I hate myself for talking
I inevitably do
And I wonder if you’d been so mean
If you really knew

That I would cry for hours
Hate myself for days
Stare blankly into mirrors
Until my worn eyes glazed

That for years it would haunt me
I’d replay the words I said
Your disgusted look
Tattooed inside my head

That I’d lie awake at night
Clawing at my skin
Because I hated what I knew
Was lying deep within

And I wonder if you’d been so cruel
Had you truly known
What it’s like to live with autism
How it feels to sit alone

It’s funny really
How I know the names of my poisons
Most people never know what they drank
Until it’s too late
But I take mine with food twice a day
Maybe that means I’m mad

I heard the news
Maybe he meant for me to see
Slipped out in a 3-person text thread
Funny it was only news to me

I was lost in loneliness
And no one seemed to care
Yearning to be heard
At night I’d whisper to the air

Then one night I spoke to paper
And it hung on every word
I cried my sorrows in my mind
And somehow the paper heard

It found a way to translate
Found language in my tears
It silenced my confusion
And gave voice to my fears

We had lovely conversations
Between paper and me
Sometimes we’d talk of fantasy
Sometimes of reality

The poems became my letters
To help them understand
The characters my family
When life didn’t go as planned

The stories became my home
That I could go to anywhere
The paper became my dearest friend
The words became my air

Now not a day goes by
That my dearest friend and I
Don’t pass time rhyming truths
And storytelling lies

And when I find I’m lost again
And start to feel alone
My dearest friend is always there
To usher me back home

I see you
You’re the girl who’s too put together
For what her heart feels
For what her arms scream
You wear band aid sleeves
Your lips spill out lies
But I can see past
Band aid blinds

It’s your little secret
That kills you inside
No one knows how deep those cuts go
Deeper than your skin

You must be in agony
There’s a monster clawing at your heart
And no one else seems to care
You feel you’re bleeding out
In front of them all
And no one says a word

You must be so frustrated
Seeing your own hands cut your skin
When no one around you needs
To destroy their body
Just to get through the day

You wish you could rip off the band aids
And let them drink in your brokenness
But you never do

My friend, I want to tell you
Everything will be okay
But you’re the only one
Who can make that promise
All I can do is tell you
I see your cuts
Because I had them too

And I thought it would never get better
But I was wrong

I hope more than anything
That someday your cuts will
Turn white just like mine
And you’ll wear short sleeves
And not be ashamed
And that one day you’ll see past someone’s
Band aid blinds
And tell them your story
Of how you thought your pain would last forever
But in the end
It didn’t