You settled your head across my chest.
Breathing starting to ease
While I ran my fingers through your hair.
It wasn't until you fell asleep
Quietly in my arms
Did I suddenly wake up.
And you weren't there.
I've come to the realization
There will be more pain in my future.
I will be running into more hurt
Just when I wonder if I've endured
All that is to be expected.
There so much struggle
That I can't begin to imagine.
I will find myself out of breath again soon enough.
My bones.. my heart will break again
And I'll never be ready for that.
No matter how many times
I so gingerly mend myself back together.
A final cough.
The last bit of ***** escapes my lips…
Doesn't matter how much I drink.
Thoughts of you still linger
When I stumble to my car
When I veer towards home
When I finally trip onto my bed…
No matter how far I travel
Your face.. your smile..
Is right behind me.
I can't even give the next one a chance
When your ghost still haunts me..
Seven years later
And I still dream of chasing you.
Only to wake up when there's no hope left
In catching up to you.
And here I lay
Listening to the same
God. ****. song..
Fighting back tears..
For the one person I wish
Was standing next to me tonight
Is most certainly locking lips
Holding on tightly
To someone else
Because they were ready.
They didn't have any shell
To cast off like I do.
They didn't need someone
To give them a hand
And help them up to their feet.
Not a question in my mind
You went to sleep tonight nuzzled
Deep in their chest
Knowing you were loved.
And here I am
Wondering how long
Would it take
For a heart to break
From just enough broken heartstrings.
For I've lost count
As to how many
******* chords were struck
And they all sang
Such a mournful melody
Wishing they were no longer struck
With such promise.
Only to break..
Over... and over again..
It could very well be
The amount of pain I'm in
The shortness of breath..
Struggling to swallow
One more gulp of air.
The flush red complexion
Hinting across my face, chest, and shoulders.
The years of erosion in my eyes.
I see all of this in my reflection,
..For a fragmentary moment..
I caught the glimpse of someone I aspire to be.
Every time I think of someone
I think of them dancing.
I think of us dancing together.
And with each one they have their own dance.
I can imagine their excitement,
Their sweet laughter
And how much they are just living
If only I knew how to dance
I wouldn't be forced to imagine
What it would be like to see them smile.
If I knew how I would dance all night.
Beautiful surfaces reflecting
The brilliant bright light of day.
Serene landscapes capturing
What may not ever be seen again.
An artist devoted to his work of art.
A lifetime of practice
An instant of time in his still life's.
They have made
With their craft.
Such a shame
He's only killing himself and others with his masterpieces.
Another needless reminder
Of how damaged I came to be.
There's no chance of living a human life.
The same irreverent breathing
Just won't stop (me) while I sleep.
Another graceful sunrise I face
Means I have to deal with one more day of strife.
Showering in torrents of confusion.
Bones breaking beneath the guilt.
******* regret consuming the very
Morals I thought meant something.
Were my motives unclear
Even to me?
Only I am to blame
For yielding to my mental state.
I can't even trust myself.
I can't even love myself.
I don't even know myself.
Whose eyes are those in the mirror?
No one should feel shamed to the point of obscurity.
To be unexpectedly torn to pieces by someone you admire
For the sake of self preservation.
When you're thrown under the bus
By someone you thought you could confide in.
Reducing you to a standard below human.
Eyes piercing straight through me
...When she managed to even look my way.
As beautiful as ever.
Hurt and angry at what she was having to do..
Not at all interested
In the dialogue. Didn't care.
I wasn't part of the bigger picture.
I don't blame her.
"Don't you even start."
As my eyes glazed over
With burning tears.
I already couldn't breathe.
"If you start crying,
then I'll start to cry."
All that I knew to say
That she would even believe
As the sheer weight of reality was suffocating me was,
"Sorry I spoke to you two or three years ago.
I never meant to ruin anything
You had with anyone."
"-But you did.."
Walking endlessly - without reason
On the moonlit sands of the coast.
Just enough light to make out the horizon
And watch the crush of waves dance around my feet.
It's been too long since I've found myself
Here.. losing my sense of self
And remembering how small
I really, truly am.
And I wish...
With a slow, deep sigh
Oh how I wish..
She was here to share this moment with.
This is what happens when you try to play with matches.
Can't light anything
Without burning down
What's not yours.
I would loved to see
The kind of fire
We would have started..
Feels as if you were also
By what could have been.
But the fires you've already made
Cannot be put out..
We were burned before we could even strike the first match.
For so long I've kept to myself
Never giving anyone a chance
To peer beyond the mental concrete.
Such a sweetheart you are.
And how little time it took
For for me to become
Being unable to hold it in
To readily admit
Anything so very
Grasping the knowledge
Nothing will happen.
What do you think happens to an animal
Caged their whole life
When they are let go?
Don't believe they find comfort
Knowing they are free.
.. They are scared.
An entire life calmly dictated
Hemmed in and tethered.
.... That's all they know.
As pleasant it would be..
To just run..
Forage for fruits on their own.
All they know is how to behave.
All they know... Is how to beg.
Whenever I look at your photographs
All I see are smiles.
I can't even see the whites of your eyes
You are so caught up in those moments..
I wish I knew what that felt like.
Sure, I have a heartbeat.
But it never skips like yours.
It doesn't flutter with excitement
When something special is taking place.
That's because nothing special exists
Not in my world.
My skin doesn't radiate.
My words do not spread hope..
Not like yours.
I can't deny the fact my
Face contorts into what
You may call a smile,
It's only fleeting.
It's useful when you don't want to..
When the idea of loving you is more pleasurable
Than to actually be with you,
What does that say about you?
..... What does that say about me..?
The ringing hasn't stopped
Even though it's all silent now
Eyes are weary from the lights.
Back is aching from every embracement.
The only person I looked forward to seeing
Didn't show up tonight.
Slightly numb. I wonder
If you even remember my name. My face...
I wish I could lock lips with you.
I wish I could simply love you.
Screen is cracked.
Just happened the other day.
But my heart has been like this
For some years now.
Someone else asked for my number tonight.
Despite her apparent beauty I told her not to bother.
"I am just an empty vessel.."
They seemed appalled. But I just shrugged.
I've been told before
How big of a heart I have
But as I've done before
I just shrug off all the worthless comments.
No need to flatter me
With empty words.
I'll never see you again.
And I'm OK with it.
As the twilight starts its dance with the shadows,
My limbs silently break from their tin man sentencing.
Hanging from the ceiling in ornamentation,
Only to be ignored. That is,
Until everyone goes to bed.
I'm in the child's room overlooking the balcony.
Just before he goes to sleep
He lays there staring. Paralyzed.
For he knows I am alive.
As the shadows creep further
Through the windows my body
Becomes the more freer.
He thinks I can't leave my perch..
I wait until his eyes are closed.
It never takes long.
Just wait for that little pulse of his to stop galloping.
Standing in a corner
Back turn towards the light.
Focused on the rhythmic judder.
Not of the heart, or of the soul.
For what I am feels soulless.
Hands held close to my body
My breath beats back onto my face
I'm shut in so close
To the total recess of what
My life has been reduced to.
Eyes slowly open and close
While my head dips down again.
Rises up, I stare off, and down again.
Habitually poised in shame.
Always in the end left with some sardonic understanding.
Dear god, he's so sweet! Too sweet in fact.
I don't even have to be sultry, or bat my lashes with this one.
I knew I had him when I noticed his glance
As we passed each other earlier.
He's quick too! Of course, I get told all time how pretty I am,
But they all start to flush when I tell them that's not so.
He may be quick, but he's also too quick to hand out his trust.
I know better than to do that!
He so stiff sitting like that.
He'll relax the longer I lean into him.
So still.. Normally they get courageous by now.
Better be careful, I may start to like him.
I can tell he's enjoying the attention.
Seems like he's starving for it deep down
The way he talks so openly to me.
"I've only had two or three girlfriends."
"Two or three?"
"Well, I guess one month doesn't count as a relationship."
I don't find it hard to believe this kid.
"Better be careful," He says after a pause.
With genuine curiosity I look up at him
"I'm starting to like you."
Don't think I've met a more honest guy in my **** life!
I almost melted in satisfaction, and got ever more cozy in his arms
Right after giving him a hard kiss on the cheek -just in front of his ear.
That gave him the dumbest grin I think he's ever had.
Or will ever have.
Feeling his chest rise and fall as I lay against it almost reminds me of…
He feels so strong too.. Just like..
Stop it! I'm not here to bring back stupid memories.
He may be sweet, but every guy's the same in the end.
They all wind up leaving more than marks
On your heart and on your face..
Finally pulled his arm over my shoulder- hand nearly on my breast
Just take the bait for god's sake!
This nice guy **** can only take you so far
Gonna need some action sooner than later.
Must have been two weeks since my last romp.
****, I'm so hungry..
I wish he would just take me back to his place already..
I'm starting to get bored now.
What *****! Actually leaned in
And kissed me on my cheek
Maybe this isn't a bust after all.
"Sorry." Soon escaped his lips. - Bust.
He's too innocent. Shame.
What a ******* shame!
He could've absolutely taken me
Bent me over... anything! But.. (sigh)
He's still warm though.
I can sit here for a little longer.
But sadly, I'll be sleeping in a cold bed tonight.
Tomorrow may bring someone with more promise.