On average we find ourselves dreaming in lives that are not our own
Dreaming of pretend in our lives of luxury and serene marriages
On average we find ourselves reliving our pasts and looking into our futures
Laughing at what was once ours and looking into what could be our next
On average we find ourselves denying what could be ours and taking a step back to what we once were
Going back to when things were filled with quality and pleasant remarks

On average we live in a world of infidelity and insecurity
Concealing our tears and excluding our opinions
On average we find ourselves murdering our futures and rewinding our pasts
Reliving a second of affection and adoration that no longer exists for our now
On average we find ourselves breathing in our doubts and placing ourselves in pasts of denial
When we were all sane and when we found ourselves to be content

But only if there is man so strong, he could force bones to crack.

A play on words is emotional abuse, but only if that abuse develops a series of mental illnesses.

A life so improper is a blunder of the human mind, but only if that mind leads the human into insanity.

A heart can only grasp onto so much, but only if that so much is punctured with threats.

Bones
Fragile and delicate
Skin
Cold and pale
Sunlight
Will I see the sun?
Bones
Weighted and weak
Skin
Tighter and raw
Goal
Will this be enough?
Bones
Dusty and limp
Skin
Pealing and opaque
Finish
Am I finished yet?

Through pasts of the neglected
memories are to be forgotten
Sudden cries out for scrutiny
where punishment is quality
behind creaking wooden doors

Where cries of affection are forbidden
Echoing silence is the new existence
Beliefs of optimism are secluded
Time lost and forever diminished
behind creaking wooden doors

Who was once content
Running through fields of flowers
demolishing slices of birthday cake
now imprisoned in the hands of a stranger
behind creaking wooden doors

Never to be brought home
Dreams of merriment are inferior
Weakness grows its’ strength
Whispers of prayers are fallacious
behind creaking wooden doors

That's the thing about us
       We can't be who we are
             Who we really are
                    We can't laugh
                           We can't cry
                                  We can't love
                                           Knowing that who we are
                                                   Knowing that what this is
                                                         is distance
                                                             In our      
                                                               distant relationship

is it that worth it
when i don't have
a real reason
to fight it?
why pretend
everything is fine,
when in reality
everything pretty much
*****?

watch the gardeners cut their vines
watch the sea men pull their sails
watch the child go and hide
watch the mailman come outside

listen to the leaves drifting away
listen to the water of the waves
listen to the child cry in fear
listen to the mailman ring the bell

feel the weather change in season
feel the concrete scrape through skin
feel the hands upon the shoulders
feel the thrill in the atmosphere

think that there is no return
hint that there is one more ring
look to see those who return
and guess which child will be freed

how ignorant
was i
to think that
i was the only
flower
in your garden?

I just woke up
and I don’t remember any of this.
I don’t know where I am.
But something tells me it’s all wrong.
I want to wake up another time.
Just not this time.
I don’t want to be visible.
Though many don’t see that I am
I don’t want to see what I can see.
This is all wrong.
Everything should not be how it is.
Instead of mourning lives that are here
we should be mourning lives that our lost.
There are truths being painted into lies
and lies being turned into rumors.
There are people being turned into threats
and ashes being thrown into water.
There are stars being blurred into fog
and stars being turned into what they’re not.
It’s different.
and wrong.
I just woke up
and I like where I am now.

i killed the things i miss the most
my passions
my children
my mind

i opened a box i regret the most
my troubles
my divorce
my addiction

i haven’t remembered the last time i worried
the tears in my children’s eyes
the fire spreading upon their clothing

i haven’t remembered the last time i cried
my husband running away
my house in foreclosure

i haven’t remembered the last time i kneeled
to the one who stands above me
to the one seeking my soul

i know
love is a beautiful thing
i know
it's something we all find
i know
love can keep us going
i know
but
love just
can't find me

A universal gathering
A coincidence merging
A harvest

The alignment of stars
The planets collision
The evolution

An arrangement of spectacles
An orchestration for humanity
An embodiment

A harvest of sentiment
The evolution for mankind
An embodiment of association

i didn’t know
what love was.
until i met you.
i fell far
from who i was
into something more.
i fell for you
but you let me fall farther.
i had nothing
to hold on to.
i fell in love
with you
but your love
was far from what i thought
love was.
i fell farther
in love
past
your love.
you held me
down.
i fell
while you stood high
and fell no more.
your tricks and turns
had me wronged
in the end
the only thing
i could say
was that
it felt like love

peace without harmony
it’s like
a silent tragedy
with a hidden meaning
it’s like
a false expectation
caused by an accident
it’s like
an ongoing story
they never end
unless you let it
it’s like
a fearful visit
with the one you love most
it’s like
an unwanted dream
you wanted one
but now you can’t go
it’s like
marriage
it doesn’t work out

It’s there when you find yourself in panic, wandering alone in the middle of the night for a glass of water.
It’s there when you find yourself facing your living room, silent and dark.
It’s looking back to you, as you quickly run up the steps and close your bedroom door in fear that it will follow you.
It’s there when you’re laying in bed and a feeling of regret comes within. The feeling gathered from all of your misfortunes in life and you wondering why you feel this way.
You wondering why you feel so helpless, a sour feeling in the pit of your chest.
You wondering why no one else can see the struggle you bring when you face others.
You worrying yourself over one life, your life, in which brings you to tears and the world feels as if it is closing in on you.
It’s in the darkest corner of your bedroom.
A cloud of dark horror that you cannot distinguish.
You believe it to be a black hallucination as the cloud nauseates in its place.
It’s there in your classroom.
A dull, lifeless thought fighting its way into the back of your mind.
It’s hovering over you, as you contemplate whether or not you should speak.
Whether or not you should gather your things, stand up, and get out.
It’s there for you when you get out.
It’s there for you when the pressure in your chest is aching so heavily and the noises downstairs don’t seem to quiet down.
It’s there when the voices from the outside are not enough to overpower the voices in your mind telling you to listen to them tell you that you will need to cover your eyes and not pay attention to it.
It’s there for you when you need to swallow away the voices in your mind so you can focus on their voices rather than listen to your own.
It’s there for you when you swallow away the voices in which they told you to avoid.
It’s watching you as you lay your head on your pillow and shift your head to meet it directly.
It’s watching you as you watch their faces appear in confusion and guilt, as all the timing in your world comes to a close.
It’s watching you shut your eyes.
It’s watching you, but you wouldn’t know.

He’s falling for me
Falling farther than me
Planting himself at the bottom
Thinking I’m going to join him

I’m looking over a cliff
A cliff overlooking his meadow
A meadow for me
For him
For us

A dark sky rests ahead
A layer between us
while I’m resting on the cliff
and while he’s planted down below

He’s in love with me
In love with me
Making plans for our future
Thinking I’ll be his future

The storm hasn’t arrived
The time is inevitable
I’m closer to the edge
And soon I will fall

I don’t want to fall
Into the meadow
I want to stay put
And back away from the cliff

The height is our barrier
My barrier
To say the least
Though it’s invisible

Above me rests a plan
A plan far above me
I can almost reach it
If I back away from the cliff

No barrier exists
In his eyes
In his eyes
My heart cannot be shown

We’re miles a part
My words pull us in
Pull us closer together
My words, “I love you”

His words, “I love you”
They mean very little
Our words, “I love you”
Pushing me off the cliff

I’m standing on the cliff
Overlooking his meadow
A night sky approaches
Where all is seen is hidden

I’m standing on the cliff
I’m inching toward the bottom
One more step
I shall fall

I’m falling
Falling for him
And when I reach the bottom
I shall not wake up

I planted seeds all over my body
so you could see the scars you left me
the pain
the burn
your suffering curse
and the burden of your wrath that's inside
I don't know what to do
and I don't know how to stop
but now these seeds I had planted have bloomed
leaving me lying in the dirt
and leaving you planting seeds all over your body

he came back,
then I woke up.

I was distracted from colors so bright
By the scrumptious cakes and chocolate bars
I walked through those doors, taffy past my height
Where I saw sweet teas and candy cigars

Bins filled with lollipops and gummy bears
Colorful gum ***** and chocolate coins
Chocolate dipped plums and delicious pears
Oh, how very sweet! The ache in my *****.

One man so strange tapped me on the shoulder
“Hello,” said the man, breath scented of smoke
“There is more candy out where it’s colder”
I follow him out. He hands me a coke.

But to my surprise, no candy outdoors.
In the trunk of his car and on all fours

He stood to my right and whispered to me
“I’ll make you laugh in one, two, and three”
So frightened was I
As he said good-bye
And threw me into the deep, dark, blue sea

couldn't things have been different.
If there were a way to go back, I would.
Why
can't I see the things I used to see
when I could smile and know
there wasn't that thing, the ink, the glare.
Why
did it pull me backwards,
but somehow I've furthered.
Why
has all good changed,
yet I am to wonder if this is for the better.
Why
am I hooked onto those days.
Then Why
do I feel no remorse from the past?

you are a beautiful garden
but sadly
i am only a bug