You always ask me
what will help me out of this
depressed state.
And for the past three years,
my answer has always been the same.
Copious amounts of alcohol and
a neverending blackout
to forget the misery
I'm in.

Love.
My brain shuts off.
I feel nauseous.
All I will ever do is trip
and fall down.
I want out.
I need out.
It seems like it could never work out.
The promise of a beautiful future
is all a big hoax.
I am curled up in fetal position.
I can't stop crying.
Everything seems to have gone wrong.
Can I ever not mess up?
I'm sorry.
I will always be sorry.

They sent you home today.
Doctors with white hair and dark words.
"Quality of life...inoperable...
Nonresponsive to treatment..."
I helped take off that paper gown,
sticky and
red and
crinkling.
Signed the release death-warrent.
We limped home, you and I,
faint has-been wonders.
"Your secrets made you over-think,"
you said.
I wept.
In bed, you'd be gone soon.
But you couldn't go if I held on,
could you?

I contradict myself.
I am in love with the human body,
for it is delicate and intricate.
I believe all bodies should be cherished because
they all hold some form of beauty.
Yet I also believe that
I will never be good enough-
Horribly insecure and
loathing the flesh that wraps itself
around my bones.
Some days,
I am in love with the different parts
of my body,
like my hazel eyes that sparkle in sunlight or
the romantic curve of my lips or
the way my wrists reveal the blue veins underneath.
Other times,
I despise myself.
Tears well up and fog my vision.
With quivering lips,
I reach for a blade to cut out
those god forsaken veins.
Why can't I love myself as much as
I love everything and everyone else?
I am in love with the human body,
but for some reason,
only mine is
not good enough.
I contradict myself in ways like this.

So I longed to possess it,
the world.
Heaven had refused to take me in
but I believed I was stronger.
"Here, take it,"
the heavens cried out.
"Be content.
I have done everything for you,
but since you are so sure,
you will not refuse all of the
deadly treasures
contained inside
the Earth."

Just breathe in the art.
It's all we know how to do.
Inhale. Exhale. Draw.

Wide eyes
And
Thin lips
Yet
No more room
For
Innocence