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Jan 2019 · 229
I'm sorry
Bexis Jan 2019
I let it get away from me.
Instead of just letting things be.
I jumped the gun and shattered someones heart.
After everything settled I knew I had done wrong.

It wasn't supposed to be that way.
I don't know how I can fix this situation.
Is it better to leave it alone?
Is better to say something?

Things were said in anger and I took it to heart.
I thought you would be better off.
I thought you would be okay.
I didn't know that my own mental state caused this.

I didn't know I was so messed up.
I want to go back in time and make it so this didn't happen.
I know I can't.
You always wanted to live by yourself.

I didn't know you would take it so hard.
I didn't know you cared that much.
I wish I could tell you everything in my head.
I don't even know everything.

You deserve better.
You said you felt freedom and confidence without me.
We weren't together.
You said you were tired of dealing with this.

I wish I could tell you everything going on in my heart.
But not even I know.
I wish a lot of things.
I know none of this will help the heartbreak that you feel.
Dec 2018 · 223
Bexis Dec 2018
I had it in my sights.
My first right move.
I thought I had it.
Then the dream came crashing down.

One by one
Peel back all the layers.
To get to the heart of it.
Watch it beat and slowly shrivel.

Things were becoming okay.
I had taken blue and I felt right.
It ran out of my system.
I can't seem to make things right.

Will I ever be right?
Will I ever be RIGHT?
Will I ever...

Seeing in blue
Just do it
And don't look back.
Sep 2018 · 184
The Breakdown
Bexis Sep 2018
It seems to always come to this.
Crying at night, multiple showers.
Getting dressed and leaving at night.

I keep missing the mark.
How do I not see it?
Things are worse then they have ever been.
I feel like I should just leave.

I don't know anymore.
I don't know anything.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this.
Maybe I'll die like this.

I should give up because it is easy.
I don't do well with hard work.  
If I do, you will know you weren't worth it.
You are, maybe just not me.

I just want to die.
Get life over with.
If I do, maybe you can find somebody new.
Let's hope you do.
Sep 2018 · 1.1k
Money rules the world
Bexis Sep 2018
No matter how hard you work...
No matter how much you make...
No matter how much it takes...
It is never enough.

Let me say that again!
It it never enough.
You live your whole life to make as much as possible.
No matter the cost.

Work 3 jobs, work over 60 hours a week.
Only to get a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment.
Because you have to have your own bathroom.
You have to have the best of everything.

You talk about your dream house.
Yet you can't even afford to fix up the house you live in.
Talk about how many people are going to leave you money when they die.
To talk about how rich you'll be.

Here I am.
Scraping by.
In a cheap apartment.
Barely afford to get groceries.

But you know it's no skin off my back.
I have something way better than being rich.
At least I have a place to live and a job.
I have a girlfriend who I would die for.

Some things are better than money.
I am glad I know this.
I am glad I don't run in circles for it.
Life is what you make it.

If that's what you make it about, that's okay.
I choose to believe there is more to life than that.
Aug 2018 · 178
Bexis Aug 2018
The fear that is always there in the back of your head.
Spreading fast to the heart, as your awareness raises.
Is better to ride it out or bottle it up?
The feeling comes in so fast you barely have time to breathe.
Every possible outcome going through your mind.
Not sure where to stop it.
Then you know you should trust.
But the fear is always there.
Ready to make waves in the calm ocean.
Aug 2018 · 265
Point to commit
Bexis Aug 2018
Commitment to another so commonly thrown away.
For what? So you can still live like a college student.
Dedicated years of your life to one person.
Just to decide after making it official.
This wasn't what you wanted.

While one heart is broken and trying to move forward.
You party, dance, drink, take happy selfies.
No one knows what happened.
Just it did.
To someone who did their best to make you happy.

You turn around and throw it back.
You love the center stage.
I wonder if there will be regrets.
I sure do hope so.
When it's too late.
Aug 2018 · 1.2k
Bexis Aug 2018
Friends or lovers?
It doesn't work that way.
We can be one or the other.
Both doesn't happen.

Why can't we?
Why can't we?

Our closeness only last until tick of the clock.
We could try to break all the clocks.
Hope the time never stops.
We would succeed until the light in the sky brighten.

We may as well be detached strangers living in the same space.
We try so hard only for it to start all over again.
We will break the cycle when I open the floodgates.
Let all those emotions come crashing down.

Are we friends or lovers?
Are we friends?
Are we lovers?
Are we?
Aug 2018 · 460
The fire inside
Bexis Aug 2018
I have this feeling that is fire.
I feel it as it grows wild.
It connects to many things.
As does the power of life.

That power struggle will cease, right?
Fumbling through the world.
Setting everything a blaze.
I want to harness this flame.

I want to use it to light my way.
Light the beacons through my brain.
Let the cobwebs burn.
See through the haze.

The parts of my brain that have been away.
The part of my soul that is wasted away.

I have found the light and will let it lead the way.
The path I have found hasn't lead me astray.
I will find the secret to open the gate.
To the fire inside of me.
Aug 2018 · 506
Words, no way
Bexis Aug 2018
You took my right to speak.
Pulled the words out of my mouth.
Every sentence overflow with your sound.
I whisper instead.
Still yet, you interject.
Now there is no point.
For you will always find a way.
So sweet are the days you are away.
For no one's words are drowned out.
We all hear each other just fine.
Until you start to speak and we roll our eyes.
You will never hear our sighs.
Bexis Aug 2018
Dear trolls,
Just so you know, your comments don't mean much.
You think you know something to be true.
Well hate to break it to you, but you're wrong.
Everything you think you know is way off base.
I thought I should let you know.
We do this for entertainment sake.
So be confused but don't hate.


P.S. This is a poetry site not Facebook it should be about the art.

P.S.S I like tacos

P.S.S.S Hi!
Not a puppet account. Especially since I don't like puppets.
Aug 2018 · 343
In those days...
Bexis Aug 2018
We've fought for our place in the world.
They have tried to pry us apart.
Only for us to come back stronger.
The only thing that could pull us apart is us.

Remembering the days were we woke up next to each other.
Appreciating each other's bodies.
How different our bodies are.
How well they fit together.

The early years were rough, but we managed to stay.
Growing, learning adapting.
We finally found our stride.
Now we are rocketing to know how be to strong.
Aug 2018 · 165
Bexis Aug 2018
I lack consistency.
I tend to get many things confused.
People around get sad or mad.
I try my best to do what I can.
I may not always look like it.
Maybe it's because of all the "I's"
You feel ignored.
You see the lack of consistency.
You feel sad.
I understand.
Aug 2018 · 188
Odd man out
Bexis Aug 2018
Sealed lips, eyes cast down.
Short answers, no enthusiasm.
What have I done?
Have I caused this?
No one will tell me anything.
Quickly make sure they avoid me.
I have this effect on people.
One day, they won't want to interact.
No answers, just why's.
Aug 2018 · 234
For one night...
Bexis Aug 2018
We both let down our walls.
We talked, I talked, you watched.
We stared at the trees and watched them breathe.
We moved from one room to another.
We stared into each other's eyes and saw the universe.
The stars had aligned.
Everything felt slow motion until the dawn hit.
Then sleep felt like it needed to happen.
We slowly left each other's gaze of happiness.
Drifted off into the sea of dreams.
Remembering what we had just seen.
Aug 2018 · 168
Try Hard
Bexis Aug 2018
You tell me I'm not putting in effort.
You tell me I don't care.
You tell me to pay more attention.
You tell me you don't care.

I think I'm trying, only to be told I'm not.
I'm so confused, that I think I must be shot.
What does trying look like?
You say I'm cold.
You say I must think of you as a means to an end.

You say I need to be edgier and not act like a wimp.
Yet things are so messed up I don't even feel that.
So many different messages coming through.
What am I supposed to do?

I read and I learn.
Nothing helps.
Cold and silent.
That's what I'll do.
Aug 2018 · 280
Communication Breakdown
Bexis Aug 2018
Social situations are awkward at best.
I stand and listen, I don't know what to say or do.
I try my best to be receptive.
But some screws are loose.
You want me to talk about things?
Where do I start?
What do I say?
I try my best to remember everything you say.
Argue, bicker, fight.
Same conversation
I try my best
I try
Aug 2018 · 1.4k
Death Wish
Bexis Aug 2018
Some people wonder how I'm still around.
The roads are dangerous here.
Tried to cross the street, bus coming my way.
Tried to cross the street, car trying to turn.
Tried to cross the street, car ran a red light.

Life is teasing me with accidents that almost happen.
Tried to cross the street...
Tried to cross the street...
Tried to cross the street...

Lack of awareness puts me in danger.
I'm aware of what's in front of me.
I'm aware of what's in front of me.
I'm aware of what's in front of me.

Do I have a death wish?
No, I mustn't.
No, I can't.
Aug 2018 · 291
This sugar kiss
Bexis Aug 2018
Your favorite thing as a kid: sugar.
Snickers, Milky Way, Hershey kisses
It flows through your body
It sends you into hyperspeed.

Your favorite thing as an adult: sugar
Making multiple trips to the store.
Or just one, and load up.
The day after Halloween is your favorite day.
Candy half price.

Then eventually you look down, realize, "when did my belly get so big I could cradle it?"
You decide that's it no more sugar.
It works for awhile, you lose some weight.
You even stop thinking about it.

Then one day you just can't resist and grab a cookie.
Down the rabbit hole you go.
It makes you feel sick.
Then you think, "Is this sugar kiss worth this?"
Aug 2018 · 321
What is...Attraction
Bexis Aug 2018
Life is a game.
Love vs Lust
Are you a narcissist? Or an optimist?
This seems like a one way street.
Maybe I can find an off ramp.

Game of Life is one we all play.
Do you like the people you see?
Do you Lust after them?
Do you love after them?
All you know is you are attracted.

Like two magnets, gravity pulled us together.
Do you like the one you see?
Or would you rather wait and be?
That spark is felt deep.
There's a fire growing inside of me.

Years from now when it seems like it's about to fade.
Just wait, baby.
It will come back in trade.
Look at you, standing next to me.
All I can think is "God, you're so attractive to me.
Jul 2018 · 597
Bexis Jul 2018
I am used to trying something once and giving up.
I never tried anything more than once.
Unless it was a video game.
I spent countless hours on playing games.
Then reality hit and I got tossed into the real world.
Bills, bills, bills.
Work hard and you can do anything you want.

That part of life I can deal with it.
The social aspect, what do I do?
Is this the right thing to say?
Is that how you handle situations?

Persistence is key, they told me.
You have to practice to get good at anything.
You won't know, if you don't try.
Persistence is key.
Jul 2018 · 947
Let go
Bexis Jul 2018
That feeling you get when you know it's time to let go.
I feel a wave is about to wash over me.
All I was doing was holding on for dear life.
Bringing up past guilt, grief, wrongdoings.
Where does it end?
If not there.
Keep bringing up the same ****.
The only thing I will do is wade through ****.
Letting go will bring a new life.
All that baggage gone.
The universe is chaotic.
There things I can't control and things I can.
I am choosing to let that baggage go.
And watch it flow away.
Jul 2018 · 144
Bexis Jul 2018
Do you know the definition of insanity?
I surely do.
I make people feel like they are insane.
Tell me that thing you told me?
I will immediately try it after talking about it.
I have no passion, excitement.
You suggest the same two things.
Yeah, that's me.
My life is a never ending cycle.
Is something wrong?
Yes, the same problems we've had for the past 4 years.
My memory is ****.
I complain about everything constantly.
I didn't know.
Do you know the definition of insanity?
Jul 2018 · 213
Bexis Jul 2018
In the science of it all, synapses are life altering.
Have the same thought, closer and closer they grow.
Just by changing your thoughts, you can change your life.
Yes, but....
That person did...
She did...
He did...
They did...
The list goes on and on.
We, as humans love to wallow in our negativity.
Changing that is easier than people think.
People don't think of change.
Jul 2018 · 1.5k
Six thousand...
Bexis Jul 2018
We have the right to healthcare.
We have the right to be able to take care of ourselves.
But to what cost?

Here, have a plan but it will cost.
Here, have some free stuff but it's enough.
Oh you broke something and have to go to a hospital?

Well I hope you saved because thousands is what you'll share.
Can't pay other bills?
That's okay as long as you pay us.

Can't afford to keep going to therapy?
Mental health isn't a real thing.
You're just being lazy.

You want healthcare to be free?
What are you a communist?
We're Americans!
We don't follow anyone else's rules.
We are the best nation in the world.

That's what I see when it comes to health care.
Or anything in America.
Can some please pull everyone's head out of their *****?
Jul 2018 · 280
Bexis Jul 2018
No one tells you what it will be like.
This is something you learn on your own.
Trial, error, trial, error.
Until you think you've found the one.

Movies, TV, books.
They don't tell you how hard it is.
It's not a magical prince or princess coming and sweeping you away.
They lived happily ever after.

What they don't tell you is how hard you have to work to keep things going.
It is always worth it.
No expectations, no standards.
Just two people trying to make it in life together.

You have to try everyday if you want it.
You can't be lazy about it.
If you can't imagine this person not in your life, work to show it.

I'm still working and learning myself.
I try everyday and if I get lazy, she knows it.
She is worth every amount of effort and time.
I make myself better for me and for her.

We are bonded for life.
The strongest bond you can imagine.
We will always be there for each other.
Jul 2018 · 298
They use to call me...
Bexis Jul 2018
At first it was: skinny, twig, chicken legs.
It didn't bother me too much.
I was those things.

Then it was "Toby" in reference to Roots.
It had nothing to do with the color of my skin.
It was to tell me people saw me lesser.
I was less of a human being to them.
It stuck.

After that some people would tell me, " Oh, your looking a little big there."
My depression worsened and my self worth plummeted.
I stayed inside all the time.
Wore baggy clothes on purpose.

And now, I hear "Wow you're looking really good."
Took several years to get to a point where everything leveled.
Now my health is better.
My depression is better.
My self worth is better.

Life is a journey filled with ups and downs.
I never knew if I would be able to get back up again.
Thankfully I'm stronger than I look.
Jul 2018 · 220
Another Day, Another Dollar
Bexis Jul 2018
5 hours of sleep, wake to a text telling me that I need to open.
I had to rush, hopefully I put my head on straight.
Barely said hello or goodbye to my love.

I shouldn't complain.
Longer hours means more money.
It's hard not to trudge to this place.
40 to over 60 year old women, some of whom are bitter with how their life ended up.
20ish young adults who can't find better jobs, me included.

Just space out all day because trying to have any sort of conversation ends up with, "Well with me..."
Spouting off facts like they know everything.
Then a young 20 year old who takes part in every conversation.

Just remember it sometimes pays the bills.
Just remember it is temporary.
Just remember it is a stepping stone to something greater.

Sometimes you just have to stick it out.
It isn't a race.
Take your time.
You'll get to where you need to.
Jul 2018 · 316
Another Day
Bexis Jul 2018
Watching the bright lights in the sky.
Red, blue, gold, white.
Sitting on the steps, in every direction flashes of light.
My angel sitting next to me.
Everything feeling right in the world.

I look over and see her face, smiling.
Remembering the sounds I made her make.
As I had her underneath me.
Letting the passion flow through me like lightning.

Even over the years we have been together, I can't imagine life without her.
Celebrating holidays together.
As well as our lives, growing forever.
Jul 2018 · 283
Bexis Jul 2018
The darkness has finally lifted
I can see the blue in the sky more clearly
I let the emotions flow through me
Instead of being weighed down and drowning
My anchor has lifted me out of the darkness
So I can see clearly
Jul 2018 · 256
As Darkness Falls
Bexis Jul 2018
Everyday seemed darker than the one before.
Encasing me and shutting away everything I knew.
I tried reaching my hand out and didn't have anything to hold on to.
Just when I was about to be swallowed in, I saw a crack of light.
I started hammering at it.

With each pound of my fist, the walls seemed to start disappearing.
I did it again, again, again until my fists bled.
Finally a doorway opened with bright light shining.

I walked through and I saw everything with fresh eyes.
Everything I had held on to for so long started letting go.
Barriers one after another coming down.

Every little thing exposed, with nothing to hide.
All my fears presented.
An angel came down.
Scooped me up and saved me.
The light shone like a beacon.
I held the light to protect it from the darkness.
The light protects me to this day.

— The End —