it’s 3 am and i’m thinking of you
the smell of your sweatshirt and your huge smile too
the walk to my house at 1:32
the kisses you gave me before i knew

it’s 3am and i’m thinking of you
you said she was nothing you would pursue
but you and she still had a rendezvous
and now i’m sitting here with tears in my eyes that i’ve burst into

it’s 3am and i’m thinking of you
the mistakes i made and the chances you blew
i wish we could go back to before we fell through
but now i’m sitting here feeling simply blue

we cannot keep doing this.
every few months.
a new message-
another incident-
a new problem-
a new love-
another breakup-
reignition-
old feelings.
who gave you the right to walk back into my life?
who told you that you could just come back and act as if nothing had happened?
why say something when you don’t act on it?
why bring it up at all if you are just going to disappoint once again?
don’t tease me.
i’m tired of playing these games.
wondering what you want.
wondering if you’ll take me back or if you’re going to leave yet again.
don’t ghost me.
“i still love you.”
then act like it.
you can’t tell me that and then not elaborate on it.
don’t leave me guessing.
will he come back?
will he respond?
or is he going to be done by tomorrow?
it’s like you don’t see how i’m feeling.
i know that i’ve told you.
i’m tired of getting caught in this ****.
tell me what you want.
stop making me guess.
i still love you.
and i don’t hide it.
so why do you take it back every other week?
- the one who loved you too much

i am tired.
i am tired of seeing the way people are unrightfully treated.
i am tired of sitting around and pretending that you have not affected me.
i am tired of hiding problems and tucking them away like it's no big deal.  
i am tired of feeling awful.
i am tired of being sad.
i am tired of not being able to order my own food at a restaurant for the fear that someone will judge me if i stutter. which i will.
i am tired of a lot of things.
"how are you?" a kind acquaintance asks.
"tired," i immediately shoot back.
a popular response.
fraught with worries.
drowned by despair.
devoid of energy.
too tired to sleep.
"how are you feeling? what's up?"
you don't care.
you're just trying to be friendly.
and i'm too tired to be friendly back.
physically speaking, i'm exhausted.
mentally speaking, i'm distressed and exhausted and anxious.
i'm tired of lying.
i'm tired of trying.
i'm tired of sighing.
i feel like i'm dying.
-alc
4/4/2017