I want to live,
Not just exist,
Is what most people say.

But I want to exist,
Not be alive,
I’m just surviving each day.

I may not be paranoid
But I check every room before I walk in

I may not be schizophrenic
But I always feel like something is behind me

I may not be depressed
But I don’t want to be alive much longer

I may not be an highly sensitive person
But I cry all day long because I feel everything

I may not have anger issues
But I hit and cut myself to keep it inside

I may not have an ed
But I stave and binge myself until it hurts

I may not have anxiety
But I am always scared of everything

I have autism
And all those things I mentioned
are because of it

You held me close, yet lied to me,
A traitor's mask I could not see.
The warmth I crave, your arms I seek,
But truth has made my heart grow weak.

I know your truth, but I can't say,
The cost is one I dare not pay.
My silence screams, my heart decays,
Bound by the game we’re forced to play.

Still, I’m trapped in your embrace,  
Hating the love I can’t erase.

It has been a year,
A year since the blade kissed my skin,
Since I danced with the sharp edge of pain,
And mistook it for release.

I don’t even remember the last time
The moment I stopped
But I also don’t remember the first.
Was it worth it?

The scars tell a story I don’t want to read,
Yet I wonder,
Are they loud enough?
Do they shout my struggles to a world
That rarely listens?

I was struggling.
I was really, really struggling.

I hate my scars,
The way they carve a map of hurt
Across the canvas of my body.
But they’re also not enough,
Not enough to explain the ache
That made them bloom in the first place.

Still, here I stand
A year further,
A year beyond,
Wrestling with what was
And what remains.

When i saw you break down in front of me
Something inside of me broke as well
How could someone like you suffer like this
Why do you make yourself go trough hell

I wiped away your tears as mine started to fall
And hugged you tight to sooth your pain
Your fragile strength could still endure it all
Yet I longed to take your burdens and sustain

Like a cat, I am unpredictable,
following you around wanting your touch.
And I act like I love and want you,
Only to retreat when it's all too much.

Stars don’t shine just to fade away,
And rivers don’t flow to lose their way.

If hands can hold but hearts must part,
What is the point of a beating heart?

If God denies the love we've got,
Then what is the point of having a God?

I hope one day these feelings will leave me like you left me

You left me

You left me touched, scared, broken

So many words unspoken

I hope that in your last moment i flash before your eyes

And you will feel my pain, my despise

I love you
You love me
But we can’t ever
Let the world see

It is a sin
It is not right
But your love is worth
Not seeing the light

“You’re weird,” you say with a grin so wide,  
“That’s what I like about you,” you say with pride.  

“I like that you’re weird,” you repeat,
Your laughter bubbling, soft and sweet.

"I’m normal, right?" you ask with a glance,  
I tilt my head, caught in a trance.  

"I like normal," I softly reply,
We both end up shocked, flustered and shy

To hold your hand, to taste your skin
To love you, they claimed, was my first sin.

For you are my heaven, my breath, my song,
Yet to love you feels both right and wrong.

The weight of faith and fear collide,
In a heart that aches but cannot hide.

But my parents wait where the angels dwell,
And I fear this love will lead to hell.

But if I must lose you to see their face,
Would heaven not feel an empty place?