I understand now that I desperately want
to be special

The desire crawls under my skin
to see myself as smarter than others, with better morals, with natural talent for everything I try
shivering it away, it sickens me as much as it soothes
my hollow, childish soul

In a flash, the thought has me petrified
I will die and nothing I can do will mean anything
It attacks and I know
I will never be enough because I am not
special

Maybe that's all the depression is
it slithers around me, slowly suffocating any hope to breathe
mesmerizing me with feelings of uniqueness
you are a sufferer it tells me
and I turn, a passive participant to its ritual

I want to be special
to be loved
and before you tell me that I am, that there's someone here who cares
I know
but I want to be loved by myself

I want what little I am to be enough for myself

The clear glass puddles ripple with morning light
The river rushes fast and dizzying under the bridge
And iridescent drops hover from the trees

Somehow, even the air tastes different
Though it is the same school yard air it always is
It tastes adventurous, mysterious
Tastes like a promise that today will be different

It tastes like a place I imagined once
The wind carrying the scent of the story before it starts,
and I remember that even fairy tale characters have history to learn

I stand under the rain and pull the hood from my face
letting it pound into my eyes until it blurs everything I see

The rain, reminding me once again of how to dream

I send my soul into the sky
Words trying to make noise in a void
It is vulnerability without the teeth-chattering life or death roulette

We are all the same when we get to this place
Dying hands searching for someone to hold on to

There are people here who care
They don't know your name
But they will send love and support your way
Words to pull you from your pain

It is strange that the people who you will never meet know you better than those you already know

It's the greatest feeling for someone's lonely voice to come across the void and tell you
You are not alone

I hope I can be here for you invisible strangers
The same as you have been for me
I hope you all know
That you are more than enough
I hope you all can hear my voice when I whisper
*thank you

Grab my hand* he says
I know what you're going through
The cycles of firey independance
That you can make it, on your own
The wrenching despair
The flashing moment where you don't want to be here anymore
And it all seems so pointless
I know it
We don't have to be here anymore
Take my hand he says
I take his hand
And when the ensuing darkness falls around me
Like choatic endless falling stars
I do not run, I am relieved
My heartbeat is the last thing I hear before he leads me
Into the wild, overgrown garden of sleep.

I think I might know what it feels like to be adopted
You know where everything is in the kitchen and how to work the dishwasher
You walk the dog, you're a part of family movie night
You're accepted and loved
But some quiet part of you
Desperately asks to go home
Even though you know there is nowhere left to go

don't write a poem
for me
it would be pointless,
it would be
a paradox
to try
to give beauty
to something
so ugly

I never knew I could feel so shattered,
simply by leaving your room,
by hanging up a call too soon,
having my throat burning and clogged with a vigorous pain,
something that boils inside me
every time we have to walk away,
and I never knew I could miss someone while being just a foot astray,
a step too far has me clenching my hands together,
biting my lip,
trying to understand why I feel so strained;
why did no one tell me I could miss you like this?