Sitting still on a park bench
Gazing at the horizon.
My eyes glow with the failing light.
The sun is now dying.

You can see how sad it is.
It's not as bright as it once was.
With a heavy sigh
It sinks and sets.

No one else watches.
They are ungrateful.
I hold my breath
And make a wish.

When my eyes open
The sky is black.
No stars, no lights.
I am swallowed in black.

I exist by myself.
I am now mankind.
Never again will I wake up.
This is my last day on earth.

I wonder if life will ever hold out a hand. ..
For now I feel the weight unbearable.
She never leaves yet is always away from me.
I feel my soul was almost breaking down completely
until the moon threw its face out of the night sky and looked up at me.
The moon is so beautiful illuminated with warmth…
but all that surrounds the moon is an icy fast
that keeps me from ever touching the moon.
The moon has always been in my sight.
And I was never shy of the moon's precious light.
I finally felt "I must visit the moon finally,
I must be free to enjoy my life with the moon.
There is nothing else on Earth that keeps me warm."
I finally tried to extend my reach outward,
only to be held down by the gravity of reality.
The Earth keeps me from ever reaching the sweet, sweet moon.
And the icy surrounding has also made it almost impossible
to just simply touch the moon.
My eyes were always on the moon for some time.
And for the past cycles I have truly been able to see
how much meaning and love I share and hold with the moon.
I feel the soft light of the moon touch my skin and I feel nothing.
I am too far away to feel anything.
Too numb and lost to feel or think.
My eyes shed tears, which are suddenly ripped off my face
by the fears I hold inside.
I have always understood the moon almost as much as the moon understands me.
But even after all these years… all of the trust we hold….
It seems the distance is just too much.
I can only hope the tides draw in soon.
The tears held by the tide may reveal
to the now waning moon there is no need to fall behind the Earth's shadow any longer.

The gentle lull of these sounds in my head
They make me lay down.
Down beside you.
I am so numb.

My time here
I don't know
What to make of it.
There's only one thing I live for...

I wake up every morning
To see your smile.
This presence beside me
Makes me feel alive.

Wonder how I have
Been living without you
For so long.
You make me feel alive.

We walk in the rain.
Raindrops.
They are as sweet
As your kisses.

Together we live like
There is no tomorrow.
I smile to myself
When you take my hand.

We lay these perfect
Footprints
In the sand.
Only we know why they are perfect.

The rain starts to
Pour down harder
I take you in my arms.
I love how you look at me.

Arms around my neck.
Breath on my chest.
Fingers in my hair.
Your heart flutters when I kiss your neck.

We sway in the rain
Holding our breaths
You make my
Life matter to me again.

The tender swells carry me 
But never disturbs.
Kept afloat with the meager thoughts of existence
A wave collides against the back of my head.
I fall victim to a surge.
I plunge down, submerged, by the wrathful hands of Poseidon. 
Shooting hard into my throat 
Sea salt scrapes for something.
Choking I reach out and struggle
One eye sees in red same as the eyes staring back.

No point of reference I simply sink. Deeper.
Deeper. Down the depths. 

With what light that does pierce down this far I gaze
At the glorious expanse of unknown cities.
Hovering above a void, a wild spectacle distracts me.
Pillars holding statues. Bridges spanning miles.
Prairies full of green and red. And massive graveyards in honour of those of whom are worthy of such a burial.

There the void becomes something more.
Air has pushed through my eye sockets I have drifted down so deep.
I want to shake but the freezing water weighs down on me so much.
I am not blind from near death but from complete extinction of light.
I realize I wasn't swimming at all. 
A clutching hand has dug its nails into my now broken ankle. Delivering me
To a place I have always wanted. A home.
Here no one can evict me from what is rightfully mine. 

I am free
I am dead
I am gone
I am home

I give in to the hurt so easily.
Seems as if it is all I have ever had as a friend.

Ever present and comforting. I trust it be there whenever it is called upon.

I can't bury you
Nor can I heal;

In my veins,
In my soul.

Everyday more and more dead birds litter the road.
Wings bent in odd shapes
Beaks open; ants crawling.


It's such an unpleasant sight.
If only someone told me
If only I was given a second chance....

If there ever was a point in time
where two souls converge and meet as one..
_________
 
This is where the story begins.
This moment is so delicate
the scratching of pen on paper
would only scuff the memoury.
 
Sketchings of thought never occurred.
It just pieced together right in front of us.
The calm but anxious tension was there
Sitting in between the two of us.
 
The shadows danced in and out
Merely taunting our eyes with what could be.
Neither expecting an outcome.

Fossils in the mouth
of heaven
They claw their way out.
Leaping from the ledge
Halos around their neck.
Their remains hang
but their screams descend.

My coil feels broken.
My lips they are charred.

I lay down in my filth
And cough up more.

I ***** for something.
I find Nothing.

Not exactly proud of it
Just don't have the time

No teeth or claws
Nothing really but hunger

Not begging or choosing
Just desperate for something to eat

And when we find something, anything
It becomes disgusting.

But we don't care
We don't have a choice
It's not like we will get to see
Another day

So we feed.

And we feed..

He feeds me his food sometimes. Even when he knows good and well I'm not supposed to have any. He gave me his bed to sleep on all day, but I share it with him when he is home. He loves to hold me close at night. Sometimes, if not all the time, I growl at him to stop bothering me to cuddle close to him. A midst my growling he just shushes me and kisses my nose.
      I've finally got him on a routine. I sit at the door and he knows it's time for a walk. I'll walk him as far as he will go. As much as I wanna trot off he insists on a quiet pace. He also likes straight lines.
      When I hear the door being unlocked I will sometimes see if it is him. Being stuck at home all day is boring, so I get all excited when he comes back. I'll nibble at his hands constantly to tell him I love him. And to play. He's good at playing when I can get him to play.
      I guess it is safe to say that without my human I would not be here. And without me he wouldn't be here either.

Standing in a corner
Back turn towards the light.
Focused on the rhythmic judder.
Not of the heart, or of the soul.
For what I am feels soulless.

Hands held close to my body
My breath beats back onto my face
I'm shut in so close
To the total recess of what
My life has been reduced to.

Eyes slowly open and close
While my head dips down again.
Rises up, I stare off, and down again.
Habitually poised in shame.
Always in the end left with some sardonic understanding.

The choir rang out and filled the halls with a hollow note
There voices were merely a dull hum in the background

Kneeling and looking past my reflection against the marble floor
Almost in a meditative state I welcomed the vacuity I found myself in

It was not until the second time did I realize
Drops of rain water were tapping me on the neck

I was positioned directly under a crack in the basilica's ceiling.
Even in a sanctuary I could not escape what awaited me outside.

Found it quite fitting, actually.
Even though I am inside my life is still being rained on.

It's been a while since I have held you
You haven't changed much.
Still poised as ever, sharp with your words.
You make it quick.

I didn't expect to ever see you again
But I have been thinking about you.

And all I want to do is sleep at night
But thoughts from years ago just keep me awake.
I toss and turn to no avail
It's nights like these where I wish I prayed.

And no matter how hard I try to keep you off my mind.
Your name still echoes.. I keep on pining deep inside.
So far down the road of life
My heart's still gripped with bitterness.

There comes ,
"Why am I here? It cannot be for myself.
But no one else either, decidedly.. So for what?"
This is what leaves me watching the seconds float away on a night like this. While you are warmly planning tomorrow's sunrise, and smiles, and laughter, and heartbeats.

While you are making fresh the steps of the present
I am way back when where there and they used to be.
Mine are here of course. Mind isn't it seems.
Even now as I unfold again a broken segment of stills.

When will I rise with the sun and set with it?
Dare I smile like I wish it were?
It's a pleasure you left humiliated.
Damaged.

How can I forgive you..
How can I forgive myself..

I have found many
Of whom I remember once envying
I find not the least bit interesting.

Growing up and wishing,
Wanting, yearning to know how
They carried on. Lived.

Comparing myself to everyone
Growing up- I know- is wrong.
For I was never focused on Me.

Now that same focus, finally,
Is without err where it should be.
Until now I couldn't Live.

It took me twenty four years
To understand. I am perfectly
Fine without all the answers.

Ever tell someone you love them?
Holding it in not wanting to rush the thought
Let the word appear on its own
Enjoy what you have

Ever hear that they don't think it's going to work out?
You never saw it coming. A blindside.
They've been feeling this way for some time.
And you never even noticed

If you could shed a bit of light
A glimmer of hope
You tell her
"I love you."

Ever have someone cry because you said that?
Gasping for breath
Her voice echoing against the walls
Her sobs reach into you even through the phone.

I know what eternity feels like
When the one you love doesn't want you to love them.
When they break down, upset over letting this happen.
Her cry echos in my head to this day.

What do you think happens to an animal
Caged their whole life
When they are let go?

Don't believe they find comfort
Knowing they are free.
.. They are scared.

An entire life calmly dictated
Hemmed in and tethered.
.... That's all they know.

As pleasant it would be..
To just run..
Forage for fruits on their own.

All they know is how to behave.
All they know... Is how to beg.

It doesn't really change anything.
I can't purge myself of this.
Even if I were to forgive and forget
I strip away all that I am.
Without any of these vices
burns, scars, grudges
I have nothing left.

I have nothing left.
All my life I have let myself
be consumed with what hurts me.
Don't be like me.

Splash a little water on my bourbon'
Sip and watch you get undressed.
Nothing like a quiet evening
With you ere a good night's rest.


Bold flavors fade away.
My eyes turn glassy.
You slink on hands and knees my way.
I realized tonight has just begun.

...............................................................­..

Don't remember how you got me
On the bed. Don't care.
I'm too absorbed by the wild
Dancing mane you call hair.

Orange blossom and Gardenia
Their auras leave me weak.
Tonight I don't have the strength
To fight back. Can't even speak.

Still have control of my lips at least..
I see your eyes widen and breath quicken
While you lick your lips like a beast.
Skin flares ***** as the air ceases to thicken.

..................

Someone must have slipped something in my drink.
I strangely feel that I am on drugs again..
... Where is my drink? -Oh, you found it!
And your finishing the whole glass..

What did you expect? 
I am not here for you. 
If anything, 
I am here to watch you fall. 

And when you are ready 
to stand back up,
I will be the one 
kicking you back down.
Taste the blood
Inhale the dirt.
Feel the burn. 
And close your eyes. 
So I don't have to.

Life can never be this easy.
It is not something you press play
And sit back and listen to..
Life is so much more than that.

The tears.. the small breaths of air..
Her eyes looking back up at you.

There is never a chance of return
There is only one path
Maybe not in one direction
But who would want their life pointed out to them?

Her hands trembling as you take them
into your own

I have held on for so long
To thoughts and feelings
That I have longed to have returned
..... It's just as easy to cry now as it was then.

She doesn't want you to
But she doesn't turn away as you lean in.

As with any living thing
Time carefully breaks us down
Until we are left naked
Before the burning sun

And with one last kiss.. one painful and burning touch of her lips on mine
There is only one word that breaks this moment in time....

Goodbye.

Withering breath                Time slows down
Her eyes feel cold                  Not searching for reason
The curls in her hair uncoil               Once gold will soon be rusted
Her mouth quivers as I touch her cheek          One more kiss is all she wants.
Looking back into her eyes I see her final moments of beauty.
Pale skin shines under the silver moonlight.
A gentle breeze brushes by           She shakes        I hold her closer.
Soft beat of her heart wants to race next to mine but instead gets weaker.
She wants to cry but the tears refuse.
I lift her chin up towards mine. Eyes closed
She stopped breathing when our lips finally touched.



Epilogue:

I never felt so much blackness fill me before.
Even the silent chill of tonight couldn't reach me.
I was freezing in my own thoughts.
My breathing became a faint memory.
Sound disappeared along with her.
The tears were quiet.
I didn't bother to brush them off.. they left frozen trails along my face.
The bleakness was broken by a hard object cocking.
I looked down my hollow life, I held her steady
While looking forward into the distance.
The trees were naked and shivering;
They were so beautiful at night.
I leaned backwards as
Lighting struck down in front of me
My head landed on the iced earth
with a dull thud. I couldn't really feel anything after that.
But I did taste the metal... and the rust.
I lay there with her still wrapped in my arms.
Together to the end.

Combusting into green flames
The photographs bleed black smiles.

Fumes inhaled. Stinging the eyes.
A twisted mass of flesh lay on the ground.

Breaking the dark for a moment.
Their hearts slowly shimmer out.

Looking at their faces
It seems they lied.

Crumbling into mere soot
They stare at me no more.

Hearing your voice I feel like I am floating on the canvas of a painting
The colours blend in a splendid action just like the ripples made by a single busy duck on the pond this Fall day. 
I tilt my head back and sink even more into this moment of enlightenment. This unpredicted ascension of the mind.
I hunger for more in a pleasant way.
My fingers run the length of my hair and break free.
I smile all to myself and inhale peace.
Eyes closed I see the world in all of its delicate and fragile beauty.
If only for a second I could open my eyes and truly see what is beautiful. 
The cold and moist air burns, but I breathe it in with vigor.
I feel alive for the first time all over again. 
I curiously question why doesn't life always feel this pleasant.?
Why does it not ever look so simple and elegant?
Sorrow comes and quietly wraps its massive arms around me.
"Not today," I breathe without breaking from the strength of this water-coloured moment. 
I remain seated on the park bench and plunge deeper into my thoughts.
I fall away with the sounds of your voice and nothing else. 
For this quiet, chilly, and solitary Fall evening is Mine.

Fingers carefully pressed against the lips
A sign to be still and quiet
She has something in mind
Can't be bothered with your words

Skin tightens when she searches with her
Hands running down and her teeth sinking in.
Eyes rolling back to the top, no matter
How hard you try to look down; you just can't.

Chest rising, falling
Rising, falling
Never can catch your breath when she
Goes on top and takes control.

She holds you down in satisfaction as you
Beg for more. Finally have a chance to
Open your eyes. She is nowhere near
Done with you, the night hasn't even started.

Don't lose yourself.. until she says so.

This body
Also known as a vessel
Simple in design
- Impractical

Flawed from the beginning
In constant search of
what it can't have
Never pleased

Itching
Always scratching
the surface
But never breaking through

Dare
We ever reach
what we want
And death ensues.

Why must I live in a world 
plastered with a facade of sincerity? 
The imitation of promise... 
is only a promise for a broken future. 

I keep my thoughts from spilling 
across pages and from others. 

But my actions cannot be withheld. 

Sleep has become more of a haven for me 
- where the nothing cannot touch me.
 
It never stops... the thought of who I am. 

Am I any different from the rest? 
Am I merely an empty vessel? 
If so the only difference between me 
and the rest is I am well aware of it. 

I stand hollow, but without noise.

Whatever decision I make.. it always seems that I regret making that decision. ..I always wonder how life would be if I had made another instead. 
 
It seems no matter what I am always being too ******* myself. At least that is what I keep hearing. No matter how familiar it may become there is always a sense of uncertainty and confusion. 
 
A face I have seen.... a face that I have kissed.... the person I have held in my arms... it doesn't take long for them to become strange again. And as soon as they do.... I sink a little farther down. 
 
I would like to have been something else. Someone else. Someone different.... One that wouldn't disappoint nor hurt you like I have. I didn't realize how much I was hurting you. I have failed in what I value the most.... protecting the ones I love. I have failed you.. 
 
You look so beautiful. This smile I see you wear.. It reflects upon me. I realize that smile wasn't there before when I was standing next to you.... The smile I tried to coax out never needed my help... or was it hinderance? 
 
I don't know..

It doesn't really change anything.
I can't purge myself of this.
Even if I were to forgive and forget
I strip away all that I am.
Without any of these vices
burns, scars, grudges
I have nothing left.

I have nothing left.
All my life I have let myself
be consumed with what hurts me.
Don't be like me.

Outside beneath the storm
I see clouds taking shape into hands.

These god like masses
I stare at in awe.

Please reach down
Help me up off the ground

Carry me away
And carry me away.

Feeling gravitates beyond that fine line of vision
There's no question where it wants to go
There's only one direction that it takes
And it found its way right to you.

There is something coy about you
That leaves the heart curious for more
I don't know what it could be
But I am more than ready to find out

Revolving in and out of the limelight
Always dancing in between the shadows
One more quick inhale.... and step
..........................................

Lost in my angry confusion
Thoughts all fall apart
Is this some sort of illusion?
Why is my heart held at ransom?

You say you are no good for me
If I'm smart I will turn and leave 
But I beg to differ. Believe me.
Just take a look and you will see

Another night I grip the sheets
You did your best and lost. Now it's my turn to try.
It's just not right.. for this to be
I'll show you now then you'll know why you lived a lie.

_____

After some time it couldn't be any clearer
I was wrong.
You were nothing but a cancer
With which I cut out of my life.

I'm so sick of waiting as the seconds slip on by.
Most of my life centers on waiting for other people.
My eyes have rested staring at the floor waiting for my name.
Being held up for whatever reason.
Remembering the past to the point the present doesn't really matter.
I don't see the future. I don't put forth that kind of effort.
People tell me all the time that I have all this opportunity
Inside I feel certain that I have missed out entirely.
This existential crisis constantly shifts its form.
I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of the metaphors.
Sick of the frustrations.
Sick of myself.
I'm tired of everything I have been drowning in.

I want to say **** everyone. At least to those who have left me scarred.
And trust me, there are plenty of them.

If I had it my way
I would let the night take over
A slow and patient storm lay quietly outside
Tapping its many fingers against my window.

That way I could catch Sleep crawling into bed
I shall lay down with them and finally recollect
I don't want tomorrow to come just yet.
I have yet to deal with tonight

A reflection of myself feels more alive than I'll ever be. 
The solid lines of humility and intent are ever present 
Found only in the eyes looking back at me.
No words need exchange. I know what he is thinking.

I woke up with the words
"I need help"
falling out of my mouth.

This is bad.
I know I need help.
Now I really need help.

I am without sanctuary..

..Teeth against the pavement..
Clenching down..
On broken off pieces
..Lips pierced by new shapes..

I didn't like my smile before..
Appreciated what I had though..
Seeing the colour spill
From my lips, it's embarrassing.

Stand back up.
******, get your face out of the dirt

This day isn't over.

For once I don't want to remember.

As beautiful as you were
I couldn't look at you without falling to pieces.

I don't want to remember what you look like.
I don't ever want to find you in my dreams again.

I'll be honest as well-
Depression has been with me
Even before I began my teenage years.
There have been some gleaming moments
Of happiness, but it is never long

Until the ground reveals itself as thin ice
And I fall through it.

My reaction
Every time
Is to breathe deep
We all know what would happen
If I were to stop

And I keep breathing deeper
For I know at least I'm alive.

Three years.....
That's how long it has been.
Three years ago I knew who you were.
Now, today, I look at you suppressing all the noise
Buried deep inside.
The joy, the pain, the confusion. The hatred.
You look just as beautiful as you ever have. Poised.
Everyone else just falls completely out of focus for me,
but no one knows that. Not even you.
You must think it was all long ago.
I still remember. Everything.
The last three years have been a vacant blur.

It amazes me how I keep it all in when you're here in front of me. Smiling.
I don't know where it is coming from. Or how to take it..
Is it effortless sincerity or a polished and innocuous procedure?
I don't dare ask.

It's not until you walk away after turning back once more for a goodbye
Do I let my eyes flood over.
Do you have any idea? Anything remaining?
Why do I still? That's three years of my life I will never have back.