Tell me again how I'm fat
Tell me again how I'm a *****
Tell me again how I'm an idiot
Tell me again how I'm scarred and marked
Tell me again how I'm useless

                                         I'm fast approaching 90 pounds
                                         I'm one mistake from a ******
                                         I'm in NHS and my GPA is high
                                         I'm a warrior wounded
                                         I'm a support-group leader

Tell me again,
     because I already tell myself.
I'm so used to hearing lies,
      I'll believe them anyway.

I am suffocating.
There are people with smiles and sweaters,
Asking me questions, judging me, pretending to care.
Sitting close around the table,
Trapped with no escape; pinned.
Looking my tormentor in the face, faking fine.
Taking hours to poke and stoke
The unyielding heap on my plate.
Bubbly mindless chatter -- external.
Dread and vile hatred -- internal.
My eyes betray my lie and show the truth I hide.

I am suffocating.
Under my own weight.

I am suffocating.
I am not better.

I am suffocating.
I am not thankful for stuffing.

What is it like?
That moment of freefall,
When you're the one who jumped?

Do you dread the end?
Have second thoughts?
Or are you just content?

Do you feel peace?
Or like you have wings?
Or has control been ripped away?

Suicide is not a beautiful thing,
But do you feel beautiful in that moment,
When it's just you, the air, and God?

Do you feel like an angel in that moment?
Or does the reality hit you too soon,
That the thing you did to gain control,
Is not in your control after all?

Because you are but a human,
Just one of many,
And entirely unique.

But one thing we have in common,
Or rather, don't have,
Is control.

It is only at 2am when you will realise
You might have gone too far
You will get up to brush your hair
Feel your body almost give way
And nearly succumb to blackness
Mounting the window to **** down another cigarette
You will realise you kept nothing down
And haven't even tried to for six hours
You will realise you're awake and always are
When the rest of the world sleeps
Because some manic desire for deprivation
Keeps your bloodshot eyes pinned open
You will chew another stick of gum
Tainted by smoke and diet soda
And almost smile as you notice
You ostentatiously pretended to be trying
You've listened to chords and turned
Page after page and turned off your phone
But you're clinging to insomnia just like
You hang on to starvation as gratification
And some justification of your existence
You will burn your back on the radiator
That you're secretly glad is broken
And stuck on max because you are always
Cold as if you were winter itself
And the marrow of your bones is ice water
You will stare at your sternum and ribcage
And seek your hipbones in the mirror
Only to be frustrated because you
Still can't wrap your fingers round your arms
You will almost smell everything you wish
You could eat and not need to throw up
You feel your bones ache and stiffen
And think maybe you really let yourself go
You will think of what to eat tomorrow
Realise you'd rather drink coffee
And you made plans so as to avoid food
You will have moved it all downstairs
In a desperate urge to avoid the binge
And hate yourself for it because now
You have no release and not even blades left
With which to feel something and so
You stare into empty oscillating space
Extinguish your cigarette on arms
Already scarred and cut to pieces
You think to hell with everything and realise
You've really done it this time.

So I'm a succubus, am I?
I doubt that.
You tell me that you can't resist.
I doubt that.
You tell me you love me.
I doubt that.
If I were a succubus, where's my tail?
Exactly.
If you couldn't resist, why did you leave?
Exactly.
If you loved me, why are you with her?
Exactly.
I'm smarter than you think.
You left.
I know what love is.
You left.
I know what it is to lose control.
You left.
I know how it is to be human.
And You left.

One moment
One fleeting idea
One action
Is all it took
For me to realize
I need more
One thought of control
Three years go by
You don't even realize it
You've been numb for too long
Now, when you feel ashamed
Of eating 50 calories
Above your "limit"
You've set for the day
Only then will you realize
This is controlling me now
Can't get out of this torture
I want to cry
I want to cry in frustration
I want to cry for food
I'm hungry
I can't eat
I'm scared
I haven't succeeded yet
In this disease
Because there is no visible
Evidence of my hungry soul

Words come quickly but softly like a stream in the mountains
Rolling and flowing but occasionally crashing into the rocks below
Each word like a drop of water
Without the rest it doesn't flow
Over time the stream shapes the mountains and once it's there it's there to stay

I am constantly making more out of little things,
like last night when you took me into the other room
and we laid on the floor in the dark - you bit my lip
and said it helped you feel normal again...
I am still thinking of it,
of the look you gave me on the couch
while I took my glasses off to wipe the lenses
I SWEAR EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM DISAPPEARED
I swear you must have been feeling the same, you must have,
I am still thinking of it,
of the way you wrap your arms around my waist,
of every time you grab my hand,
of every little strand of hair that you twirl around your finger,
I am still thinking of it.
You must have been feeling the same,
you must have

sometimes i bite my tongue
because i still haven't told you i love you
and maybe i never will
and i will always regret it

do you feel the same,
were you biting your tongue too?
you must have been,
you must have

right?