I reached for you in the night,
but you weren't there,
just the memory of the shape of you,
and the imaginary tickle of your hair.

Your touch imprinted on me,
the warmth of your hands
a comfort to my aching skin,
I wanted you there to touch me from within.

I stretched for you to hold me,
and pull, pull in tight,
but instead I grabbed my pillow,
but the feel, it's not right.

I smelt you,
it drifted over my dreams,
I felt your hands,
slipping off my seams.

I thought you were near,
here in my bed,
but when I woke you weren't there,
and darling, the tears, how they shed.

Sitting with my laptop on top of the blanket, hot against my legs
I feel like a writer
The ideas burning quickly through my mind
Characters, conversations conjured

Why do I always do this?
Abandoning yet another half-finished story, its characters crying for an ending
But a new story calls louder
This time, I'll finish it
Take four

Awareness is not something that can just be removed or
Excised from your mind

It's like repressed memories
You can push them as far away as possible
But they will still leave their mark

Why do people always feel compelled to say
how are you
when they pass me in the halls?

Nothing feels more inauthentic than hurrying by each other
Hurtling the social script at retreating backs

Sometimes I don't respond, leave the question hanging in the air
Sometimes I don't say it back, an awkward lopsided exchange

We already know what I'm going to say
And, I'm pretty sure, we all already know
It isn't true

I'm tired of lying
And I'm tired of polite nonsense exchanges
Just smile at me and move on

I'm fine, how are you? I say

I feel like someone just kicked me in the head and everything suddenly
shifted into place while I laid on the floor, stunned

I realized that not one single person on Earth
has any idea what they're doing

Oh, we get used to things
we memorize our facts
we unlock our doors, pay our bills
some of us write laws, some of us save lives
but not one of us is in control
not one of us really knows what we're doing

There's no adult left to tell you what to do
They have just as few answers as you
And even when you reach that hidden line
Nothing changes, you're still a clueless child fumbling with made-up things
and dreams, just with more responsibility
and more consequences

so many more
a web of lives tangled in your sleepy fingers

I don't understand how the whole world isn't huddled together in fear
Not one of us knows anything
But at least all together we could try to learn
we could find puzzle pieces, we could question the stars
we should help each other
instead of feeding our egos
Pretending we already know it all.

I can't **** myself
because tomorrow I'm walking into town
with my best friend
in the middle of the school day
and getting coffee, it's a special occasion

And the death of a friend never makes for very good present, especially not on someone's eighteenth birthday

oh dear oh dear
i feel so free
this is a new feeling
im escaping reality
to live in my fantasies
im a care free deer
and no one can stop me

I don't know what I need
But I need something right now
A friend, pain, therapy
I need something that understands
That my smile
Is just gritted teeth and silent screams
Quiet desperation attacks in cycle, over and over again