My fantasies have become very strange, I disturb myself at least once a day.

I imagine, my helpless body sinking. Sinking down deeper into an unknown. A memory of the only breath that would last a lifetime. A lifetime two minutes long.

I go to the library to find peace of mind, to find myself in the pages of a medical journal.
On the pages will be blooms of hope in the names of tablets that can ease my worried mind.

The cold sludge will embrace me tightly. Covering my eyes so I can't see any of the pain anymore. Holding my limbs tight, to remind me that its always there. That deaths embrace is certain. That I will be at peace.

Papercuts cover my frantically searching hands, like warriors. They're fighting for my life, a war against myself. Cramming pages into my eyes and plugging my ears with facts. A Freudian overload, a desperate attempt to medicalise my state of mind.

The thick taste of salty sand fills my mouth, my breath gasps, my involuntary reflex to save my life. The silence comes, the voices fade away. Its bittersweet that my death brings my every fantasy.

They clatter as they hit the sink, prescribed nonsense designed to pull me into myself. Make me more compliant. Dig my own hole deeper. Make me easier for society to swallow, for you to deal with. My hands have finally saved me, poured away the mind-altering remedies. Showed me the only thing I ever needed was already part of me.

I went to bed with flowers in my hands and woke up carressing a rifle.
My delusion of self can offer me no help, cause you've been twisting sides.
Making me fall in love with you, you're waging a war of lies.

Cold metal sooths open wounds, I never knew you could be this cruel.
fragments of the mirror stare back at the fragments that remain.
Theres nothing I can see that looks anything like me.

So' I'm wondering where I am and who you are?
and when this ever got this far?
I idolised you and now i despise everything you do.
I can't stop myself asking, am I falling out of love with you?

There is a garden in my mind, where nothings' quite dead, nothings' quite alive.
Even on summers days, birds refuse to sing and the melancholy clouds refuse to blow away.
A glorious fountain that once shimmered with liquid gold, is as dry as the desert in August.
A laughter still travels on the wind, a relentless storm of memories still haunts me.

I keep drinking coffee.
I keep thinking I shouldnt.
I keep falling in love with you.
I keep wishing I wouldnt.
Because like my murmer, you keep missing beats.
I fill you with love but you're full of deceit.
You say your futures with me, were perfect together.
But simple conversation is exhaugsting. how can we handle forever?

You are like a cacti.
Everytime you touch me i bleed.
Yet.
I will water you with love and marvel at your blood red blooms.