I wonder sometimes...
If it'***** you yet..?
If it'll ever hit you..
When you think back to me..
If you ever do..
I wonder if you'll ever think...


She brought so much good and joy to my lonely life.
Would it be hard for you to look into my eyes, and admit you're biggest regret?
I imagine seeing the ocean of regret fill within your eyes and slip down your cheeks as you continue to speak.
Would you go on to say..
You've learned the hard way?
You've learned from your mistakes?
That I was the only light in your corner of darkness?
And letting me walk away was your biggest mistake?

I wonder if...
you'll ever think...
Maybe I’ve always been destined to end up in this place?
Alone...
With
Nothing
But
The
Reflection
Of
Your
Own
Decisions.

I wonder...
if you'll ever realize...
Love will always be your greatest lesson.
Because you realize you had it all when you were with me.

I wonder if...
your eyes would show signs of being tired?
Tired of searching.
Tired of searching what cannot be found.
Tired of coming up short with every girl in town.
Tired of searching for the very thing you'd thought you'd forgotten.
But then realizing,
This entire time you'd been searching...
You were actually searching for me in another person.

If this were true..
This would mean..
You realized there is no such thing as finding me in another.

So I can't help but wonder...
If this would be your defining moment,
when you realized..
That...
You're a prisoner to your own pain?
Because you hurt the ones most close to you.
Who love you.
Is this the moment when I'll hear you say...
I’m a prisoner to my decisions.

I wonder...
if you'll feel the same emptiness
I felt?
Where you can feel your soul burning.
Burning with such sadness.
And how you sit in those hazy agonizing days filled with nothing but pain, because you cannot digest the loss you are faced with.
I wonder...
If like me,
You'll actually contemplate handing it all over to the devil himself,
Just so you could leave this place and once again see their face.

I guess I'll never know...
if you'll ever reach such a chapter...
But I'll always...
Always...
Wonder.

In your eyes.
I sometimes saw a deep ocean of blue.
One to love and one to lose.
Sweet divide, our biggest fight.
Walk away or stay, don't make me choose....

I wanna feel the way that we did that summer night.
When we had our first kiss in the rain.
Drunk on a feeling, just you and I.
Couldn't get enough of you.
I trusted you.
I would of packed up my life and ran away with you.

I gave you all the love I had inside of me.


I loved you more than any one person could ever wish to be loved.

Sadly I don't think you'll ever see it.

What if I never stop loving you?
I think that's what scares me the most.
I had been doing just fine for months.
No tears.
No sadness.
I accepted things.
I thought I let go.

But it's 3am in the morning and I miss you.
I don't want to but I do.
I shouldn't be crying but I am.
It's pathetic that I'm still grieving as if you were dead.
This isn't fair.
While I'm stuck hating myself for loving you, you don't even care.
You're not hurting.
You're not broken over this.
You're not feeling loss.
I ******* hate this.

How many times do I need to pray for God to take this away.
Take this love that's hollowed me out.
Take this sadness.
Take the suffocating sorrow.
Take away the memories of him that bring me to my knees.
I don't want to love this man anymore that has broken me to my
Very core.

For the first time in a long time I saw you in my dreams.
I remember running to you in a field of nothing but black roses.
The sky was grey and so was the sun.
When I finally reached you, I clutched onto you and I said nothing as I stood on my tip toes and welcomed you with a passionate kiss.
I remember time slowing down and giving me this moment.
I remember every single nerve in my body dancing as our lips reminisced how much we have missed each other.

I also remember breaking our kiss.
Telling you I loved you, but also saying I shouldn't be here and that I had to go.
I'll never forget the look on your face as I started to fade right there in front of you..
Watching the sadness swirl in your eyes as you asked me why.....
And how I simply replied...
because you're going to destroy me.

Pain is my only reminder that I'm still alive.

I lie awake most nights...
Hold myself..
And..
Cry.

What else would you have me do?
I'm numb.
Its been months.
And my heart is still so broken.
I've asked God many nights.
Why do I still love him?
Why...
Why...
And please take away these feelings inside.

But each day passes and God never answers.
The agony and sorrow I feel is so ******* crippling...


Yea, this must be Hell.

It happened again..
The tossing and turning.
The can't sleep.
Thinking of things you shouldn't.

For the first time in months my mind found you.
I was fine at first,
Until I remembered how much I loved you, and the pain that came with it.
I regretted entertaining the mere idea of you almost instantly.
As I felt that familiar venomous sting of pure sadness and agony spread through me.




I hate love.

I have to confess something.
As for me, this is like nails on a chalk board.
It's like a sharp blade to my throat.

I shouldn't feel this way but I do.
I shouldn't write about this but I do.
One can only gather, there's something very wrong with me this much I promise is true.

I miss you...
There i said it.
I confessed it.
This is beyond wrong to still love a man so untrue.

You were my first love this much is true.
But I was consumed by you.
By loving you.
By thinking you loved me too.

I know now that; that none of that was true.
That you never loved me, and this much I had to learn was true.

I broke down and finally filled my prescription.
Got to the point where the darkness almost consumed me.
I was depressed but for once not over you.
Being that sad is a real thing you know.
But don't let the darkness win, don't let it consume you, or it will.

There's nothing you could ever possibly say to me, to make me forget..
Or regret ever having met you.
You fooled me for years but now that love is nowhere near.
I can finally see you and what you are.


Your just the devil in sheep's clothing.

Why did you have to write to me.
Pretending that you cared.
Why did you have to write after months of showing me you never cared.
That letter was absolute *******.
I loved you more than never! And you write me with smug comments and a distant attitude.
The truth is what matters and I left you because you became a liar.
Always and never, *******.
What a horrible thing to say to someone who never did anything wrong but try to love you past the pain you inflicted over and over again.
You will always end up alone because you are to blind and ignorant to realize you are the true reason to your own destruction.
Another failed relationship, one right after the other.
Now you can go ahead an add failed marriage to your roster.
You never loved anything in your life, and that is the real sadness.
One day in the distant future you will be old and alone and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
That letter you wrote me was pure nonsense because you're still a child blaming me when you've destroyed the only real person in your life that ever truly loved you, looked past everything you did and tried to help you beyond her own pain.
That is real love I stayed for all the right reasons even though you failed to ever provide me with one.


I'm so ashamed I ever loved someone like you.

How can it be you're so toxic for me, but you remain my favorite human?
What the **** is wrong with me?

How can you love a person with all of your being and yet know it can never be?

Does this make me crazy?
Utterly weak?


I'm ashamed of the way I feel.
Because my hearts desire reflects my sanity.
Please tell me I'm not crazy for loving someone unworthy.

What keeps you up at night?
I wouldn't say me..
I see you out there looking for another me.
How many have you taken to your bed to fill the mere memory of me?

How long does it take before you're back there?
Swimming alone in our memories after they leave?
Lighting me back on fire in your dreams.
A repeat of me leaving permanently stained by the doing of your own hands.

How long will you keep this facade up that you're happy.
The lie of pure happiness when you're nothing but sad.