Remember the afternoon we watched
the police drag the lake searching
for the Williams boy as we drank
Dr. Pepper?

There was a hell of a crowd
you had both hands on
Shelly’s *** & she
****** down her

thighs when the kid
bobbed up, face
pale blue, eyes
wide.

I don't know which is worse,
Feeling okay despite of the devastating events happening
or do nothing because you can't change anything.

I have not felt a thing
in quite a while

but for the anger and
heartbreak caused by
my own country's betrayal

The thought of loving

Brings me to you

Who I carry in my pocket

Like a needle

*** could be joyous

Or, anticlimactic   .

The moon hangs ripe, the wind is sharp
I lie restless on my bed and sigh
Suddenly there’s the sound of the harp
Its melody ringing, crisp and sharp
Notes billowing like ribbons over the sky

The moon hangs ripe, the air is cold
I lie satiated on my bed; I'm glad
Suddenly a seahorn’s sonic boom unfolds
I stamp and I shout and I swear and I scold
Without the lilt of the harp I go mad!

When I hear the harp’s sweet blare
I forget all my suffering and shame
I hearken to the music there
Which bears me aloft up heaven’s stairs
Where my troubles are peacefully slain

They always ask me what I wanna do
Then they use the big words
"Future" and "happy", sometimes "passion".
Almost always in the same sentence.

What do I wanna do?
"Good question", I say.
Then my thoughts wander on
Mostly they go something like; I want to scream.

I want to scream my lungs out,
Scream until the air is gone,
My insides punctured,
and my breath is lost.

I know some people know partly what their answer is.
But I don't. How am I supposed to know
How am I supposed to have any idea what my future is going to look like
When my present, my today is so lost.

When I am so lost.

Bare feet
Walking against the tide
Leaving impressions in the sand
Which crumble with each step forward

Tiny grains
Earth between the toes
Salted water rises to the ankles
Each step onwards to the horizon

Waste deep
Jeans are soaked
Never ready for the beach
Ocean freezing, and pain leaving

Waiting now
The thought to keep going
Submerging any hope to go on
Instead turning around back to the coast

Time disappears
Each step leads nowhere
The return is paired with receding tides
Rare moments where infinity graces subtlety

Troubled thoughts
Leaving the peace behind
Graced by the sunkissed afternoon
Headed home, to raging heart and suffering