Tomorrow,
I leave
and dear
I'm afraid
that you
won't
miss me

Cause I
know I'll
think of
your guitar,
your hands
my hands
your laugh,
and dance

Cause I
know I'll
listen to
your music
when I'm
homesick
or else try
to remember
your eyes,
your words

But will you
miss my piano,
my hands
your hands
my laugh,
my car
will you phone me
just to hear
my voice again

Will we even
Say goodbye

Do we have to

Or have we
already

everything bad happens for a reason, i think. 
everything good happens by chance, by luck. 
i never really planned a good thing that's happened in my life. 
they just kind of happened. 
that night with the cows. 
the night with the bottle and a back road. 
the day we got too ****** to move from your bed. 
so we discovered each other instead. i still know how many freckles you have, how many scars were from jumping off ****. 
you always swore you could fly. 
that one weekend we threw together and called it a good time. 
that night in the car, the rain coming down. 
i was buzzed, off cheap wine and young love. 
i said i think it's early, but i think i love you. 
the day at the beach when for once my family didn't fight. 
all unplanned, all amazing. 
the bad things though, i hand picked them. 
i couldn't of chosen better.

i love being this high. 
where i can't feel a thing. 
but i can feel everything, all at once, every fiber of my being I can feel. 
i don't know if this is a good thing. 
all i can think about were those morning **** rips with your family, 
margarita night with your mom. 
i loved the **** out of you, and that was always the problem wasn't it? 
i accepted too much, i had seen too much of you. 
always one for mystery. 
i miss how your breathe felt on my neck. 
I miss how your eyes looked in the morning, my ******* vampire of a man. 
covered in me, and you, and us. 
and that one mistake of a afternoon. 
 and everything you tried to fake. 
you can't fake something like that. 
you can't fake the way my hands felt on your neck in the early hours of the day. 
it's okay, though. 
it turned out better than we had ever thought possible.

Dearest Unreal and Unforgiving God,

It's three weeks to the day an old friend killed himself and I'm counting the ways I've changed.

My world is still upside down, even though I've stopped crying now I can't stop reimagining life in ways to make it tender again.

I swear, I've held my hand out to everyone I've ever wanted to and it's not enough. I can still feel myself falling so incredibly short.

How do you explain to someone how softly you felt for them while they shivered in your arms, how all their scars seemed to run through your heart, tugging your sleeve towards the direction of "I want to love you more and more until you love yourself."? How do you tell them you wanted to rewrite every suicide note, resign it with "never mind"? I can't began to find the words for "I want you to be happy so bad it keeps me up at night."

And hey God, would it **** you to make a miracle happen every once in a while?

I have wanted to spread the incredible, bursting compassion I felt when he died, that terrible, uncontainable empathy, but how is it that words fall short on everyone except I'm sorry?

I'm trying to touch lives in a way that November 27 will again just be a date. I'm trying to make it all right. I'm trying to be the light that could've lit up the dark and made the world turn again.

As you were taking your last breath I hope you felt this.

I am obsessed with my name
The way it swells and curves
With straight edges that can cut
A knife wrapped lovingly in silk

I write it everywhere these days
On papers scattered around the room
On the oily remains of the dinner plate
On chalkboards in empty classrooms
On your skin in the middle of the night

each stroke is radical
Me to mine and
Mine alone

I long to photograph you,
save you
keep you unchanging
just a glace of your beauty
wonder, overwhelming.
how do you manage
to take my breath away
each time?
I say I'm fine
but that is a lie
still falling for you
inside.

I am burning up
like a dying star
from the inside
out,
going supernova
as I am hopelessly
devoured
by the raging
fire
that lays in your
heart.

Your kisses
are smoke
that fill my
blackened lungs
and choke
the air
from my throat.

Your touch sears
flesh from bone,
flaying
me open
and branding
an indelible mark
on my
soul.

Consume
everything
that I am,
W I L D F I R E.

When I am nothing but the rain
cold, harsh, unrelenting
Will you stay?

When I am nothing but the night
dark, lonely, scary
Will you run and hide?

When I am nothing but the fire
wild, scorching, unrelenting
Will you burn with me?

'They walked naked, all around in proud.
I sat covered, quiet and with shame.
To think I was better, for not doing the same.'

First time in a locker room of the gym,
Being the only one not brave enough to reveal
how I was truly born. Giving myself the
excuse of 'being better'. What nonsense my
friend said. You don't have to be shy.
But shy, I was not. It was something else,
a kind of fear of myself, I think.