I smash my skull against the wall
when I hear you call
that name as if it is mine
because every day it hurts a little bit worse
and the realization sinks in that I will never be who I feel I am.

When I was small
I hoped to be just like my brothers
I didn't see gender differences then
I wanted to play the same sports
To join in on family football games
I wanted to be one of the boys too
Take my shirt off
Run the ball down the road
Play in the mud
Maybe I just wanted to be included
And maybe I saw them as the cool kids
Looking back now
It seems much more telling

i feel broken in my
own bones
i want to get out of my skin
i want to change the unchangeable

my chest
my voice
my face
my everything feels wrong

I feel like crawling out
of my skin
ripping my chest off
and running away from my body

i just want it gone
just let this pain end

What if every little thought
That lives inside your head
Instead of hiding away in there
Was spoken out, was said?

Would you be embarrassed?
Would you hate your mouth?
Would you rather be mute
Than let the truth come out?

What if every little thing
That people thought of you
Instead of being tucked away
Was heard, was listened to?

Would you be ashamed?
Would you cover your ears?
Would you rather be deaf
Than let the truth come near?

And what if every image
That passes through your thoughts
Was freed from its prison
To roam until it rots?

Would you be disgusted?
Would you look away?
Would you rather be blind
Than see your thoughts at play?

Lately
I don’t feel close
to poetry.

It feels elusive.
Unfamiliar.
Once it spoke to me.
But now it’s mute.

It sits back
and doesn’t look
at me.

If I call out
it doesn’t hear.

Lately poetry is
like that demon
I used to want
to reappear.

how do I love myself,
when I can see myself inflicting pain
on those who loved me first?

what
is
evil
nothing
but
a worm
that
burrows
deep
through
the
soul
to
slowly devour
your
flesh and bone

Stop
Retract and hide
Someone is showing interest
Quickly
Close the door
And lock it
Blasts music until blood drips from your sockets
Do whatever you can
Just don’t let them inside